Please help. My life has been turned upside down

[verysadlady]

I know also that marriage is a different kettle of fish. We were saving for it and planning it, but I know also it is not the same. A few moths before this we had our own little ceremony in the house where we exchanged vows. I know it's not the same, but I figured God could hear us make our promises and they meant at least something. In my heart I had made that lifelong commitment and those promises, so I suppose now I feel bound to keep them.

The only time in all of this I feel happy or relieved is when I am praying. they had a prayer circle for our family at church and this really helped. For some reason no amount of therapy or chatting with friends gives me any clarity at all. When I pray I feel like I need to be strong and have faith. I hope that's a message.

If he had unresolved issues and this is his way to be peaceful inside and to learn to communicate his negative emotions that is a good thing. It just seemed to all happen in a way that hurt a lot of people and feels hard to fix.

I am learning patience...it's not easy.

[ronnoco]

I think moving back to where your business is and more importantly, near your best friend makes complete sense.

Hopefully, he will get through it and if this does happen, he can move closer to you.

It's fine to have hope but start thinking of yourself and your child now. I think you'll be much happier back where you belong and in the company of your best friend.

Take each day one day at a time. Hold on to the good days and let the bad days go. Keeping a journal may actually help.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger hey!

[chosen]

Originally Posted by verysadlady

I know also that marriage is a different kettle of fish. We were saving for it and planning it, but I know also it is not the same. A few moths before this we had our own little ceremony in the house where we exchanged vows. I know it's not the same, but I figured God could hear us make our promises and they meant at least something. In my heart I had made that lifelong commitment and those promises, so I suppose now I feel bound to keep them.

The only time in all of this I feel happy or relieved is when I am praying. they had a prayer circle for our family at church and this really helped. For some reason no amount of therapy or chatting with friends gives me any clarity at all. When I pray I feel like I need to be strong and have faith. I hope that's a message.

If he had unresolved issues and this is his way to be peaceful inside and to learn to communicate his negative emotions that is a good thing. It just seemed to all happen in a way that hurt a lot of people and feels hard to fix.

I am learning patience...it's not easy.

vsl You dont need a big ceremony, just the two of you can marry cheaply(if it comes to that when he has recovered) and you could have a big get together for family and friends when you have more money if you like. Its so important to marry properly and legally you see. Its as if God cant bless a relationship where the couple aren't married, because they are living outside His will and protection, and boy you did have a lot of issues didn't you.
God loves you and wants the best for you, and marriage is the best for you if you do stay together. However you are not bound in that sense to him, unless you chose to be, the choice is yours in the end. You are quite free to leave or to stay and hang on.

When you say he hurt so many people, do you mean by upping and leaving like that, or what there more to it?

[chosen]

Originally Posted by ronnoco

I think moving back to where your business is and more importantly, near your best friend makes complete sense.

Hopefully, he will get through it and if this does happen, he can move closer to you.

It's fine to have hope but start thinking of yourself and your child now. I think you'll be much happier back where you belong and in the company of your best friend.

Take each day one day at a time. Hold on to the good days and let the bad days go. Keeping a journal may actually help.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger hey!

Yes I agree, when my first marriage ended very suddenly, I did a lot of writing, and it did help, and of course talking to God. I am sure that whatever happens God will use this time to draw you closer to Him, and if you do get back together with him, my advise is not to live together again till you are married. Do it properly this time.

IF you go and live with your friend, see if you can find a nice friendly church there for you and your son to be part of. It would be good for you to be around some supportive, mature and wise believers.

[verysadlady]

Hi Chosen

I wanted to go off just the two of us. He said it was important to him to stand up in front of our family and friends. I could understand that.

Yes, I just mean by upping and leaving. I am sure he is very depressed and very ill but surely there were alternatives. Like talking first.

[toellandback]

Hands up anyone here that has felt like just giving up at some point, just curling up and giving in to that exhaustion plaguing our minds and bodies when everything becomes so difficult to maintain. I certainly have. I've heard the voice telling me to just lay down , stop trying, wait for help. I fought it , just about won , but for many such as your fiance vbl it just is to much , to exhausting. As others have said , he does not want you seeing him so weak and defenceless. But I truely believe he needs and wants you as much if not more than ever. Now is your time for him, and when he is better he will always be there for you too. Hard times , but you sound very brave. If there is still love there is still all the hope in the world. Don't try to be all things to him , just be there when he calls. Lean on friends and family too as you cannot do it all alone. Raymond is undoubtedly correct as are the others here. It is helpful to be here

[verysadlady]

Originally Posted by chosen

my advise is not to live together again till you are married. Do it properly this time.

I already decided this as a non-negotiable point for me after this experience. I think I presumed being engaged was the same, but as you say...it wasn't. you live and learn. I am sure had we been married his commitment to that would have caused him to talk to me before walking out and it would have saved an awful lot of disruption.

And yes, we will always find a church wherever we got. My son though is autistic, and he doesn't do so well with it. Maybe when he is a little older.

One thing Chosen that keeps coming to my mind, is that when we were under all that stress I cried one day on the floor and really prayed for God to improve things. It seemed like we had so much bad luck, and I had developed panic attacks which strangely went (from the shock?) when he left. I keep wondering if He is doing that in his mysterious way. Keeping faith in that might be easier than keeping faith in anything else.

My Mum has been taking me to light candles at this sacred font nearby where we are staying. It helps.

[verysadlady]

Thanks Barry That was lovely.

I just got a sudden surge of hope that maybe what I am missing is having him to rely on and share my own feelings and maybe that is selfish in the circumstances. Maybe now is the time for me to rely on myself and God alone.

I think maybe if I try and I can turn it into a positive. the messages here have really, really helped me. Thank you!

[chosen]

Originally Posted by verysadlady

Hi Chosen

I wanted to go off just the two of us. He said it was important to him to stand up in front of our family and friends. I could understand that.

Yes, I just mean by upping and leaving. I am sure he is very depressed and very ill but surely there were alternatives. Like talking first.

You can have a small ceremony together, and later have a larger church blessing maybe? When my husband and I married 8 years ago(second marriage for both of us) the wedding only cost about £400-500,(about $600) and that was including his suit and my outfit. OK we did only have 20 people, (only close family)but there is no reason to have to spend a lot, especially for a second wedding. The most important thing is that you get married first.

Well yes, that would have been the most sensible thing to do to talk first, and hopefully he will learn from this, and seek help sooner next time.

I would pray and ask God what to do, because only HE knows the future, and what will happen, and if this man is the one that He wants you to marry.

[chosen]

Originally Posted by verysadlady

I already decided this as a non-negotiable point for me after this experience. I think I presumed being engaged was the same, but as you say...it wasn't. you live and learn. I am sure had we been married his commitment to that would have caused him to talk to me before walking out and it would have saved an awful lot of disruption.

And yes, we will always find a church wherever we got. My son though is autistic, and he doesn't do so well with it. Maybe when he is a little older.

One thing Chosen that keeps coming to my mind, is that when we were under all that stress I cried one day on the floor and really prayed for God to improve things. It seemed like we had so much bad luck, and I had developed panic attacks which strangely went (from the shock?) when he left. I keep wondering if He is doing that in his mysterious way. Keeping faith in that might be easier than keeping faith in anything else.

My Mum has been taking me to light candles at this sacred font nearby where we are staying. It helps.

yes I am sure that God is working in all this for good for both of you. He needs to lean on God more as well, and stop thinking that he has to do everything himself and keep it all to himself. Stay on the right track this time, and I am sure you will gradually see things improve for both of you.
In the end His ways are always best, and although we can chose to go our own way, things never seem to work out well if we do.

Interesting that the panic attacks stopped when he left.

[chosen]

Originally Posted by verysadlady

Thanks Barry That was lovely.

I just got a sudden surge of hope that maybe what I am missing is having him to rely on and share my own feelings and maybe that is selfish in the circumstances. Maybe now is the time for me to rely on myself and God alone.

I think maybe if I try and I can turn it into a positive. the messages here have really, really helped me. Thank you!

Yep and God can take it. You also have family and friends which is a blessing. Also you can always come here. You may not always get answers straight away as many of us are in the UK, but you will get answered. I can see really good things coming out of this vsl, if you turn it over to God and let Him work.

[Raymond]

You can't go wrong by trusting in Him even if it has to be learned over a period.

What struck me reading over this is that he doesn't keep good boundaries which leads to resentment later. Maybe he feels he has to do things which he doesn't have to. Kind of a people pleaser perhaps? Saying no to someone doesn't have to ruin a relationship and being able to respect a no and still keep relationship is a sign of maturity. I think the book Boundaries might help here which is written by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend. We as a couple are finding it invaluable in deciding what we do and what we don't do. Doing something under pressure is a red light. I suspect he didn't have the best of upbringings and never learned how to keep correct boundaries. We are all responsible for whats under our own skin and do not have to give control to others.

[chosen]

Originally Posted by Raymond

You can't go wrong by trusting in Him even if it has to be learned over a period.

What struck me reading over this is that he doesn't keep good boundaries which leads to resentment later. Maybe he feels he has to do things which he doesn't have to. Kind of a people pleaser perhaps? Saying no to someone doesn't have to ruin a relationship and being able to respect a no and still keep relationship is a sign of maturity. I think the book Boundaries might help here which is written by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend. We as a couple are finding it invaluable in deciding what we do and what we don't do. Doing something under pressure is a red light. I suspect he didn't have the best of upbringing and never learned how to keep correct boundaries.

A friend of mine has severely over protected her now adult children and as a result they are now incapable of making decisions or of standing up for themselves. Of course people will take advantage of them because of this, and they let them, and just moan about it behind their back. I wonder if this happened here?

[verysadlady]

Originally Posted by Raymond

What struck me reading over this is that he doesn't keep good boundaries which leads to resentment later. Maybe he feels he has to do things which he doesn't have to. Kind of a people pleaser perhaps?

Exactly. He has literally no boundaries. I have seen him do very inappropriate things to "people please", things that sometimes severely impacted his own life, finances etc.

[verysadlady]

No Chosen, but he went away to school (boarding school) from the age of 9 so he learned pretty young to keep his feelings to himself. He was bullied in school, could not get a girlfriend, was not picked for the sports teams etc. He became a people pleaser and an academic to "get along" in life I think.

His family are very nice, good people, but also they are a little cold and don't discuss anything deep. He always acts like a different person when we visit his family. Like he is trying to impress them. It's strange.

He then married his first girlfriend at 17, while still in school, and she was very domineering. She is also very cold, does not discuss things.

He is almost 40 now, and if she would text him saying "we need to talk" or something he would be visibly shaken by it. She was very passive aggressive. When they were married, If he hugged her, she just stood there with her arms by her side. It was a very bad life he had for 15 years but he is such a nice guy that he would not really acknowledge that he is angry with her. All he would say is "she's not a bad person".

Even when she moved her boyfriend into their home with their son. He cried one night for 5 minutes and after that never had a bad word to say about either of them.

Sometimes you just have to get angry in life.