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Old 5th May 2011, 08:04 PM   #31
chosen
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Re: How do I trust him again?

sammie, you are more angry with her, because it is easier to be angry with someone who you dont know, that someone who you do know and love. In your mind you can make her into the ogre, and him into the poor man who couldnt help himself.

MY first husband acted appallingly to both myself and my children, and yet I am more angry with my husbands ex, who cheated on him, than I am with my ex, who did far worse things. Its easier for you to believe that it was all her, and thus not blame or be angry with your husband, but often it is six of one and half a dozen of the other.

Yes, write it all down, it often helps, and maybe give it to your husband? Many women think nothing of going after other womens husbands, but he was the married one after all.
Also, why does he still need to communicate with her?Cant he ask that someone else work with her instead of him?(hopefully not another married man)
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Old 5th May 2011, 10:10 PM   #32
Raymond
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Re: How do I trust him again?

I can see why you are angry Sammie. Assuming the initiative came from her she brazenly went for someone who is already married. That is stealing and at least mental adultery which could have led to actual adultery and affected your life and your family. Could have destroyed it in fact. You have a right to say something although it might affect your husband's job just now. It was very blatant and wicked of her.

Your husband is not without blame by responding but judging by my experience yesterday one can be rocked in their body and mesmerised in the mind in the right set of circumstances. Once in it would have been difficult to get out. It is different from just fancying someone and making a play. This comes right to your doorstep and is initiated by the woman. Whether that was the case or not I don't know but I have a slight sympathy with the situation after yesterday if it was anything like that.
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Old 6th May 2011, 12:44 AM   #33
Forever
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Re: How do I trust him again?

Hi Raymond,
I read about the "incident" you had yesterday with the woman washing her private parts in your view, and you being "frozen"....Understandably, that is not an everyday thing one would expect to encounter. The only comment I have is to warn you not to make love to your wife while the images are still fresh in your mind of that woman. Lying awake half the night battling the images (as well as your fleshy response) indicates that the enemy would love to use that while you are trying to make love to your wife.

If I were a man, I would start by just looking at your wife (naked), touching and stroking her until the images and thoughts were gone. Repeat as necessary. Resist continuing towards your own sexual climax until you do not have that other woman popping up in your head, and if it happens, stop what you are doing to your wife, lest you end up using her body for unholy purposes. You could explain to your wife that you need to get the images and thoughts out of your head and replace them with her...if you try to have sex with her too soon, they will surely re-appear until you have "cleared" them first. I would love it if my own husband were that transparent and pro-active to do this for us whenever he saw something that got his juices flowing.

If you try this, let us know what happens, since we women believe that those intrusive thoughts and images keep coming back for quite awhile...unless you are successful at replacing them.
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Old 6th May 2011, 01:00 AM   #34
chosen
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Re: How do I trust him again?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
I can see why you are angry Sammie. Assuming the initiative came from her she brazenly went for someone who is already married. That is stealing and at least mental adultery which could have led to actual adultery and affected your life and your family. Could have destroyed it in fact. You have a right to say something although it might affect your husband's job just now. It was very blatant and wicked of her.

Your husband is not without blame by responding but judging by my experience yesterday one can be rocked in their body and mesmerised in the mind in the right set of circumstances. Once in it would have been difficult to get out. It is different from just fancying someone and making a play. This comes right to your doorstep and is initiated by the woman. Whether that was the case or not I don't know but I have a slight sympathy with the situation after yesterday if it was anything like that.
Raymond you are right in that we can all be tempted by such a one off sudden and unnexpected event such as you had, but when it is an ongoing decision to have an innappropriate relationship( including kissing at the very least),over weeks or months or even years, that is surely a different matter. If he had given in the first time, but then felt deep regret and guilt, then why did he carry on doing it knowing it was so wrong and dangerous?
Being tempted is not a sin, but acting on it is. I guess that is why we are told to flee temptation, because sexual temptain is so hard to resist, especially for men who are so visual.
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Old 6th May 2011, 08:58 AM   #35
Raymond
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Re: How do I trust him again?

Oh my I have now become the recipient for sexual advice. Thank you for your concern Forever. The images are easing off I am glad to say although occasionally they come back but not so strong as that first night. We are writing a letter to the college where we swim about it. I can't see it interfering with my sexual relationship with my wife which we both believe is good but obviously I will bear your thoughts in mind. I would never allow myself to have any thoughts of anyone but her during lovemaking, it being a case of practice what you preach, but your advice is gratefully accepted.

Did you read my reply to you on the Christian Marriage thread?
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Old 6th May 2011, 09:24 AM   #36
chosen
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Re: How do I trust him again?

Good idea to write. If you had said something at the time she may well have accused you back of staring at her etc and made out it was you and not her that was at fault. At least they will be aware of it now incase anyone else complains and then thye can ban her if she does it again.
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Old 6th May 2011, 12:54 PM   #37
Raymond
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Re: How do I trust him again?

Yes these things must be handled carefully Chosen as they can get out of hand and be plastered all over the papers or something. There's no proof of anything so we are just alerting the pool manager to be aware. I don't think it is the first incident as there used to be a special notice there not to remove your costume in the showers, so something must have happened previously. I thought it was funny at the time as if anyone would do such a thing. Now I understand. All of the swimming pools in our area are unisex showers but this one in the college has curtains.

With regard to your previous comments it is not so much the falling but of the getting up immediately and heading in the right direction. We can be thankful that Sammie's husband has turned it around and realised his misdemeanour. There is a blindness that can happen when lust operates so that the person in it cannot always see clearly or doesn't want to see clearly.
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Old 6th May 2011, 01:35 PM   #38
Chamomile
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Re: How do I trust him again?

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post
If I had been your wife I would have been mad, not with my husband, but with her. I hate that sort of immoral behaviour.
From reading the latest update, it does appear that this behaviour has happened in the past at the same pool?
It's a bit like "sexual offender" is operating in a sense.
This "Girl" would need to know that her inappropriate behaviour won't be acceptable. I personally find it quite "disgusting" (disturbing) as it seems like some kind of sexual harassment.

What kind of men would see this type of behaviour as "attractive"? I think she enjoyed giving someone a bit of "shock". Not very wise. It's a bit like a form of covert abusive behaviour. Not very classy!!
If she did this at a wrong time and in a wrong place with a wrong sort, then she would be putting herself into some trouble.

It's good that the matter had been passed onto the manager.
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Old 6th May 2011, 01:40 PM   #39
chosen
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Re: How do I trust him again?

yes I agree Chamomile. after all, if it had been a man who did it(ie exposed himself to a woman) I am guessing the police would have been called and the man arrested. Maybe this is why there needs to be seperate showers?
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Old 6th May 2011, 02:31 PM   #40
sammie38
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Re: How do I trust him again?

Any chance you lot can post about women exposing themselves on your own threads please, I'm really not interested!
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Old 7th May 2011, 08:02 AM   #41
sammie38
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Re: How do I trust him again?

Good morning everyone and apologies for my slight rant yesterday, I wasn't feeling quite myself

Yesterday afternoon I needed to get hold of my husband whilst I was at work because he needed to pick his Mum up on her return from holiday. I phoned his work mobile and he didn't answer it. Knowing where he was I presumed he was on the phone to 'her'! I then phoned the house phone and hs personal mobile, all to no avail. I sent two text messages and eventually he rang me back to say he was on his way to collect his Mum. I asked whether her had been talking to 'her' and he said yes. That put me in a bad mood for the rest of the day. I know he has to communicate with her as she is the boss but I still don't like it. Anyway, once I returned home, he was on the phone again, to her, so I pottered around doing things but I was still listening to the conversation!

To cut a long story short, she has been told by her boss that she has no respect from the people she works with (in three different countries) and that she no longer has this position. She is obviously p****d off by this and wants to fight it. My husband was telling her that there was no point in fighting it. That once a manager has made their decision, they won't go back on it. It is something that will have been thought about before she was told. The way that he was talking to her made me feel much better. If he still wanted her around, I believe he would be helping her fight her cause. However, he finished the conversation with....."I have to go now, I might speak to you on Monday"! He seemed totally fed up with her moaning and said to me, that she should just accept the decision they've made and move on.

The other thing is, which I find hard to believe is that this woman in back in the UK for a couple of days but her boss doesn't know about it.....and presumably he's paying for flights and hotels etc! I hope she gets her come-uppance soon!

I feel much happier after hearing that, so hopefully we can have a good weekend.

SM - I have been reading through some of your posts on your thread. It's good that you are going on holiday as a family although presumably the tension will be high! It will be nice for you both to spend some time with your daughter together. When are you going? Reading between the lines, it doesn't sound to me as though your wife wants a life without you in it. Otherwise, she wouldn't be so keen for you to see your daughter regularly and knowing other couples who have split up, a lot of the time the other partner tries to make things difficult for the other half to see their kids, your wife doesnt seem to be doing this.

Have a nice day.
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Old 7th May 2011, 08:46 AM   #42
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Re: How do I trust him again?

Hi Sammie,

It looks like your H has told her in no uncertain words where to go. Hope this all works out for you - keep us posted.

As for the holiday - we're going the second week in June. Really looking forward to it and have a plan of how I will act. I'm feeling so much calmer about the whole thing now - whatever will be, will be.

And thanks for your take on my wife's mindset right now. She's not even suggested I can't see my daughter whenever I want, and pretty much everything I own is still the house we shared. She seems happy for things to stay that way for now.

Sm
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Old 9th May 2011, 10:35 AM   #43
Sillyman
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Re: How do I trust him again?

Hi Sammie,

How's it going?

SM
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Old 12th May 2011, 06:34 PM   #44
sammie38
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Re: How do I trust him again?

Hi SM

If I'd read your question when you wrote it I would have said that I was feeling better about things but I feel now that I have just taken a massive step back :-(. My husband has just informed me that he has to go away for a few days on June and at the moment I don't know whether she'll still be with the company or not, so as you can imagine, I've got myself all worked up!

I think I'm beginning to trust him but I don't trust the manipulative bitch that got her hands on him! There is nothing I can do, I know he has to do these things because it's his job and maybe I shouldn't worry until I actually know she's going to be there but it's hard :-(

How do I deal with this? That week is going to be so hard for me, I think I need to fill it with lots of things to do so I don't have time to think so much!

Anyway, how are things with you?
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Old 12th May 2011, 08:08 PM   #45
Sillyman
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Re: How do I trust him again?

Sammie,

If she is there he has to agree that all contact will be because of work and no more.

He has to be willing to tell you where he is at all times. You are the one he has to show that he can be trusted - maybe think of it as a test for both of you, the first step towards complete trust.

If I was lucky enough to be in his position - having a wife who was willing to give me the chance - I'd do this without question. No half measures.

As for me - no change, but the thaw seems to be developing. Actually, you can help me with this - wife asked me to have my daughter on Sunday gone all day because she was ill. I looked after them both, and made sure wife had plenty of tea and support. She didn't pull away when I touched her head or gave her a kiss on the forehead when I left. Big change in her response there.

What's your thoughts on her change in reaction?

Holiday in five weeks. Looking forward to being a family for a few weeks.

SM

PS - sent you a DM
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