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Old 19th June 2006, 07:33 AM   #1
CNF
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Living In A Sexless Marriage

[size=3][font=Lucida Sans Unicode]This is my first posting on this forum. I am very interested in hearing from others, particularly women such as myself, who have been or are in a marriage where there is little to no sexual intimacy with your husband. This is not because YOU are not interested, but because for whatever reason (s) your husband is not. How have you handled this situation?

My story: I have been married nearly 24 years to a man with a very low sex drive and very little interest in sex. No he is not having an affair and he is not gay. I knew I had a much higher sex drive than he did when we married...yet, at the time I thought it fairly shallow of me not to marry him just because of that. And yes, even though intellectually I know better, I thought I could change things, change him. But of course that did not happen.

I found right away that yes, perhaps sexual intimacy is not THE most impt. issue in a marriage...but when there are issues in the bedroom, it can and inevitably does become so important and begins to impact and affect other parts of the marriage...and eventually create voids...

I have tried everything, for years, to try and improve the situation. He will not really talk about it, or go to counseling. It is a very lonely place to be...in a marriage without intimacy. We are sibling like, not really like a married couple. I care about him so much, but I must admit, any feelings of deep love are not there anymore...we have two boys, ages 17 and 11 and I do not wish to put them through the angst of divorce. Not now. I realize there are many many opinions on this decision...believe me I have weighed them all...

Anyway, I see a situation like this to have choices...stay, have an affair, or divorce.

What have other women done in similar situations? I would like to hear others' stories...because I am interested and because as most of us know, it can be so valuable to hear someone else's similar stories and how they decide to "deal" with something, or not.

Thanks for reading, thanks for listening. Best, Cate
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Old 19th June 2006, 09:49 AM   #2
cupido
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Re: Living In A Sexless Marriage

Btw, my mother didnt want to divorce dad because she truly loves him a lot..I think that it's love which has binded her to him till now...
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Old 9th July 2006, 10:10 PM   #3
Liz
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Re: Living In A Sexless Marriage

Before you give up, Stevepage, have you looked at the resources [url=http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffsex/]here[/url]. There might just be something worth considering.

Liz
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Old 28th September 2006, 08:52 AM   #4
Katrene
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Better sex

My husband and I finally cured that problem.
He allows me to share chat and pics with men
and women online.
Excites us both tremendously

Last edited by Unregistered; 15th July 2011 at 12:43 AM. Reason: get the email
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Old 5th October 2006, 10:56 PM   #5
Shasta
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Unhappy Re: Living In A Sexless Marriage

Dear CNF,

I am you 20 years earlier. My husband has always had a very low sex drive (I am quite the opposite) His is due (IMHO) to sexual molestation as a child, so its not like I can fault him for it. He refuses counseling (I drug him kicking and screaming for two months) And has said he'll let me leave him over it before he would see a medical doctor (just to have everything checked out) He has recently under torture recanted that statement and promised to see a doctor "eventually" It's hard not to blame yourself no matter how much you know about the situation. Even though he swears and deep inside I know its not my fault it still hurts. (I'm young and pretty enough, and good in bed IMAO) But when I look in the mirror there is always that voice that says, "Well you're just not good enough" I can sympathize with you but offer you no advice. Sorry.
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Old 24th November 2006, 02:12 PM   #6
bikerchick
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Question Re: Living In A Sexless Marriage

I know what you mean, before we were married, sex was wonderful, after we got married, things seem to go down hill. I was diagnosed with a STD and I swear that he gave it to me, but he keeps saying that he has been faithful to me! Has anyone heard of Trichonomisis? It says that a woman is usually exposed to it within 4-28 days of getting it! Now how can you explain that one? I have tried everything else also, from sexy lingere, to you name it! He just does not seem interested in me sexually anymore! And does not even care if I have an orgasm, the few times we do have "sex", not make love! And he also lies to me all the time. Do you think I am being taken for a fool? Or What??????????? Any advice would be helpful.
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Old 24th November 2006, 05:54 PM   #7
Unhappy
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Re: Living In A Sexless Marriage

OMG i have been going through hell for the last 3 yrs, thinkin I was the only person going through this until I took the risk and do a search on the net. There are loads of sites for men whose wives dont want to have sex with them but I havent found anything for women until now.

I have been married for 6 yrs, in the beginning I had to beg him to let me sleep!! (how stupid am I, hindsight is a wonderful thing) then about 3 yrs into our marriage without realising it it went downhill and has now been 6 mths since anything happened. We went to Relate last yr and it came out he'd been seriously abused as a child, I supported him through this and he says he has dealt with it but still says he has no urges and he isnt comfortable with his weight, but refuses to go on a diet.

We carried on, but now he doesnt give me a kiss or a hug and he refuses to discuss it, I, like a lot of other women, have tried everythin from talkin, shoutin, givin him time, nothin works. I gave up soking, lost loads of weight even consider gettin a boob job just to see if that would make a difference, it hasnt. I have told him that I have needs so he told me to go elsewhere for it as long as I came back to him, but I cant do that as I would need to have feelings for someone to sleep with them, which would not help my marriage. Position now is I go to bed, he waits til I am asleep then comes up, wkends I stay up to spend time with him, he says hes tired and goes to bed. Funny thing is I know he isnt having an affair or is gay and I know he loves me but unfortunately Im not sure I love him anymore as this has driven a wedge between us and I know if I were to go out I would be unfaithful, which I dont want to do but I need to feel wanted by him. I dont want the stigma of a divorce, but not sure if we have anythin left to keep us together so it might be better to end it now before my feelings for him turn

Please help as I cant carry on like this my eldest is starting to ask if everythings ok as I am so stressed out.
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Old 28th December 2006, 09:07 AM   #8
Helen
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Re: Living In A Sexless Marriage

I wouldn't normally say this but I think you need to annul this marriage for a number of reasons. Yes, I know you love this man but it is clear to me that you cannot be without visible signs of affection. Your husband is showing you no affection. Before talking about annullment, I think you need to give your husband one last chance. Tell him how the lack of affection/intimacy is making you feel. I would also point out that he made a promise to you and he is not keeping it and ask him if he thinks that's okay? Because if he does, he clearly did marry you under false pretences.

I am also curious as to why your husband will not allow you to see him undressed and I find myself wondering what help he has sought with his erectile dysfunction problems? I think you should ask about this too. If your husband refuses to talk about it, I think you should tell him that he is being very unfair to you. He is. I would then do what I felt I had to do because I can tell you now, you will not be happy in this union - I can sense it and so can you, hence the self-destructive behaviours.

Good luck with this,


Helen
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Old 29th December 2006, 09:28 AM   #9
Helen
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Re: Living In A Sexless Marriage

I think you have answered your own question. Despite knowing there are problems in your relationship (and unless he is completely dim, he HAS to know there are problems) your husband is talking to you about starting a family. I don't mean to wound but I wonder if he married you because he wants kids. He shows you no affection and now wants a child. What's that about?

I would be completely frank with him about your misgivings around doing this. Okay, a child might take your mind off the fact that you have no sex life and no affection from your husband. Most of us love our children unconditionally and completely and are consumed with them for the first few months/years after birth; but our relationship with our children is not the same as the relationship we share with the man in our life. If you have no real relationship with your husband in the long term, there will almost certainly be problems that will be bad enough to end your marriage. The difference between it ending now and potentially ending in future is you have have kids involved in the equation.

You have to determine whether you can continue in this relationship indefinitely; certainly until your youngest child (if you have kids) reaches adulthood. This is what you are looking at here. Bearing in mind the fact that you have only been married since October and you are already feeling this way, believe me - the prognosis is not promising. You need to talk this over with a counsellor, who may be able to suggest a different way of raising your feelings and concerns with your husband.

I wish you the best of luck with this


Helen
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Old 30th December 2006, 09:57 AM   #10
Helen
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Re: Living In A Sexless Marriage

Wait for him to do what? What is he expecting you to wait for? And for how long? You have been waiting for three months and I think you have been very patient, especially since your husband seems content to leave you uncertain and dangling - and completely without affection. You are not being selfish - not at all. The fact of the matter is, despite your husband's protestations about the inaccuracy of the assessment that you are little more than an incubator with a ring, this is the reality of the situation you are in.

My personal view is sex, while nice, is not the be all and end all in a relationship unless this is all a relationship is based on. I truly believe that we can all live without sex so long as we are getting affection/intimacy in other forms in our life. Witness couples who continue to live together happily in the face of sexual disfunction/genital surgery/some other tragedy that brings an end to their sex life. But what your husband is condemning you to is a life with no sex and no affection/intimacy of any sort. That's not fair and you telling him this isn't fair does not make you selfish or a bad person.

I agree, he has got a rough deal, what with the diabetes, ED and associated side-effects with medication he has tried. But this man knew all this when he married you and despite this, he made a promise to you before you married him. He was open about the lack of sex and you accepted that. But you always said you needed affection/intimacy and he agreed that this could be a way forward for both of you. Now that you are married, he seems to have conveniently forgotten about his promises. Just make it clear that you haven't and a marriage without affection or intimacy of any sort is not going to work for you.

I know you love this man but sometimes love isn't enough. I learned this the hard way. Marriages endure due to mutual respect. Good communications. Showing affection to your mate. Building a foundation of trust. A marriage cannot hope to flourish if one partner is doing their utmost and the other is showing no sign that they care. I don't know how old you are but I really urge you to think long and hard about your future. You are feeling the way you are for a reason. Ignore your feelings at your peril.

Take care,


Helen
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Old 5th January 2007, 03:55 AM   #11
justme
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Unhappy Re: Living In A Sexless Marriage

You know I have been married dern near 30 years and I went steady with him since I was 13 years old ! And it aint easy I can tell yall that right now ! Oh he is a hard working man and a wonderful father to our two children that are now grown .. In fact I dont know a soul that dont like him , he is a good man ...Most folks think we are a perfect couple but the fact is he dose not have sex with me anymore .... I dont know if that is normal after so many years or if he just dont want me sexually any more ... I'm guilty of being a bit over weight but not so much so that I'm not attractive to other men even at my age ..... It started slowing down over 15 years ago then seven years ago i had a affair that lasted six years till that lover left me because I would not leave my husband , it broke my heart because I really was deeply in love with my lover but I just could not bring myself to leave my husband of so many years despite the fact we dont even really get along , we dont have fights we just dont seem to agree on anything anymore and no matter what i do anymore it aint right and I get lectured like a kid .... I met a man online about four months ago and im now having a affair again and it feels like love .... Im scared of losing another man that I love because I refuse to leave my husband .....
The thing is I still love my husband deeply just not the way I think a wife is supposed to love her husband .. I feel broken hearted he dose not want me sexually anymore , it makes me feel like im old , ugly and fat ... And the constant lecturing is wearing me down terribly ....
I'm scared of getting a divorce because I am afraid our children will be so disappointed in me that they wont want to have anything to do with me and I am worried my father will be quite angry with me also ... Also I am afraid of just plain being divorced .. I dont think I can support myself either money wise ..
Gosh dern I wish I could just stay married but not have to live with my husband , I still love him despite everything .......
Life sure is tough being in a marriage like this ....

justme
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Old 5th January 2007, 04:47 PM   #12
Annie2
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Re: Living In A Sexless Marriage

Blimey Just Me,
You had an affair that lasted 6 years, your having an emotional affair right now but you wish your husband would have sex with you! Just how many cakes do you want to have and eat? I'd love your husband's view on your marriage. I'm sorry if I sound unsympathetic but I find it plain bizzare that you can say you love your husband while complaining that you don't want to lose someone else. Unbelievabley selfish!
Annie
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Old 5th January 2007, 08:11 PM   #13
justme
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Re: Living In A Sexless Marriage

What im thinking Annie is that if my husband and I had a marriage that was like a husband and wife should have Id not be tempted into a affair ....My husband is a fine looking man and I wish like anything he would make love to me and make me feel loved , if he did make me feel that way I would never ever be with another man and there would be no problem here .
You question how I can love my husband while not wanting to loose someone else ....Well how can I not love the man that I have been with since I was 13 years old , the man that fathered our children and has taken care of me for nearly 30 years now , I dont know any different but to love him he has always been there in my life it seems imposable to me to not have him there , almost like I would not know how to walk or talk right without him .....
It hurts to fall in love with another man knowing I will loose him because of my commitment to my husband and my family , I dont go round looking to fall in love with someone else it happens when the affair turns into a sexual one , when you in a marriage with a man that will not make love to you and lectures you like a child and then another man comes along that treats you like the way the man I am seeing now it makes me feel good like maybe i aint so stupid or old and fat after all ...
Ok I guess you are right I am just a selfish person for wanting to feel loved ..
thanks Annie
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Old 5th January 2007, 10:00 PM   #14
Annie2
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Red face Re: Living In A Sexless Marriage

Ok so Helen put that a lot better than I did!
Justme, I am not being judgemental (despite my rather blunt post). I think I do understand how it must feel when you want someone in a way that they don't reciprocate. However, I just feel you can not put all your eggs in different baskets (now there's a twist!). If you want to sort out your marriage (I think you do) then it can't be done while your heart is split all over the place. Firstly it's not fair on your husband, your 'cyber love' and you. How can you truely know how you really feel when you have feelings for more than one?
Having an affair is selfish because you are not sharing the responsibility of your marriage. You're not committed while you are emotionally committed elsewhere. You may believe there is no risk as it's 'only' a cyber affair but while your head is filled with another you are not fully giving your attention to your 'here and now' life, reality.
I wish you all the best and I truely am sorry if I sounded like a cow. I wish you nothing but happiness.
Annie
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Old 6th January 2007, 02:02 AM   #15
justme
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Re: Living In A Sexless Marriage

I got to thinking about what yall have typed and what I have ... Anyway i wote it slowed down 15 years ago well after thinking back further it was actually 21 years ago it began slowing down , after the birth of our daughter and around 15 years ago that it just began to stop all together with the exception of a once a month or every other month maybe 3 min quickie then even that stopped ...
I once read that a marriage without intimacy was not a marriage ..well if that is true and I dont know that it is I went like 8 years without intimacy in our marriage before I ever had the last affair ........
And Helen you questioned if he is mean to me , ignores me , shouts or abuses me and as a matter of fact he dose put me down all the time even in front of other folks , he says I am stupid and I dont know anything about nothing whenever I have a opinion of my own ......But to say he yells at me or abuses me would be a no , he dose not ever yell or abuse me in any way... But he dose demean me and disrespect me regularly ...And the odd thing is I never even noticed it till our daughter grew up and said how embarrassed she was when her dad had said something to me at the dental office she works at in front of her and the others there that was flat out rude and insinuating my stupidity , and again in our garage in front of her boyfriend and her and our son and daughter n law when he flat out said I was stupid for a political opinion Of my own ...
And Helen I never looked at my last affair as a "thrill" like a trip to the amusement park or something I considered it making love with and sharing with someone that actually wanted to spend time with me ........But you are correct in the fact i am taking a risk with my marriage and my family by having a affair , perhaps i should reconsider my actions and live my life in celibacy ..
You know Id give up anything to have a relationship that was loving and secure feeling with my husband even if there was no physical side to it if it could just be loving ....I tried for many years before I ever had a affair for just a loving relationship needless to say it never happened ... I prayed and I went to counseling , I even talked to my Paster at church (That was embarrassing ) but nothing helped ...
Anyway this is my last post since I can clearly see this is no help either ..
But thank you for your opinions they made me think more now and even cry more .
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