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Old 11th November 2014, 07:32 AM   #1
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Husband wants space but we never spend time together

Hi, 1st time writing on a forum but I just need some advice.

My husband and I have been married 5 1/2 months. He says that he needs more alone time to play Xbox and have lads nights but we hardly spend anytime together as it is. I can't work because of visa type so I spend all day alone (I go to expat meeting but I've always struggled making friends due to social anxiety) and when he comes back I see him for all of 5 mins and then he's off playing Xbox (FIFA) I try to watch so I can be with him but it gets boring so I end up watching TV alone and often eating alone. Now he says that he needs more space and lads nights (same lads he works with and plays online FIFA with) I feel we hardly spend time together as it is and so have asked if they're just play vgames all night can't I go to as I'm a gamer myself, he always says no but that he'll take me out some other time.

Getting so frustrated with being ignored. Also our sex life has died a death with us only having sex when he wants...twice a month....or when's he wants something, kind of I've slept with you now I can legitimately hang with the guys and you can't complain cuz I've spent time with you. I've tried to spice it up but can only be rejected so many times.

I'm sick of being ignored and him not caring. After 5 1/2 months of marriage I'm reaching the end of my tether.

Ps. He wasn't this way before we got married.

Please advise.
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Old 11th November 2014, 09:01 AM   #2
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Husband wants space but we never spend time together

He sounds very immature to me Kfallon. You should be his prime relationship if he married you. Not to say one can never go out and do things, but his behaviour is a bit over the top. He sounds very young and immature.

Could you get away for a time with your family? He has to see there is a problem and face up to it. Going away might be a way of highlighting the problem as you have nothing going for you where you are it seems. Something needs to happen to highlight what is happening. I don't think nagging will help but taking your own action to protect yourself might. You are getting a very bad start to married life it seems and you need to do something, even just making a life for yourself until he matures a bit.
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Old 11th November 2014, 10:00 AM   #3
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Re: Husband wants space but we never spend time together

How well did you know him before you married, because to be honest he is far too immature to be married, and is still acting like a single man and a teenager at that.
I think you need to sit him down and tell him how very unhappy you are, and that things must change.
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Old 11th November 2014, 06:19 PM   #4
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Re: Husband wants space but we never spend time together

He sounds very much like my first husband, when he wasn't at work he would sit infront of various different game consoles from the time he was home until the early hours day after day after day. I wanted to raise a family, which I had to do around him because the kids were inconvenient to him, which to be honest didn't bother me too much as we were never 'in love' or passionate from the start. In the end it was like two separate lives were existing between the same walls, me taking care of the kids and working and cooking and doing all the normal daily things and him alone infront of the computer. I didn't care so long as he wasn't upsetting me or the kids. But the point is, I was never passionate enough about the marriage to try my hardest to change it, which is just as bad. I stayed in a familiar comfortable home environment simply because we had young children and it was their normal daily life. Regardless of which it ended in divorce.
I only experienced genuine true passion and happiness when I met my current husband, and despite some pretty serious issues we have he always tries his hardest to make me happy and to spend his time with me and vice versa. To have a successful marriage both parties have to be willing and determined, and if it's only been 5 and a half months that's not a good sign. A couple should be eachothers priority 100% of the time, friends are secondary. Some men are incredibly immature and treat women like throw away playthings that are always there at their disposal, because some women accept that as their place and allow it. The fact it's only a few months into the marriage can be looked at two ways: either as a bad sign of things to come IF you accept it and go along with the situation, OR as a good thing that has come about early on enough for it to be changed and worked on. But that can only happen through communication. You must sit down with him and talk to him, tell him you are unhappy with the situation and how he behaves and that it needs to change. Having a social life and personal time within a marriage is fine and acceptable but not when it's overshadowing the most important aspects of your relationship and destroying intimacy. Try compromise, tell him you're happy for him to go out certain nights with his friends and arrange which night would be best for BOTH of you, if he's willing to put in time and effort on you the rest of the time, same with the video games, arrange certain time frames during certain days or evenings when he can have his computer time and you can partake in a hobby of your own whether it be reading or watching a movie or whatever you choose.. Again only if he agrees to spend the rest of the time working on his marriage and making his wife happy.
If he loves you he will agree and try his hardest to work on the things that need working on and recognize his selfishness. If he doesn't agree.. Then that should pretty much answer itself.
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Old 12th November 2014, 10:19 AM   #5
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Husband wants space but we never spend time together

Very good points Starry D. Obviously you have lived in a similar marriage.

We used to have a similar problem on holidays. A lot of the time I was in the sea or pool or doing some sport and my wife was just the one who waited and watched. Having prayed about it she came up with the idea of walking holidays. They were so good that our son and his wife and my other son joined us. The last five walking holidays have all been family holidays. Walking and talking are a good mixture. One can still have the occasional swim or whatever. So these kinds of plan can work.
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husband, lonely, marriage, selfish, space

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