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Old 3rd February 2012, 12:57 PM   #1
what a mess
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The First Few Weeks

Now is not the time to not be completley honest.

I have been with my husband for 14 years and been married for 11 years 8 months.
We have 3 children together 11,9,8 and a step son whom is 26 and a grandson 7 months.

My husband stopped been intrested in me I work full times and so does he. I was the 1 who did all the housework and took the kids to various clubs and I felt very unloved, unappreciated, unattractive and felt my husband was only putting up with me because I did so much. He could get very angry and has been violent on a few occasions.
We have always had good holidays, own our own house and although we arent well off we dont have bad money worries or anything like that.

16 months ago I met a man and we began a relationship he became my best friend we would go to lunch, or for a walk or for a nice meal or just watch a film together or talk. This fantasy life began to have more bearing on me than my marriage I didnt paticularly hide it and I honestly thought my husband knew but didnt care enough to stop it.
I remeber many times thinking I wish he would ask me to end it and that he was willing to be the only man I needed. He didnt know.

3 weeks ago he looked through my phone something neither of us has ever felt a need to do our relationship had previously been very honest and open.
He realised what I was doing and calmly packed my bags put them in the car and made me leave.
Over the last few weeks we have spoken sometimes for hours at a time. We do not want this to be the end. We are trying to take positive steps I am staying at my brothers as he is away so we are splitting time with the children.
My husband told the eldest 2 what I had done and my 11 year old daughter is so very angry with me and will not let us have any time to talk she doesnt want us anywhere near each other.

My husband is heartbroken and knows that he pushed me away. I always knew I loved my husband he just seemed so unintrested in me and I selfishly wanted to be loved and cared for.
We have booked to go away in a months time for a few days to give the 5 of us some time together away from the stresses of everyday.

We have read a few books and mae notes in them for the other and are been very open. Things are positive but I want to make sure we completely get to the bottom of this so that we know we will never be in this position again.
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Old 4th February 2012, 01:01 PM   #2
Raymond
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Re: The First Few Weeks

There was obviously a marriage problem before your emotional affair WM. Although you had the affair because of the marriage problems you have still been unfaithful to your husband and have dishonoured your marriage vows. The affair was obviously an escape rather than a genuine transfer to another person. Nevertheless you need to show your husband how sorry you are and begin to work to restore the trust, provided he is willing to forgive.

This still leaves the marriage problems and in a way now is the opportunity to discuss them as they were the reason for your affair, although nothing can justify the affair.

I think if he read your post he would understand the situation more perfectly and realise what went wrong.
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Old 6th February 2012, 11:00 PM   #3
what a mess
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Re: The First Few Weeks

We are talking more than we have in a very long time and I think we will get
There. We do love each other just lost it all along the way.
I am opening everything up to my husband and discussing all and answering any questions he needs answers to.
I know it's very early days but we are spending time alone as well as a family although I haven't moved back home as I want him to have all the space he needs.
Also it's along time ago since we missed one another so the messages and phone calls now mean so much more.
I know it is my husband I want I just wante him to want me too.
We had it so good for so long and we can't throw our marriage away because we both made big mistakes and hurt each other and I know what I have done is so very wrong and I am so very sorry.
If this hadn't happened though I do believe our marriage would have ended but we have been given an opportunity for a fresh start and I will be grabbing it with both hands.
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Old 7th February 2012, 09:13 AM   #4
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Re: The First Few Weeks

Dear Lady..

I am not going to beat up on you. You know what you did was wrong. You never solve marriage problems outside the home. Your husband might think he has the high ground when he discovered the affair. He is DEAD to pack your bags and throw you out of the family home after three children and 14 years together! You must have been very physically intimidated to allow that to happen? You should have made a police complaint as that qualifies as an assault if he physically forced you out. That is what happened, isn't it?

Let me say that again he was DEAD wrong! You can't legally even throw a boarder out of your home when you rent a room them without legally giving him in writing 30 day notice to vacate!

You have a legal and marital right to REMAIN in your home with your children. NOW, if he was violent and lifted you up or threatned you physically you could have called the police from the driveway and they would have seen YOU back in the house. He would be asked to leave for a temporary time until an attorney was consulted.

It disturbs me that he seems to have ignored you and looked the other way at your loneliness and than he erupts as the injured spouse! Now I get the feeling you might get peace on HIS terms when the marriage has been on his terms for years. While he is now being nice I would not go back to the old times and he "forgives you."

There is a LOT of work to be done on that marriage. I think you need to consult an attorney and get it plain he can't put you out of your home. He CANNOT remove you from the home with your small children. Legally, you would be allowed to remain in the home and perhaps you use a different bedroom or HE moves out. He thinks he is on the moral high road but that doesn't include his punishing you as if you were an indentured servant.

If you are grudgingly allowed to come home you will never have peace! That is what is underlying this marriage and I read between the lines, there is big control issues there. Maybe you felt you owned your life by seeing this other man? You don't own your life, as it stands. You will never own your life if you let him get away with banishing you from the home. See an attorney and get that established. Then you get him to agree to go to counselling together. Your children are your children. Without a legal custody order he cannot hold those children "hostage" as he has done wth your banishment. Frankly, I am amazed you let him get by with this! That "felling guilty" doesn't mean you are not the mother of those children and you have rights with them and rights with the home.

You need to stand up here or you will be steam rollered. He is a violent man and has you under the gun of his control. Now you are "wrong" so he can be more right. He doesn't need an excuse to be an angry man during the marriage. Listen to me, dear, you do it this way or you will go back to being afraid. Now he has a whip to hold over your head, he will use it. So you love him?
Love him with your head, and turn off the heart. This man brought this about with domination and neglect. He will dominate you more now. That is detestible that he told the children about this situation. disgusting behavior. Don't you accept that nastiness. Somebody must have beat you down pretty bad in your childhood because you seem completely rolled over here. So he pitted your children against you. If I were you, I would hate his guts for that one. Do they know...did they see violence from him in that home? that fact he would warp his childrens' lives to turn them against their mother tells me he has pretty lousy character.

You need to go home and HE should leave awhile. Let him go to HIS relativers. I am shocked your brother did not advise you that this is a turnaround in how the law sees such events. They don't sympathize with a man who throws his wife out of the marital home and keeping custody of the kids! You schedule time with a counselor ASAP because somebody has got you beat to the ground. Do NOT allow that to happen. You want to get marriage on track..dig your heels in and force some changes. The first one is... you get a court order to return to the home. I wish you luck and yes, I know marital law.

You need some serious help and intervention. Please get that! God bless you. You need some serious kindness.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 7th February 2012 at 09:30 AM.
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Old 7th February 2012, 12:17 PM   #5
what a mess
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Re: The First Few Weeks

I think that you have read a different side to this story than what I meant to convey.

Our marriage was in a mess he has in the past been physical.
I was not physically removed he packed my bags in a calm manner and put them in the car.
We have both been having a equal share with the children.

My husband has been to see a doctor to deal with his side of things and he has been told he has severe depression that has been going on for a few years.
He is deeply disgusted that his lack of love and emmotion has pushed me into the arms of another man.
He has also met the 3rd party and in a civil way spoken to him and given him a letter that the children wrote.

The kids knowing has broken my heart but also on a positive note the then understood why we has fallen out which has made them realise that it had nothing to do with them.

I so very much appreciate your concern but we are making very positive steps and neither of us want things to be as they were.
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Old 7th February 2012, 02:15 PM   #6
Raymond
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Re: The First Few Weeks

Sounds like you are both working on your marriage now WM and that is something positive which has come out of something negative. I really hope you get back to where you should be and even go beyond that.
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Old 7th February 2012, 05:40 PM   #7
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Re: The First Few Weeks

Dear Mess..

How sad it is that you have been in a marriage where you now apologize for his actions...evicting you from the marital home and telling the children to pit them against you! That happens when there is a cycle of dominance and domestic violence. Power is not only control physically but emotional abuse, where a man will stand and yell in his wifes' face. By his physical size he can intimidate her to quietly defer to keep the peace so he won't get angry, which is scary.

That control scars the soul and for the price of keeping the peace you keep your tongue, when you would speak out. That behavior is not forgiven by his "depression." If you go back without working through these issues, there is likely more incidents as he likely saw this in his own childhood home. Such men are very attractive because the sense of dominance, at its' best, feels like a woman is loved more and protected. Later, the cycle starts, and she feels worthless, unattractive and unwanted. That is clearly what has happened to you. I got the picture. You are now sorry you "told on him" because most often a woman feels shame for anyone to know this happenes in her home. That is not your fault if you defer when he intimidates.

He did not have to physically pick you up and throw you out of there. The fact he "quietly/calmly" packed your bags and put you out of the marital home is assaultive behavior, however it was done. Now, if you go along with his program on his terms, you will be the whipping boy in the marriage, as now you are "wrong" and he is right. You may have gotten a little feeling of being appreciated with the OM. Have you talked to the man and made him aware of these events? He is likely married as well?

I think it is sad here that your husband can still pull your strings. You worked. I am sure you bring the money into the home. You have an equal part in there financially. You were the one who cared for the children, while his role was more passive. You felt it was your role to do it all. I am utterly disgusted he met the OM and forced these children to write a letter to present to him! That is more than control. That is utterly abusive behavior to pull his children into that triangle. Dear lady, I know about a violent marriage and had one in previous marriage. A man snarling in ones' face makes a woman do anything to keep the peace. I remember my shoulders tightened up when I could see it would be "one of those days." I did everything to keep things calm for my childrens' sake. I didn't want him to yell at the kids or make me feel bad at some stupid thing he would blow into a major event.

Yes, it got physical finally, when I wanted out. He badly injured me. So I remember the cycle that comes with being the peacemaker. The touble here is, you are so pacified with the cycle of dominance you think it is OK what is going down here so long as he lets you back into the home. You just want things to "go back as they were." That is why I tell you that you must bring a counselor into this situation. You cannot work this out to do that. It won't be like it was, it will be worse.

Your children have beeen emotionally scarred, not by what you did, by what HE did to use them as power pawns to punish you for your transgression. You feel deeply sorry. Good, that you feel bad, but what happened here will effect your relationship forever with these kids from his actions. You don't have to originally go together to counselor, but you need help, and understanding of the dynamics here in this marriage. You seem unable to back off and see how he is pulling strings. You are being directed by him. That is wrong, and needs to be stopped. You both still have feelings and you both want to have a healthy marriage. you both hae work to do to make that possible.

I don't know if you are in US or elsewhere, but marital law, as you contributed to the home to the home, you probably are joint owners on the deed? That is all the more reason he can not legally evict you! Good he "allows" you to be with the children, but since you did most of the caretaking with them, he doesn't want to be 100% responsible for their care anyway. Where and how do you see the children? Are you visiting them and do you then leave to go back to your brothers' after the visit? Believe me, I do get the picture. The problem is you need to get the picture how he is playing this out to punish you. That is disgusting.

Can you see what I am telling you here? You make peace on his terms, just as you lived on his terms. You must get some strength and understanding of a marriage of violence. The emotional dominance steals away your ability to make personal decisions. You have no feeling of your own competence. It is puppet behavior. Your deep need to be loved means that without that dominance you feel you have no worth. Please do call and make counselling time for yourself. You need some understanding and sympathy to how powerless a person can feel in such a marriage. You can change some dynamics and gain strength. Then you both need to address the power moves
he has exerted here with these children. I think that is desperately sad.

There are young children. Of course, you want to salvage your marriage. It is obvious you love him deeply and that is why you make excuses for his behavior. Because you love, and because of what he has done to break your spirit. I wish you the strength to get help for the dynamics and force. There needs to be some confrontation with a counselor about his behavior.

Please, get help because you wil be hurt if you don't get professional help to change the patterns there. Is it all his fault? I say no. You must have been pulled together from what is in you to need that dominence to feel loved. It is a co-dependent relationship. If you do this perhaps you can both change the pattern and have a healthy marriage. There has to be an environment that is emotionally healthy for the kids. You need some help and understanding of the textbook pattern here. Together...since you both care enough about each other you can change tese patterns.

I wish you well, but going along with him to dictate terms will get you more of the same and perhaps an escalation in the violent behavior. It is not working on the marriage to let him control this situation, as he has done.

They have a saying in the US, "Been there, done that." I did both. God bless you.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 7th February 2012 at 10:13 PM.
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Old 7th February 2012, 08:08 PM   #8
Forever
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Re: The First Few Weeks

Greetings WAM,
Sounds to me that there is much hope for a needed change in your marriage. While I do not agree with some of the comments made here, I think that your husband has had a big "wake up" call and is doing what he can to repair his end of the "mess". Good for him, and good for you and the children. I am glad he spoke to your lover and had the children write a letter to him...I see it much differently...as a father and husband who is appealing to the decency of another so that man can realize how many lives will be effected by continuing in the relationship. That is very humbling for a man to do, to have to appeal to another to get a chance to make things right.

I wish you all the best, it sounds like the two of you are well on your way to a good relationship...and I seriously doubt that this will be hung over your head in the future because your husband is taking responsibility too.

Kindest Regards!
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Old 7th February 2012, 10:26 PM   #9
1aokgal
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Re: The First Few Weeks

He could have met the OM and had a drink with him and become great buddies! It is just disgusting he pulled his children into the enforced punitive letter writing! That was a cowardly thing for him to do. Those children will remember that for the rest of their lives.

Children should NEVER, EVER be used as power pawns. He manipulated that little production to punish their mother for her errant behavior. Nothing was gained, except to punish the mother, and scar the children emotionally. The children will always be embarrassed to be used that way. This husband did not humble himself to do that. He played a part, as the "wronged husband," and punished the mother of his children, just as he planned.

I am deeply sorry for this mother for her to realize the children were forced to do that scene. They had no business to be told this dirty laundry story. It will hurt the concept they have of their mother forever. That was this mans' intent! He succeeded in polarizing the kids and shocking them by this situation. BTW, they will sure see that father differently in future, as well. They will judge him pretty harshly
10 years from today, with maturity. Held in the light, it was sleazy action on his part, to tell the children anything about how he drove his wife out into the night. Then he told them something they should never hear. These are not adult children and they have a right to innocense. This man stole that from them. Not her behavior, his behavior.

If my children had been treated so disgracefully, I would never forgive that man for that action in his poor judgment when he chose to punish that mother and expose her actions to these little kids. You don't bring children into adult problems. They should not hear such family garbage. Adults work out their problems. He used them. He wins no prizes for decent fatherhood in that scene.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 8th February 2012 at 02:52 AM.
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Old 8th February 2012, 03:24 AM   #10
lisatheweddingplanner
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Re: The First Few Weeks

[QUOTE=what a mess;69832]Now is not the time to not be completley honest.

My husband is heartbroken and knows that he pushed me away. I always knew I loved my husband he just seemed so unintrested in me and I selfishly wanted to be loved and cared for.
We have booked to go away in a months time for a few days to give the 5 of us some time together away from the stresses of everyday.

.[/QUOTE]

I hope the best for you. Sometimes good people make mistakes. Hopefully you can talk it through, and hopefully if you both do want to work it out you learn ways to communicate before it ever would get to this point again. Communication and honesty before you lead down the "danger" road is the best policy.
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Old 8th February 2012, 04:44 AM   #11
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Re: The First Few Weeks

The best way to get away from stress for two adults is to go away WITHOUT the children for a few days to sort out things and perhaps get some intimate times.

Family trips work best when the problems are out of the way first. Kids are wonderful, but being caretakers on a trip isn't going to achieve getting away from stresses. That sounds like bringing the stresses along. Sometimes marriage gets in trouble because the demands of family and children robs a couple out of the romance. A time for two might revive that romance. You can always take the kids to places they like on return. Just a thought.
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Old 8th February 2012, 07:30 AM   #12
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Re: The First Few Weeks

Dear Mess..

You get "E" for effort to try to heal that marriage but a trip, a few dinners out and phone conversations won't fix the dynamics there. You need serious help and the husband needs to see his actions regarding the children for what it was..a power play. It was WRONG! He is the winner..she is the loser.

Time will not heal how he reads situations and reacts. He needs some serious confrontation from a trained counselor. I hope the marriage can be saved, but I see a lot of damage has been done to the children here. I think he will hold this affair over this wifes' head and use the event for more leverage and control.

I think he will not change without acknowledging the harm to the kids. I believe he feels he had the right to bring his children into the mix. He did not.
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Old 8th February 2012, 09:04 AM   #13
what a mess
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Re: The First Few Weeks

he should not have told the kids but I do know now it was a kness jerk reaction.
before my husband was the most loving caring man the physical problems are a issue from other thing and he is making positive steps to sort this problem he has visited 2 doctors.

my eldest daughter wrote the letter ubprompted and that is why he went to see him to give him the letter.
the third party actualy said he had the upmos respect for how he had handled the situation. he hasn't at all through any of this got angry with anybody other than himself as he takes the blame for doing this to me. he has been and appologised to my parents who also love my husband
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Old 8th February 2012, 09:32 AM   #14
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Re: The First Few Weeks

Dear Mess...

I know you regret what happened. Maybe your husband sees in the mirror and realizes a woman treated well, doesn't usually go elsewhere. I think a counselor and sort out those physical confrontations when and how that occurred and confront the issues. I hope you can work out your marriage.

I respect that you work outside the home with those young children. I think that he needs to do more toward sharing the workload with the kids for you. Perhaps that was part of the problem, that you did most with them.

I am grateful my husband cooks dinner often and weekend saturday breakfast. He will go to the store and shops better than I, who is more impulse with groceries. He gets exactly the needed items. That help means I have time to paint or sew. When children are as young as yours, there is little time for you.

He had no cooking interest or skills when we married. That surprises me how well he does things. He will make an elaborate gourmet meal and I just cook functional. Maybe you can talk about how your husband can help you.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 8th February 2012 at 06:32 PM.
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Old 8th February 2012, 02:13 PM   #15
Raymond
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Re: The First Few Weeks

I think good things are happening now WM and your husband has realised that you and the marriage need attention.

I think it is a case of moving on together now and putting the past behind you but keeping the lessons learned. He sounds as if he has a lot of good points and hopefully he can get his physical problem sorted.
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