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Old 22nd December 2010, 12:50 PM   #1
tiredandlonely
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What do i do now?

Hi All
Im new here and I’m hoping you guys will be able to give me some help and advice in what is the best way to proceed with my current situation as I feel really alone right now and need people to talk to!
After being together for almost 8 years myself and my hubby got married in July this year, but practically straight afterwards the cracks started appearing. Hubby appeared distant a lot of the time, cold and just not the man I used to know, he went through a rough patch at work and I put it down to it being this that caused the issues.
Then in September I looked through his mobile bill and emails and found that there had been something going off between him and a girl from work (N), he had deleted all trace of everything on his phone and the email account on the PC didn’t show any trace of the messages that had been sent through facebook (I had hacked into the online email account which keeps copies of everything even if deleted from the home PC). On one occasion he went out with his friends from work and whilst drinking in town sent 12 messages to her and had a 20 minute phone conversation, although she had gone out with her husband that night so I don’t know if this was harmless or not. I confronted him about this and he said nothing was going off and she was just a friend, we agreed to try and put it behind us and move on, he deleted her as a friend on facebook and the texts and calls stopped.
Then during November my husband tried to tell me he wasn’t happy and things weren’t working, we had a really emotional night, but at the end of it we agreed once again to put everything behind us, although in the back of my head I still had my suspicions about what was going off, on the Monday morning, 2 days later I let the suspicion creep in and I checked his facebook, there in black and white was a conversation my hubby and N had had the previous night, it went along the lines of:
Hubby: Sorry
N: What for?
H: I couldn’t do it
N: Its your life
H: Our life
N: You have tried 3 times now, who died?
H: I will explain tomorrow
Obviously I went mad when I saw this, left work and went to my mums for coffee and a hug, hubby appeared a couple of hours later with flowers and a hand written letter saying he loved me. In the afternoon I went back to the house to see him and he had then changed his tack saying his head was messed up, he didn’t know what he wanted. With that I left and went back to my mums, we spent 3 nights apart and then decided to make another go of it.
After that I asked him to block N on facebook so they couldn’t contact each other at all, which he did do in front of me, but then the next time he was online I noticed he could see her posts, so he had obviously unblocked her, I asked him then to do the same again but he refused saying he ‘couldn’t see the point’ in doing it, later in the week I then found he had been checking her profile page at 4am when he was getting up for work, which I thought was really odd! On the Saturday we had another discussion and hubby decided things weren’t working and he wanted us to split up, I was devastated, I really thought we had been getting somewhere, things had seemed to be really good between us over the last two weeks apart from the whole N situation.
That was almost 3 weeks ago and we still haven’t sorted things out, hubby has sworn on his parents lives there is nobody else, but this is so out of character for him. He also tells me that he doesn’t love me anymore, but that the wedding day was the best day of his life and he did love me then, he says it was all the little niggly things like forgetting to fill the dishwasher that he bottled up inside along with a couple of bigger issues, being my refusal to get a joint account with him (I am training to be an accountant and he has very bad credit and always forgets to pay bills on time, where my credit is brilliant and I don’t want it damaging) and he says he has wanted a baby for the past 4 years but I keep making him wait due to still studying for my qualification (my hubby is 27 and im 24 so we are still really young also).
I have done a fair bit of text message terrorism I must admit, and I have done all of the normal things a girl in my position would do, beg, plead, bargain, etc, now I understand this was the wrong thing to do, after reading lots of threads on this forum but I guess it’s the natural thing to do.
Anyways, I saw hubby on Monday this week to sign over my pets insurance to him and collect some post and we discussed the idea of a 3 month trial separation, he said he would be willing to try this so we discussed a few of the terms including neither of us will see anybody else in the meantime and we agreed we would get together at the end of March to talk about the future, the only thing that concerns me now is I know since we split hubby and N have become friends on facebook again, and I suspect she will now have his new mobile number, but I don’t want to say anything to hubby about it as I don’t him to lose any trust in me that I will not stick by my word and give our relationship a clean start.
Since I saw him on Monday I haven’t contacted him, its been hard, but im hoping that if I give him a few days, and with xmas being almost upon us that it might just kickstart something in his mind.
I hope there is chance for us, and it seems that he is giving out very mixed signals at the moment, when I was there the other day his hug seemed stronger, the emotion crept out a couple of times such as when he told me to take care of myself, and when I told him to keep in touch. He had dropped some clothes off at the weekend, and when I went round on Monday I expected to see my wardrobe empty, but he had picked outfits out to send to me, likewise he only sent one pair of going out shoes when I have tons of these! Also when he mentioned his car insurance renewal in Jan he said he if it didn’t go up a lot he was going to re-insure me on his car, but then at other times he will talk about legal separation and sorting the rest of my things out.
What do you think is the best thing to do now? Should I just carry on the no contact? Would you suggest sending him a text on Xmas day? I was thinking about putting something along the lines of ‘Merry Xmas, love you xx’ Any advice on what my next steps should be would be greatly appreciated, sorry for all the rambling in the above, think it was just good to get it all off of my chest!
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Old 22nd December 2010, 01:28 PM   #2
chosen
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Re: What do i do now?

Tired and lonely. Its so sad to see another story on here that is so similar to others that are going on at this time. I am so sorry that you are going through this only 5 months after the wedding. Its impossible that in normal circumstances that he could love you enough to committ himself to you for the rest of your lives one month, and yet 3 months later be telling you that he no longer does, and that he is thinking of seperating. I strongly suspect that this other women is the cause. Another emotional affair, maybe more, that is breaking up a marriage.
Facebook is so dangerous, apparently it figures in one third of all divorces in the USA and I am sure the numbers are the same here, and that is without all the other similar sites. However this is a lady who he initially met at work, another danger area for affairs. Every marriage in my family has been destroyed because of affairs with work colleagues. No one had boundaries with their interactions with the opposite sex these days, and thus get too close to others.
Another thing that I have noticed happening so much, is that with people who have lived together for years very happily, get married, and then it all falls apart. I am not sure why this is, maybe it is because one spouse cant bear the thought of being committed,and maybe panics and feels trapped?I dont know, but it does happen a lot.

Tired and lonely, what I would recommed is that you both committ to seeing a counsellor together over a long period to work on all of this, maybe someone from relate. A marriage of only a few months can surely be saved with the right help to set clear boundaries and to help you both find a way forward. I wouldnt wait 4 months, but ring relate now and ask to be put on the waiting list. (IF they have a waiting list). Then ask him to come to counselling with you and see what he says.
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Old 22nd December 2010, 02:17 PM   #3
tiredandlonely
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Re: What do i do now?

Ive suggested counselling to him, before and after we split, and he point blank refuses to go, doesnt help that every time it gets mentioned his mum and dad get involved and tell him counselling is rubbish!

so unfortunately i have to do this one on my own, its just so hard because i dont really have a lot of experience in this area, we have never split up in the 8 years we have been together and i got with my hubby at 16 so no real boyfriends before that time.
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Old 22nd December 2010, 03:38 PM   #4
chosen
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Re: What do i do now?

So dont his parents want the marriage to last then? Sounds like he may be too easily influenced by his parents.
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Old 22nd December 2010, 04:24 PM   #5
tiredandlonely
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Re: What do i do now?

His parents never wanted us together, they tried for the whole relationship (until we got married) to break us up, Hubby is an only child and was quite poorly as a baby so his parents seem to not want him to let go of the apron strings, that said his parents have told him that he has made the "biggest mistake of his life" ending our marriage. They have been absolutely fantastic with me, offering words of hope, talking to hubby to see if he tells her anything, but they are as much in the dark as i am really, his mum just keeps saying "i cant believe this is happening, its like a dream".

Its just that when i raise the issue of counselling the automatic response i get from any of them is "no it wont work"?????

T&L xxx
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Old 22nd December 2010, 08:45 PM   #6
chosen
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Re: What do i do now?

If he refuses counselling, and wont stop this close friendship/affair, then I am not sure what you can do. It sounds to me as if she was on the scene when you married, or within a week or two afterwards, and he is actually acting very badly and playing with fire.
Also he isnt sticking to his agreement if he is again contacting her on facebook etc.

Personally I dont think that seperating is usually a good idea, unless there is serious abuse or an affair, as it sometimes just makes the gap between the spouses even worse, and often leads to a divorce. Maybe think again about that, and maybe go back?

If a person who was previously happy in the marriage suddenly isnt, there is nearly always another person around. Unless he stops seeing and contacting her, then all you can do is act with dignity and do all that you can to make the marriage work youself. In the end it is his decision as to whether he does the right thing or the wrong one. He made promises to you only 5 months ago to forsake all others, and already he is breaking them. What sort of morals has he got? The fact that he refuses to get any help isnt good really, but there is always hope. Why is he talking about legal sepreration if this is just supposed to be a trial seperation anyway?
If I were you I would move back in to your own home, (and why did you have to be the one to leave anyway?),and stop letting him act like a single man. Live as a married couple. By agreeing to move out, you have made it too easy for him to carry on the way that he wants to. He is your husband and needs to remember that. He is not free to be with another woman. The messages that you quoted on facebook sound as if he has been planning to leave you for her, so dont make it easy for him.
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Old 22nd December 2010, 09:13 PM   #7
tiredandlonely
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Re: What do i do now?

I was the one to move out as the morgage is in his name only, and i couldnt afford to pay the bills on my own when that time came. I tried to go back but he just didnt want me there, even in the spare room, i guess i didnt want to push the situation becasue i didnt want to make it worse.

I really dont know what to make of the situation wih him and N because I know they arent seeing each other now as she has moved jobs and he has to deal wih our dogs on his on around shift work so he doesnt get much time to himself.

Cant remember metioning legal separation but then again my mind is frazzled at the mo, but nothing legal has been done yet, i agreed to transfer all bills to him as thats what he wanted, i hope it makes him realise that 2 is better than one, although i dont want it to be the only reason we get back together

Just think its going to take some hard work and perseverence but I hope my marriage is salvageable!

Last edited by tiredandlonely; 22nd December 2010 at 09:20 PM. Reason: add more info
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Old 23rd December 2010, 12:39 PM   #8
KatieK
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Re: What do i do now?

Hi Tired and Lonely. I don't really have any advice for you but as you may have seen on my thread, I am going through something quite similar at the moment. I really feel for you, especially at this time of year. It does sound to me that he is unsure in his own mind about whether he is doing the right thing. I don't know whether it might be a good idea to suggest doing something for Christmas, as it would have been your first Christmas together as a married couple. Maybe just a brief meet-up. Reading the facebook exchange above, maybe he has been confiding in his this woman with his doubts about your marriage, and for some reason she has been encouraging him to leave you, but not necessarily so they can be together. I think when he says 'our life' he means you and him, and they do not refer to themselves as 'us' so that looks hopeful in that he is probably not having an affair with her.

I really hope things work out for you.

Katie
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Old 23rd December 2010, 01:46 PM   #9
tiredandlonely
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Re: What do i do now?

Well i've kept my promise to myself and this is the 3rd day of no contact with him, i havent updated my status on facebook or commented on anyone elses since that time as i want him to wonder if im ok, what im doing with myself, that sort of thing. The thing is though its killing me, i just want to hear his voice!

It doesnt help that since we split up the first time round i havent been eating properly either, in 3 weeks ive lost 1st in weight, im only a size 10 as it is! But I just find that unless im really in the mood to eat i just pick at food and then leave it, i seem to be living on coffee and ciggies, i want to eat, and i know i should, but i just get this sicky feeling in my stomach and then i go off food, ive never done this before so i am quite concerned about it!

That might be a good idea about meeting up at some point over xmas, his mum did say she was going to ask him if it was ok for me to go to hers xmas day evening, but i dont know what H will say to it.

I was thinking about the whole thing last night and i just think i need to sit down with him and tell him that if he stays away from N and re-assesses our relationship he will see that nothing went wrong after we got married it was just that she appeared to get into his head and made him believe that the best thing was to be on his own, but im not sure how he will react to this.

T&L xx
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Old 23rd December 2010, 02:07 PM   #10
chosen
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Re: What do i do now?

I think that the not eating thing is normal for someone who is going through what you are. I have a friend who has been through her own marriage break up and she is now so skinny, and like you, she was only slim before. Others eat too much(comfort eating) so it does depend on the type of person that you are.Why not get some of those nutritious milk shake type drinks that have lots of vitamins and minerals in them if you dont feel hungry.

If it is easier, why not write down all of your feelings in a letter for him?
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Old 23rd December 2010, 03:49 PM   #11
tiredandlonely
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Re: What do i do now?

I would love to write down exactly how im feeling and send him a letter expressing all of this, but im scared i will say the wrong thing and end up pushing him away more. But then again he has always responded well to handwritten letters in the past, may have to give it a go tonight, will probably take me about 10 attempts though. Any ideas what sort of thing i should / shouldnt say?

T&L xx
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Old 23rd December 2010, 11:42 PM   #12
Forever
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Re: What do i do now?

Hmmm. Writing the letter is a great idea, I would say something like this:

My dearest husband,
I want to let you know that you are in my thoughts and heart always. I have never been uncertain about my love and commitment to you. I was planning to live out the rest of our lives together. I am not perfect, but my love was strong, my heart was happy, and I was so sure that you were the one that I loved.

But that is who I am.

Who are you? What has happened? Have you been bewitched by dark thoughts, or have you allowed someone to creep into our love?

Fight for our love my darling. Dont let the darkness win. Dont let that darkness take my heart too.

Forever,




Keep it short, sweet and to the point. Men will fall asleep and lose the point by verbosity. Do you pray to the Lord? If so, you are already fasting it seems, so add prayer to that. This is a spiritual battle of influences against your husband, who is the weaker one right now. Dont grovel, this is his battle, not yours. Your part is to be loving, kind, and patient. Write it, dont text it, and then go eat.

Last edited by Forever; 24th December 2010 at 03:42 AM.
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Old 24th December 2010, 09:33 AM   #13
tiredandlonely
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Re: What do i do now?

Im going to text him tomorrow morning and say "merry xmas darling, love you xx" lets hope i get a response!

Then hopefully i will see him at his parents later in the day, i will give him the letter then and tell him to read it when he is alone.

Also, when i was there on Monday he had been writing xmas cards and i said something along the lines of so im not even going to get a Christmas card this year then am i? and he said i never said that, so will see what i get (hopefully one to my wife - that would be great!)

Sorry if this doesnt make sense, im writing it at work, while i should be working, oops!!!
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Old 24th December 2010, 09:36 AM   #14
chosen
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Re: What do i do now?

tiredandlonely
I hope that it goes well for you and that you have a good Christmas despite everything.
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Old 24th December 2010, 02:57 PM   #15
tiredandlonely
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Re: What do i do now?

I spoke to H today, and asked him if he fancied doing something over Xmas, he said he couldn't see the point in that :-(. I told him that I loved him and missed him but I thought the break would be good for us. He still agrees with a 3 month break as he says it will help him to assess his feelings. He also said he missed me, but when I told him I loved him he just said I know.

Just hope when he reads the letter I have written for him it makes him think what he is doing to us both.

I had a message on facebook from N's husband (they have only been separated 3 months) asking if me and H had split us so I asked him why he wanted to know, he just said that he had heard it but didn't believe it. So to ensure I wasn't accused of saying stuff to N's husband again I emailed N telling her what was said and told her about our 3 month break, she said she was "glad we were taking steps to sort our marriage out" so now I think maybe the connection that H and her has been broken, what would you think?

T&L xx
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