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Old 27th April 2014, 03:27 PM   #1
Hopeless45
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3 years on and Im still in a quandry

Hi all

Ive been separated over 3 years and still seem to be holding a candle for my estranged husband. Ive been on countless dates in this time hes got a new woman ... what do i do to move along?

It hasnt been all plain sailing since we split .. we both still have feelings for one another but as with everything not strong enough in my opinion to base a marriage on.

Im not sure what i should be saying as so much has gone on ... i cant seem to break the ties ...
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Old 27th April 2014, 05:15 PM   #2
ronnoco
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Re: 3 years on and Im still in a quandry

Hello and welcome to the forum.

If you split amicably, there may always be feelings. To be having strong feelings though after 3 years does seem a long time.

It's going to be difficult to advise really without more information. Why did you separate? Do you have any children, etc
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Old 27th April 2014, 07:32 PM   #3
chosen
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Re: 3 years on and Im still in a quandry

If he has new lady and you have been on lots of dates, why are you not divorcing? Three years is a long time to be separated. You are in this limbo state of not really being married, but not being single. I think you need to end the marriage so that you can move on, and not have any contact unless its specifically to do with any children. I would also advise to stay away from dating until your marriage is ended. You have to cut those ties, they wont cut themselves.

Last edited by chosen; 27th April 2014 at 08:58 PM.
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Old 27th April 2014, 10:31 PM   #4
Hopeless45
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Unhappy Re: 3 years on and Im still in a quandry

Many thanks for your replies.

Three years is a long time to be separated but financially im not in a position to fund the cost of divorce. Even with legal aid the cost is £700 which i dont have. He doesnt want to divorce.
he cheated 5 years ago on 2 occasions with the same woma . We split for a few months then we tried again. Things tickex by for another 2 years and we separated again when i found him texting another woman who was just a friend. This lady is his now girlfriend. Over the last 3 years he has
continually admitted his guilt at his infidelity and what it has done to me and my 2 kids. I dont doubt he feels guilt but he still been in a relationship with the other woman. Hes manipulative and i recognise that.
My problem is that despite the lies hes told me the way my life has gone his indidelity i still love and have feelings for him. Im also bitter at whats happened. How can i still love a nan who has lied cheated humiliated me?
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Old 27th April 2014, 11:03 PM   #5
chosen
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Re: 3 years on and Im still in a quandry

You can love a man who treats you badly yes, but you clearly cant trust him. He is a man who repeatedly lies, deceives and cheats, and has treated you very badly. Someone in my family just got divorced and they didn't use solicitors and it only cost two or three hundred pounds between them. Maybe you could borrow the money from a family member or friend? I had to sell my house and down size when I got divorced to pay the fees.
If he is with another woman, why doesn't he want a divorce? In any case he isn't in a position to say what he wants. I dont see you have any choice but to end it and move on unless you want to live the rest of your life in limbo. You need to let go, have no contact with him and file for divorce.
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Old 28th April 2014, 11:28 AM   #6
Raymond
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Re: 3 years on and Im still in a quandry

It is very sad HL and shows how divorce rips apart people. Some of you is with him and some of him is with you. This marriage was meant to succeed but was torn apart through adultery and cheating which he still lives in. That is why you still feel as you do but sadly the truth has to be faced in that his unfaithfulness has torn the marriage apart.

I don't know why he doesn't want a divorce and that might be somehow keeping alive some hope in your sub-conscious but the reality is that he is living in adultery and you have to face that. If he really wanted to continue the marriage he would need to cut all contact with this woman. Really you need to get into that place of having a funeral for him so that you can heal and your life can continue. I know it is difficult but it takes two to have a marriage not one. None of this would stop him coming back if he was really serious and repentant but the right thing for you is to cut free in the present circumstances.

I would recommend forgiveness for your sake. Bitterness will hold you to him in the wrong way and could do more damage in your life. You have to let him go and forgive. As hard as that is it is the only way to be free for the future and your own wellbeing. Who knows what can open up for you once you have dealt with this.

Last edited by Raymond; 28th April 2014 at 11:35 AM.
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Old 28th April 2014, 12:43 PM   #7
Hopeless45
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Unhappy Re: 3 years on and Im still in a quandry

Hi again

thank you for your advice ... i really appreciate it. Ive been living in my limbo for such a long time and believe it or not the advice i have received is more or less what i knew the case to be.

He has indicated on some many occasions that he wants us to be a family again and is willing to work for it. Alas no evidence to date either actions or otherwise have been seen. Its this thats most likely keeping me from doing what i know i should do. He has said he is finished with his woman but i dont believe that to be true. As for divorce i have kids under 16 which can prove to be a problem in that the courts have to be involved. But its somethin im lookin into now.

Raymond you speak of forgiving. I understand there has to be forgiveness. But how do i actually go about doing it?? Im so bitter and resentful of how his actions have affected my lufe. My kids lives ... my parents lives. I take my responsibility for my part in the problems we had. How do i firgive?? Stop being bitter at how he has rebuilt his life when im barely able to rub two pennies together?? Im very unhappy.
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Old 28th April 2014, 06:31 PM   #8
Raymond
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Re: 3 years on and Im still in a quandry

The marriage cannot be fixed without a restoration of the trust HL. This is the part of the relationship that takes the longest to be built up but can be broken the quickest. His blurring the edges and indecisiveness is not conducive to re-building trust. You would want to see a full repentance and a determination from him to win back your trust. Anything less will not work and even if he did that it would take a long time for you to feel you could trust him again. From what you say we are not seeing that and for your own protection you should not accept anything less. They would be your conditions if he ever got anywhere near that scenario. If you were tempted to take him back without that you would be in danger of becoming a doormat.

In the meantime you need to release yourself.

You asked about forgiveness. When I say that I am not talking about restoring the relationship I am talking about freeing yourself. I agree that you have been treated most unfairly and that makes forgiveness a bigger hurdle than normal but that happens to be the only way to complete healing. Bitterness will only harm you in the end and compound your injuries. If you are really serious I would verbalise it first. Just say with your voice I forgive him after you have decided you want to do it. You might have to say it more than once and it may well be something that will take time to work through.

If you do have any faith in God this would obviously help tremendously as the scripture says "vengeance belongs to the Lord". I will repay says He. Bitterness and revenge can go on for decades and life is too short to allow it to take root.

I think building yourself up as a person will help you in all you need to do. So basically it is cut off from him and forgive thus releasing yourself from negative emotions. Accept that you are now single. Grieve for your loss and then move on. Don't wait for him to change as you could be waiting forever. If he has a serious change of heart he will seek you out but you yourself shouldn't hang around hoping as it will hinder the new life you have to get on with.
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Old 28th April 2014, 06:41 PM   #9
ronnoco
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Re: 3 years on and Im still in a quandry

Hi HL,

Everything Chosen said it correct and Raymond's post was utterly brilliant.

You will always miss that family unit you had. I'm the same. It's thinking of those memories and good times that as Raymond rightly said makes your sub-conscious have hope but the reality is your husband destroyed your family unit and your marriage and you need to move on.

Life is short and precious. The clock is ticking and this limbo state and bitterness is causing you to waste your precious time. You're a good person and you deserve to be with someone who treats you right. You will find this person but only once you have had the funeral for your husband and put it to rest. Him doing this carrot dangling thing that gives you hope isn't t nice for you.

It wasn't your fault. There is never an excuse for adultery and he didn't just do it the once. I doubt he would ever change based on his actions.

You need to concentrate on learning to be happy within, comfortable within your own skin. Explore yourself and new hobbies and interests and it will open doors.

All the best.
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Old 28th April 2014, 08:26 PM   #10
chosen
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Re: 3 years on and Im still in a quandry

Forgiveness isn't a feeling but a decision. The most helpful thing I ever heard on forgiveness is this. When you forgive someone, you are not letting them off the hook, but you are taking them off your hook and putting them onto Gods hook. Therefore you are giving up your desire for revenge or judgment and leaving that to God. You may have to make that decisions to forgive many times, and you have to CHOOSE not to harbour anger and bitterness or bad thoughts about him and the other women. It may help to write this all down, all the hurt and anger and betrayal and burn it.

I think that a divorce will enable you to grieve and put the past behind you. He is probably keeping you on stand by in case he is left alone. If he was serious he wouldn't have gone out with anyone else since the separation, but would be doing all he could to repair the terrible damage he has done. If you have joint children then you presumably have arrangements already standing for who has them when after all this time. I would see if you can borrow the money from a relative or friend, and just get it done.
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Old 28th April 2014, 10:32 PM   #11
Hopeless45
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Thumbs up Re: 3 years on and Im still in a quandry

Hello All

I am so grateful for the time you have all spent helping me with my current situation. Its been hard but all the advice has brought me l clarity. Many thanks.

amazing how a fresh look at your situation can raise actual real possibilities to begin the healing process.

Sincere thanks all x
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Old 28th April 2014, 10:37 PM   #12
chosen
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Re: 3 years on and Im still in a quandry

Its sometimes helps to get advise and perspectives from those who aren't directly involved.
God Bless.
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Old 29th April 2014, 12:44 PM   #13
Raymond
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Re: 3 years on and Im still in a quandry

Grieving is a pain that cures a pain. We need to grieve and move on.
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