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Old 26th December 2008, 09:33 PM   #1
Bonnerifica
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Just Friends?

My husband has gotten to be close friends with a woman at work. So close that they were spending every smoke break together and a co-worker of my husband's whom I am also friends noticed and commented that they were spending a lot of time together.
He talked about her problems constantly. Mostly her marrital problems. I started to get uncomfortable hearing that she was confiding so much in him about something so personal. He told me that the reason he told me the stories was because he felt like I didn't appreciate him and he wanted me to see what a bad husband and father is like.
I started to take classes on my computer at night and needed time alone to work on my computer. He took my daughter to the school behind our house to play. The work "friend" only lives around the block from us and near the school. I found out she was going there when he was there so her son could play with our daughter.
My husband would get all happy and excited and couldn't wait to get to the school to be with this woman. He even took our daughter over to the school when I didn't need to do school work.
Than he invited her to the house for a cook out. He invited her husband too. Her husband couldn't make it so she and her son came without him.
Her and I stated talking and she seemed to make an effort to be nice to me. She also seemed really disappointed when she found out that I was the one cooking dinner.
While I was talking to her my husband was hovering over us like he didn't really want me to talk to her.
After we ate lunch we came in and watched TV. She didn't seem to want to leave and my husband didn't want her to leave.
He went outside for a smoke and motioned for her to come out. She did and the two of them went way out to the back yard and sat on the bench together leaving me in the house with the two kids! I thought that was very inappropriate for him to do that!
I told him that it was nice that her and I got along. He said that he was surprised and thought I wouldn't like her. Why have her over the house than? Was he trying to show me someone else was interested in him?
I could see that they have an attraction for each other.
I confronted him about it and he said he was attracted to her and that he enjoyed her company because she understands him and he can talk to her about anything! Excuse me, but I thought that I was supposed to be the only one he confided in!
I told him I felt that the friendship was inappropriate and made me feel uncomforable. He told me that he won't leave me for her.
I told him I did not want him to see her or talk to her outside of work.
He seemed angry but accepted it.
This was back in May.
He continued to talk to her at work. I kept telling him that I didn't like the friendship but he still continued to talk to her.
Finally I had enough and told him that I don't want him talking to her any more and I want him to end the friendship.
He got angry with me. I know he was still talking to her too because her number showed up on his cell phone. He told me she never called his cell. Why lie about it?
I thought it was all over and that he wasn't talking to her but now I am not so sure.
If she is just a co-worker friend than why would he invest so much of himself with her? Why would he lie to me about talking to her? Why can't he end the friendship?
He as acted suspicously all along not wanting to share her with me. She really did not want to try to be friends with me either. It's like they are hiding something.
I can't get it through his head that he should not have such a close female friend, that it is wrong. He says I am just a jealous bitch.
I can't get him to understand how I feel! What should I do?
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Old 27th December 2008, 12:26 PM   #2
calmfornow
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Re: Just Friends?

Hi Bonnerifica,

I think I might just be inclined to contact her husband to see what he thinks about it, that is, if he even knows about it........
There is no smoke without fire and your h is showing all the classic signs and your marriage is seriously under threat. Do not take this lying down. As I said, I think her h should be made aware of the situation.....
Good luck,
cfn. x
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Old 28th December 2008, 03:19 PM   #3
Bonnerifica
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Re: Just Friends?

Not sure that is a good idea. It may just make matters worse. The only good thing is he isn't seeing her outside of wok anymore. I just need to get him to understand that this kind of fiendship is not healthy for our marriage.
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Old 28th December 2008, 04:01 PM   #4
calmfornow
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Re: Just Friends?

Hi,
You may never be able to get him to understand. Sometimes the only way to stand up for yourself is to make a stand. Trust me, I've been there. Are you sure that he and her do not meet outside of work? How do you know this? I'm very worried about the fact that he called you a jealous bitch. This is a serious red flag and should not be taken lightly.......
cfn. x
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Old 29th December 2008, 12:40 PM   #5
Raymond
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Just Friends?

He is obviously acting innapropriately and is stepping over a line only known to him and perhaps her. I relate to women at work but it is always above board as I am a married man and my wife must always come first. Occasionally you meet a kindred spirit and then you can have a battle especially if they are attractive. She is obviously allowing this and may be flattering him in various ways. He may be suffering low esteem and she is the one building him up when it should be you perhaps.

What is his love language? Could it be words of affirmation? What is it she is giving him that should be coming from you?

There are five main love languages. Touch, Gifts, Acts of Service, Words of Affirmation and Quality Time. Each of us has a main Love Language and will not perceive love if that main thing is missing. Something to think about.

What I am saying is yes he is not acting appropriately for a married man but perhaps there is an adjustment needed in your marriage as well?

Raymond
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Old 29th December 2008, 07:55 PM   #6
elioyemy
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Re: Just Friends?

I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I can only imagine how you must feel. I went thorugh a somewhat similiar situation, but no where close to that extreme. My husband respected my feelings and stopped the friendship. Your relationship is in a very, very dangerous situation. I would strongly recommend to speak to a marriage counselor or the pastor of the church and have him speak to your husband, but as soon as possible. His bahavior is completely unacceptable, you've taken all the correct steps in confronting him, and if something's not done soon, infidelity is at risk. You need to do all things possible to save your marriage. You may want to see a Christian marriage counselor, because there does seem to be issues in your marriage that need to be confronted, but first you must get the "friend" out of the picture. If you havew to, give him an altermatm, you or her!!! I pray that your marriage survive this trial...remember love suffers all (corintians 13). God's peace be with you.
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Old 2nd July 2009, 08:10 AM   #7
Hannah26
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Re: Just Friends?

I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I can only imagine how you must feel.our relationship is in a very, very dangerous situation. I would strongly recommend to speak to a marriage counselor or the pastor of the church and have him speak to your husband, but as soon as possible.
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