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Old 2nd June 2010, 05:34 PM   #1
hopelessMarriage
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hopeless marriage

Please pardon the long post.

My husband and I(both early 30) got married three years ago. We didn’t have sex before our wedding, but I never worried we’d have any problem in bed because we had such great chemistry when we were dating. He was a virgin and I was not because I was atheist.

We first had sex the third day on our honeymoon. Afterward he said he was not planning to have sex with me that night. I felt extremely disappointed and humiliated. But I thought he was just nervous because he had no sexual experience. During the whole honeymoon, we managed to have sex three times only but I thought he was just tired from the wedding.

Every time I ask him why he doesn’t want to have sex with me, his answer was the same “I do want have sex with you.” Was it because he was taught sex was evil when he was young? Was it because I was not a virgin like him and he considered me unclean? I asked him all the possible reasons and he denied them all.

After the honeymoon, we had sex once a week because I insisted it. After a while it became once every two weeks. Now it’s once every five weeks or more. I have cried many times in front of him and shared my feeling with him countless times. He would say sorry and promised he would solve the problem. But he did nothing for the last three years.

I felt ashamed and blamed myself at the beginning but now I don’t really care about anything. I don’t really want to divorce my husband. But the same time, I really feel that I don’t have any connection with him. All we do is to eat together. He barely spends time with me as he wants his ‘me’ time with his computers and games etc.

I used to try to have sex with him, but he would say NO without thinking. He only does it so that our marriage is not completely sexless. I try not to think about it and pretend that everything is fine like my husband does. But I know I am NOT normal any more. Not only I don’t ask him to have sex with me, I feel very uncomfortable when he touches me. We don’t even kiss kiss now. I have forced myself not to think about sex at all. My body still has desires as I am still very young, but my mind is completely switched off when sex is concerned.

I am a Christian now and my church is very strict. Divorce is out of options. I have prayed that God will save me my miserable marriage, but I still feel sad from time to time. I don’t love him anymore. All the feelings I have in front of him are: anger, sadness, humiliation and depression.

Sex is God's gift and its part of the marriage according to the Bible. I just don’t understand. Why my husband decided to marry me if all he wants is his ‘me’ time? Three years past, I am still not pregnant. Giving the frequency we have sex now, I may never able to have babies. Is this a test from God? Or is it a punishment?

Sorry the post is so long and my English is so poor. Please give me some advice/support if you have similar problems.

Last edited by hopelessMarriage; 2nd June 2010 at 06:57 PM.
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Old 2nd June 2010, 05:49 PM   #2
hopelessMarriage
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Re: hopeless marriage

It’s also worth mentioning that my husband doesn’t want to go to marriage counselling or spend any time research on what is a normal sex life and how to have a normal sex life. In general , he doesn’t want to spend time on solving the problem as he got more important things to care about, e,g the latest iPhone or games.

He is not gay and have no interest in porns.

Last edited by hopelessMarriage; 2nd June 2010 at 06:17 PM.
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Old 2nd June 2010, 08:28 PM   #3
Raymond
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Re: hopeless marriage

Hi sorry to hear you are going through this problem. I would have suspected secretive porn but you say that is not the case. The other thing to check is private mb. Some have built up a habit of doing this and cannot break it on marriage. It is usually accompanied by fantasies which can amount to a kind of mental adultery, so I hope it is not that, but it is worth checking. This would divert the normal sexual drive away from the normal channel between you.

It is very unusual for a male not to have a sex drive but there are some and these ones should not have been married in the first place. The bible calls them eunuchs. I hope it is not that. I find the closer I get to God the more my sex drive increases so one cannot blame God for this.

The only other thing is that you have mismatched frequency drives. This could mean that one wants it four times a week and the other only once a week. Usually a compromise is made to say 2.5 times a week. Your situation sounds though as if he is only doing it out of duty, rather than desire. The bible does say that each has power over the others body in the sexual sense so each should submit sexually to the other willingly and lovingly. He is obviously not living up to this which goes against what the scripture says.

All I can suggest is prayer and counselling which you say he doesn't want, but of course you can pray.

I would keep your eyes and ears open though in case there are any secret sexual diversions on the computer or in mb. These will divert his normal sexual drive away from you.

Raymond
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Old 2nd June 2010, 09:21 PM   #4
Fairy
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Posts: 19
Re: hopeless marriage

I think he masturbates as well...
Your husband is simply immature.

If you haven't done it yet. speak to the pastor or any other person he might respect and listen to.you cannot stay silent watch him ruin both your lives.

You can pray and you have to be wise.
No christian should be robbed of their right.God has not planned marriage as a punishment.
I wonder why a lot of christian refuses to grow up.this is insane.

If i were you, I will move to the next bedroom and make it a point that there is no point sleeping in the same bedroom.and watch his reaction.say that you are having a "me" time with the Lord.Take it as long as it is convenient for you.It is important to understand that your time as well with the Lord is important.
At the end of the day, only God can be judge between you two, no one else;so don't care about people might say.
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Old 3rd June 2010, 07:45 AM   #5
Raymond
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Re: hopeless marriage

Yes there is an immaturity there spending all this me time on computer games etc. The mb was only a theory. That might not be the case but it is something to check.

Fairy is right marriage should be a blessing to both but sometimes it takes a while to get through to that if we come in with problems. Sometimes problems show up which you didn't know you had and obviously that's the time for them to be sorted. God can work so long as we continue following Him and are sensitive to His leadings. That's one of the good things about marriage the way that it exposes ones own selfishness so that God can deal with it. I think this must be happening to your husband HP assuming he has a conscience toward God.

Raymond
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Old 3rd June 2010, 08:28 AM   #6
Raymond
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: hopeless marriage

There is a christian site HM where you will be able to discuss in depth the sexual relationship with others. There may be others in the same boat as you. Some find it very blatant but within it are christian people who discuss everything and everything. If you can ignore the stuff you don't want you may be able to find a relevant thread, but don't give up on here, I am interested in your journey on this and what it is that is happening in your circumstances. The site is themarriagebed.com

There was a case on here where a woman married a eunuch but unlike your case the marriage was never consumated and sex didn't take place at all ever. She had to get a divorce in the end. I think he wanted a friend and not a wife and didn't really understand what a marriage was.

Raymond
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