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Old 17th September 2015, 01:55 PM   #1
msjlhunter
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Courage to leave my 11 year marriage

Hi all,

I am thinking about leaving my marriage after 11 years of been together. We have had more down times than up times. For the first 4 years of our relationship he would beat me, verbally abuse me and control me.. It was only when i learnt to hit back that he would stop. I have cheated on him twice which he knows about, i did offer to leave him but he didn't want me too. He wanted to make things work.

That was almost 6 years ago now and things are no better. Just recently he has been getting really hurtful with his words again, making allsorts of threats, calling me names and vowing that if i leave him he will hurt me.

I have found somewhere else to live but as you can imagine i am a little aprehensive of leaving him..

Any words of courage or help that people can give me will help me a lot as i have not spoke to any of my family about this.. He is 15 years older than me and is very much stuck in his ways.
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Old 17th September 2015, 03:23 PM   #2
ralfgarnett
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Re: Courage to leave my 11 year marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by msjlhunter View Post
Hi all,

I am thinking about leaving my marriage after 11 years of been together. We have had more down times than up times. For the first 4 years of our relationship he would beat me, verbally abuse me and control me.. It was only when i learnt to hit back that he would stop. I have cheated on him twice which he knows about, i did offer to leave him but he didn't want me too. He wanted to make things work.

That was almost 6 years ago now and things are no better. Just recently he has been getting really hurtful with his words again, making allsorts of threats, calling me names and vowing that if i leave him he will hurt me.

I have found somewhere else to live but as you can imagine i am a little aprehensive of leaving him..

Any words of courage or help that people can give me will help me a lot as i have not spoke to any of my family about this.. He is 15 years older than me and is very much stuck in his ways.
Simple, there is physical and verbal abuse and threats of reprisal abuse, get out ASAP before you get badly injured or even worse, good luck I hope one day you find the happiness you rightly deserve away from this monster.
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Old 17th September 2015, 09:15 PM   #3
chosen
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Re: Courage to leave my 11 year marriage

You should have left him when he first hit you.

First tell your family, second, if he has made threats to physically harm you if you leave, then get a restraining order out against him, and thirdly, go to a woman's shelter for a time.

As for the cheating you have done, thats something you need to think about carefully for the future, because adultery is very serious and causes so much damage.
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Old 17th September 2015, 09:47 PM   #4
Lindentree1
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Re: Courage to leave my 11 year marriage

Do you have any children?

If he is threatening physical harm and verbally abusing you it is not good for you to be around him. He is toxic to your well-being.

Yes, you should tell your family what has transpired. I second getting the restraining order if you can.

I wonder if you've been wanting to leave for a long time. I may be wrong, but it sounds like you perhaps cheated in the hope that he would leave you.

You've endured past physical abuse, verbal abuse, and fear. I don't think anyone would blame you if you could not endure anymore.

In my opinion if he is making threats physical abuse may not be far behind. You might consider leaving before he puts his hands on you again. This man could be angry and potentially dangerous. Not to scare you, but you must protect yourself. If you have a place to live you may not want to wait much longer to go there.
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Old 18th September 2015, 06:55 AM   #5
msjlhunter
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Re: Courage to leave my 11 year marriage

Thank you for your replies.

Luckily we don't have any children or a mortgage and such, so there's nothing really to tie me down.

I have been wanting to leave him for a long time, I did actually move out but only managed 3 months. The only way he would 'let' me move out before was if I saw him every day. So, as you can imagine I didn't actually get the space I needed. (This was before he found out I cheated).

I guess a massive part of me wanted him to leave me when he found out I cheated, that way it would have saved me doing it.

Just last night he came home from work with 3 boxes of chocolates and said he was sorry for been horrible. This is what he does, then everything will be fine for a couple of weeks until he starts on me again then it's back to square one.

He always blames me for ruining our relationship due to infidelity but he doesn't seem to realise or understand how much his words or his violence affected me from the beginning. Instead of us getting through it and sorting things out it has made me dislike him a lot.

Also I'm not telling my family, they are all for him. They think I am the terrible one for cheating and do not know the full extent of what he has done to me.. They don't know that New Year's Eve 2 years ago he gave me a black eye, bust my lip and left me with bruises every where. I may be daft but I figure the less family and friends who know about this... The less people can try and talk me out of it.
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Old 18th September 2015, 09:40 AM   #6
Raymond
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Re: Courage to leave my 11 year marriage

He obviously needs help but not from you as you are the victim. This man is toxic when he resorts to violence and threats. He obviously has a deep control thing going on. You can leave provided you see him every day. Really? This could get worse if he won't seek help. It must be like trying to get out of prison with the threats and such. It could end up a matter for the police with a restraining order and such. You do need a good plan of action. I think you should expose him to your parents so that they can help protect you when you leave. Being quite and secretive about these things will not really help you. He will prey on that.
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Old 18th September 2015, 10:14 AM   #7
chosen
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Re: Courage to leave my 11 year marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by msjlhunter View Post
Thank you for your replies.

Luckily we don't have any children or a mortgage and such, so there's nothing really to tie me down.

I have been wanting to leave him for a long time, I did actually move out but only managed 3 months. The only way he would 'let' me move out before was if I saw him every day. So, as you can imagine I didn't actually get the space I needed. (This was before he found out I cheated).

I guess a massive part of me wanted him to leave me when he found out I cheated, that way it would have saved me doing it.

Just last night he came home from work with 3 boxes of chocolates and said he was sorry for been horrible. This is what he does, then everything will be fine for a couple of weeks until he starts on me again then it's back to square one.

He always blames me for ruining our relationship due to infidelity but he doesn't seem to realise or understand how much his words or his violence affected me from the beginning. Instead of us getting through it and sorting things out it has made me dislike him a lot.

Also I'm not telling my family, they are all for him. They think I am the terrible one for cheating and do not know the full extent of what he has done to me.. They don't know that New Year's Eve 2 years ago he gave me a black eye, bust my lip and left me with bruises every where. I may be daft but I figure the less family and friends who know about this... The less people can try and talk me out of it.
Are you saying that if your family knew that he beat you black and blue and threatened you with violence they would want you to stay? IF you were my daughter I would have told you to go years ago. PLease tell those closest to you.

IF you go to a womans refuge they will protect you. See about that restraining order. Abusive men will always apologise and promise never to do it again. Pack while he is at work and go. Dont tell him anything.
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Old 18th September 2015, 02:40 PM   #8
msjlhunter
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Re: Courage to leave my 11 year marriage

The reason because my family think it's all about him is because they know I cheated on him. My mum and my brother know little bits about what he has done to me but not the full extent of it. I haven't spoken to my dad for around 5-6 years (since he found out I cheated).

He does always say he will never hurt me again but he doesn't understand that abuse also means verbal abuse, control and other things.

I have started to see a counsellor for my issues but he point blank refuses to see anyone.

He thinks we are fine and back to normal again! When I spoke to him the other day again about leaving, he threatened to kill me and the other person i slept with.

I do feel trapped... I do want to move out do much and get back to that person that has been lost for so long now. But on the other hand I am scared of the repercussions.
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Old 18th September 2015, 04:15 PM   #9
ralfgarnett
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Re: Courage to leave my 11 year marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by msjlhunter View Post
The reason because my family think it's all about him is because they know I cheated on him. My mum and my brother know little bits about what he has done to me but not the full extent of it. I haven't spoken to my dad for around 5-6 years (since he found out I cheated).

He does always say he will never hurt me again but he doesn't understand that abuse also means verbal abuse, control and other things.

I have started to see a counsellor for my issues but he point blank refuses to see anyone.

He thinks we are fine and back to normal again! When I spoke to him the other day again about leaving, he threatened to kill me and the other person i slept with.

I do feel trapped... I do want to move out do much and get back to that person that has been lost for so long now. But on the other hand I am scared of the repercussions.
This is so wrong on so many levels, he is now threatening to kill you, are you in the UK or the US or Africa or Europe ?, please leave ASAP and file a report with the police he is a maniac and I am very worried about, I know you shouldn't of cheated but hell he shouldn't of laid hands on you either, 2 wrongs don't make a right, please report him to the police and get the hell out of there.
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Old 18th September 2015, 05:40 PM   #10
msjlhunter
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Re: Courage to leave my 11 year marriage

I have spoken to my friend who is a policeman. He said unless I have evidence of him saying such things and threatening me then there's nothing the police will do.

I am planning to leave him on Wednesday. I have made my mind up, as much as he thinks we are back to normal I know things won't last.

I need to live my life and concentrate on things that matter, I have decided I am going to tell my friend what I am planning to do because I am sure I will need the support.

I am 33 and have been with him for just over 11 years, I fear that if I do not do anything about it now while I have the chance... I may not get another opportunity to do it.
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Old 18th September 2015, 05:44 PM   #11
chosen
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Re: Courage to leave my 11 year marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by msjlhunter View Post
I have spoken to my friend who is a policeman. He said unless I have evidence of him saying such things and threatening me then there's nothing the police will do.

I am planning to leave him on Wednesday. I have made my mind up, as much as he thinks we are back to normal I know things won't last.

I need to live my life and concentrate on things that matter, I have decided I am going to tell my friend what I am planning to do because I am sure I will need the support.

I am 33 and have been with him for just over 11 years, I fear that if I do not do anything about it now while I have the chance... I may not get another opportunity to do it.
Please contact a womans refuge and tell then the situation. They will be able to advise you on what to do and how to do it.
Please tell your family the extent of the beating abuse and threats.
Dont tell them where you are going because to be honest they arent very supportive.
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Old 18th September 2015, 05:50 PM   #12
msjlhunter
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Re: Courage to leave my 11 year marriage

Thank you Chosen. I was actually in touch with a local organisation a few months ago when things where once again bad. I do still have their contact details so I will contact them tomorrow.

I am fine when I am not at home with him or in his company. When things are 'normal' we are just like flat mates.. The only thing we share is a bed (very little happens there).

I have no idea why I have left it this long.

Last Thursday he told me I ruined his life, told me he hated me and called me a fat c**t. (He knows I hate this word), despite the fact I have lost nearly 3 stone since March.. Those words cut into me like a knife and the fact that he didn't even remember anything the next day hurt so much. (He was very intoxicated)
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Old 18th September 2015, 08:15 PM   #13
chosen
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Re: Courage to leave my 11 year marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by msjlhunter View Post
Thank you Chosen. I was actually in touch with a local organisation a few months ago when things where once again bad. I do still have their contact details so I will contact them tomorrow.

I am fine when I am not at home with him or in his company. When things are 'normal' we are just like flat mates.. The only thing we share is a bed (very little happens there).

I have no idea why I have left it this long.

Last Thursday he told me I ruined his life, told me he hated me and called me a fat c**t. (He knows I hate this word), despite the fact I have lost nearly 3 stone since March.. Those words cut into me like a knife and the fact that he didn't even remember anything the next day hurt so much. (He was very intoxicated)
It must be so horrible for you, words are so hurtful. Let us know how it goes.
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Old 18th September 2015, 09:13 PM   #14
msjlhunter
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Re: Courage to leave my 11 year marriage

Thank you 😕. I will do

Thank you all for your help and support
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Old 19th September 2015, 03:26 AM   #15
chosen
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Re: Courage to leave my 11 year marriage

well done for the weight loss, that is amazing!!!BtW, God thinks you are amazing as well, and beautiful and awesome and brave.
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