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Old 2nd September 2006, 03:45 PM   #1
November_Pain
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Join Date: Sep 2006
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Unhappy I have to forgive...but cant find the way.

Hello All,
I am a 20 year old woman newly married but not in the stage of bliss that almost everyone seems to be blessed with. Before i reveal my issue in details and give my request for this forum i think i should share a bit of background information....its a lot, but i think its necessary
Many would say, and i would agree, that my husband and i progressed in our relationship rather quickly. We met in November '04, he proposed in February and we were married in August '05; However, this is the typical relationship layout for two people in the military. You see, he proposed to me in February just days before he was shipped off to another country. At that point i thought we were really in love. I thought he was serious about making me his wife and i knew i genuinely wanted to marry him.
Mid-March i found out i was pregnant. And the beginning of April is when i became suspicious about his activities with other women and discovered emails to them. In some of these emails he denied our relationship, our plans, our child and in others the females didnt even seem to know i existed. i was deeply hurt. i acted on impulse called off our engagement, isolated myself from him and the rest of my family and friends. I made myself sick, but this only lasted two weeks max. i was so weak-minded. i was afraid of being a parent alone, and being without him romantically. i agreed to try and work things out mostly thinking of the future family we were about to have and he promised that the emails were just things written and wouldnt happen anymore. he said that he wasnt fooling around with anyone. I believed him. A few days later, i miscarried our child. i was entering my 10th week of my first pregnancy. it wouldve been the week i got to see the heartbeat in an ultrasound but i didnt make it. i blamed him, the pain and stress he caused me, for the loss of my child.
May of that year i too was shipped to another country for work, and upon arrival i noticed it was increasingly hard to get a hold of him. If i called his cellular phone 10 times, 9 times it would ring until i got the message box. We'd talk and hang up for two minutes, and if i'd call back he'd be unavailable. And this was between the hours of 10pm and 6 in the morning. i bluntly asked if he was seeing other people and repeatedly was told NO but my intuition told me something different. i didnt have any evidence so i just had to deal with it. In the beginning of July, i received a somewhat anonymous package. It was literally postmarked " Somebody Jackson" i thought he may have been playing some strange name game and opened it happily expecting something from my fiance'. To my great surprise, there were two letters enclosed. One from each female, claiming to have had sexual relations with my at the time fiance. I was immediately angered and extrememly hurt, but not surprised. My inner self had been telling me something wasnt right for some time now. I knew at that moment he was guilty not only because of what had been written to me, but because of his behavior during the times they noted. When the issue was brought to his attention he denied everything. He denied doing anything with anyone and pleaded with me not to end our relationship over such non-sense. Since the females from the letters did not give their contact information or even give me the curtosity of knowing their name i figured they were still around and hoping to have some sort of tie to him. i told myself he was only human, and that i could forgive.
Mid-August, our marriage became legal. He changed tremendously. When i'd call the odds were now 9 out of 10 him answering it was wonderful. i still had unanswered questions but i surpressed it as much as i could because he'd changed so much for the better. I'd been given access to his email accounts to reassure me that there wasnt any foulplay goin on and for a long while things were goin okay.
February/ March of this year i checked his email and noticed several emails from a female i suspected to be one of the anonymous ones i'd received my "special package" from. They were things like: hey, just thinking of you...happy valentine's day eventho you already have one....etc. I didnt see any replies from him except one asking for her emails to cease and believe me i dug all thru it! it seemed to me as if she were being a nuisance so i took it upon myself to email her. But before doing so I gave my husband one last chance to come clean about all that had happened between the two of them. He went from admitting he'd only known who she was and exchanging emails to them kissing one time and spending a couple nites together but without intimacy. i was fed up....and with the both of them. I gave her a piece of my mind as politely as i could and requested that she never email myself nor my husband again. Thus far, my request has been honored...or at least to my knowledge it has. i no longer check his email partly because im unable to and the other reason being i dont feel the need anymore. i believe he has truly turned from his immature and unhonorable ways. we have both been strengthened in our personal relationships with the Lord throughout this whole gruesome time. And become much better people i think. My problem is this: I DONT KNOW HOW TO MOVE ON. Im stuck on all the unfilled blanks and stories given that dont add up. im stuck on the notion that their last sexual encounter was in July and they were allegedly spending quality time together throughout september and october which is when they last kissed. TWO MONTHS into our marriage. I feel he tricked me into marrying him. Knowing, i needed solid facts, evidence i didnt have and couldnt get, he used that to discredit the females' tales..and so did i. but eventhough i agreed to forgive and move forward, and although our first anniversary has now come and gone, i am still dealing with issues that should have been resolved before i decided to take this commitment. Someone please lend me some ideas on how to truly let go I just dont know what to do with myself anymore.

Scarred and confused,

November_Pain
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Old 2nd September 2006, 05:37 PM   #2
markus
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Re: I have to forgive...but cant find the way.

Quote:
Someone please lend me some ideas on how to truly let go I just dont know what to do with myself anymore.
The reason why your finding it hard to let go is because your in a relationship with a habitual cheat who you know could destroy you again at any time
Its all great finding ways to condition your brain to believe ,forgive , trust and move on but the reality is that deep down the unconscious part of you wont allow it to happen because it knows this leopard will never change his spots
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Old 2nd September 2006, 06:12 PM   #3
jools
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Join Date: Apr 2005
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Re: I have to forgive...but cant find the way.

November_pain
I am so sorry for your hurt and know how gut-wrenching those suspicious thoughts are - but I have to agree with Markus. To switch off your radar completely will be impossible because deep down you'll suspect him, and I think, with good reason too. My main warning to you though would be NOT to bet pregnant by him or you really will be stuck! Sorry I can't be more hopeful.
Jools.
________
Infants Prilosec

Last edited by jools; 20th April 2011 at 02:34 PM.
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Old 2nd September 2006, 07:41 PM   #4
markus
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Re: I have to forgive...but cant find the way.

BTW you dont have to forgive , you have the right to look after yourself and make any decision that suits you now or in the future
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Old 2nd September 2006, 08:32 PM   #5
Liz
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Posts: 662
Re: I have to forgive...but cant find the way.

Dear Novermber pain,

Forgiving isn't easy. It onvolves accepting that someone has deeply hurt us but choosing not to hold that against them. You have begun that process and you are trying to learn to really trust your husband again and put everything behind you. It will take time and both of you working on it.

There are a couple of articles here on forgiveness and trust. They may help you.

I can understand you wanting to know what happened to fill in those blanks but in the end what good would that do. Perhaps your husband hasn't told you the whole story, but it is very hard for any of us to really come clean about what we have done wrong. If he has truly moved on to be a faithful husband to you then the past is gone, and it needs to be let go of. You have chosen a future together, why not put your heart into that.

My exprerience of letting go of things when I have had to forgive has just been to work at it. Every time my mind started down the road of wondering or dwelling on the hurt, I would choose to think of something different, to thank God for the person who had hurt me, to remember my own mistakes and short comings and to ask for God's help.

Some people reading this posting won't understand what I am saying, but if you do know the Lord then you will. Forgiveness is a process and you have begun it, press on and you will get there.

You haven't had an easy start to your marriage. Why not also consider doing some marriage enrichment. You can find course here and here.

Keep in touch

Liz
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Old 3rd September 2006, 03:48 AM   #6
November_Pain
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Smile Re: I have to forgive...but cant find the way.

thank you all very much for your words. I appreciate all of your responses and I must admit Markus hit the nail right on the head when diagnosing my issue. However, when it comes to the course of action, i most identify with Liz. I have to forgive not only because he is my husband and i've chosen to love him unconditionally and be his partner for the rest of my physical and spiritual lives, but also because i am a christian and as a christian i am obligated to do so. I must live and act as christ would and Jesus accepts and forgives when we've committed much worse. i have to remind myself of this constantly when trying to get out of this ditch. I must also repeatedly remind myself that the Lord is my strength and if for some reason something tragic does happen in the future, God will deliver me from it. Once again, Thank you all very much!

Sincerely,

November_Pain
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Old 4th September 2006, 01:33 AM   #7
mystified
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Re: I have to forgive...but cant find the way.

Has he done anything to try to resolve the issue. Has he apologised or shown remorse. Has he truly explained things just in case you are exaggerating anything (I'm not saying you are btw). I too am a Christian but I don't agree with blind forgiveness......that can be the path to more hurt. He needs to help and if he doesn't or won't try then I wouldn't forgive. Try not to get angry either as that doesn't help even though it's natural. Have you done him worng (I mean real wrong)? I guess not so he needs to sort things out.
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Old 5th September 2006, 06:46 PM   #8
Liz
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Re: I have to forgive...but cant find the way.

Forgiveness doesn't mean condoning what has happened, it means not actually holding the hurt against the other person, not eaxcting the punishment they may deserve. As a result of what has happened we may still tread carefully until full trust can be restored.

I hope you will keep in touch, November, so we can continue to support you.

Liz
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Old 6th September 2006, 12:16 AM   #9
mystified
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Re: I have to forgive...but cant find the way.

Not holding the hurt against the other person is good but in practice it is hard especially if you feel you did nothing wrong.

Forgiveness to me sounds like you are saying to the other person that what they did was undertstandable and acceptable. I know that sounds harsh but I'm not saying they need to be punished....they just need to show some sort of remorse and acknowledgement of the deep deep hurt they caused. I said above that I am a Christian but to me forgiveness is often very hard which is akin to me admitting that I am flawed (that's fine) - the closest I can get to forgiveness is either to ignore the other person or else to acknowledge that I caused part of the problem.

Sorry but I know that doesn't help but it's my view.
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Old 6th September 2006, 09:39 AM   #10
Kimberley
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Re: I have to forgive...but cant find the way.

Hi November Pain

Trying to forgive is so difficult but I appreciate you have a marriage you wish to save as did I at the time. All I can say from a person who was in the same boat is make sure there is remorse and hope before giving the greatest gift of forgiveness because you can get taken for a ride again and that is unfair and unchristan from the other party.

Take Care

Kimberley
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