Jealous or guilty concious?

Hi, My husband and i have been together for 19 years, married for 15. He has always been a bit of the jealous type. Renently, I re-connected with my best friend of 26 years. ( I chose not to bother with her because of him) My friend would often ask me to do things with her and her children our daughters are the same ages. I would always tell her no, and make up some sort of excuse as to why I could not go. It was easier for me to make up a lie to tell my friend than to go with her and get the slient treatment for about a week, get accused of cheating, and doing god knows what else. So.. needless to say this has happened with many of my friends throughout the years. I should mention that about 6 months after we were married I found out he was having an affair.. yes with one of my friends (she drove me to our wedding and her daughter was my flower girl)
The time frame of the affair was sometime amybe as long as 1 year before we were married up until about 6-8 months after. He lied and siad we were just friends..blah..blah..blah.. I knew in my gut he was lying to me! But, I love him and I beleived in our marriage. I ended up in the hospital with a nervous breakdown because of the affair. He was the only person in this entire world who I ever let my guard down with. It still stings to this very day! MY entire world my foundation was shaken. I didn't leave I stayed. I chose my marriage and he did as well. He would never admit to me what he had done NEVER! That is until last July he finally came clean about it, and like a man he admitted it to me. I suppose he needed to get it off of his chest. I forgave him. Yes, I did. I love him so very much, the thought of being without him makes it dufficult for me to breathe. I have made many choices in my life that I regret, 1st is letting friends go and not even giving them an explanation. I just dismissed the friendship! Now that my Best friend and I have reconnected, we plan on doing things together this summer. I drove to her house for the weekend a 4 1/2 hour drive from w here I live. Just for a girls weekend, something I have NEVER done! NEVER! My husband was FURIOUS! He was acting like someone who had lost his darn mind! He had my daughter mad at me as well. My daughter is 17 yrs. old. Checking my suitcase to see what I was packing, he did this several times. While I was visiting my friend he kept calling me and texting me asking what I was doing, who I was screwing, he went on and on and on with the accusations and just plain inappropiate behavior! I never let my friend know that he was acting like a child, although she could tell. She could tell i was just at the end of my rope with this situation! My husband is ALWAYS saying smarta** or making references to me about cheating on him. WHEN THE TRUTH IS I HAVE NEVER STEPPED OUTSIDE OF OUR MARRIAGE!!! I have had the opportunity. My marriage is more important to me. I remember that gutwrenching feeling I had when I found out he was cheating, and I swore i would never enflict that pain on some one I promised to love, honor, and cherish. My husband has realized he has a "problem" and he swears he's gonna get help for it. He has gone to therapy 1 time. However, I am completly at a loss on what to do about this situation. It has been years and years of him accusing me of cheating. He is always "poking" me emotionally and mentally. I have brought this to his attention several times over the years. Somewhere along the way I have lost myself! He has emotionally and mentally beat me down. I would prefer he just physically beat the hell out of me, the beating will end in a few minutes and it's over. This mindfu** that he has become so darn good at, will last forever!
In some crazy sort of way i feel responsible for letting this to happen. I allowed him to do this to me! To do this to US!I don't have a social life, I work fulltime and go home. Again he keeps "poking" and you can oly poke someone for so long, , then they start poking back! Problem is, I am so emotionally and mentally numb I just let it roll off my back! What should I do? Please help!

[Raymond]

That is awful NB. Why is he so suspicious when you have been so faithful? You should have kept up with your special friends. My wife has a few and she goes to stay with them often. They appreciate her so much and thank me for lending her to them. Marriage isn't about cancelling good friendships unless they are questionable with the oppostite sex of course.

He obviously has a big problem. I would be inclined to say yes I have been having an affair just to show how rediculous it is. He has to get a grip on his insecurity. I think you should see your friends. Perhaps you are insecure as well to allow yourself to be browbeaten by all this?

Raymond

Dear Needs2breathe...

You are right to be nervous and upset at this behavior by your spouse. You have made a NUMBER of serious mistakes in your marriage to this man. You cut off friends and somehow you may believe that the suspicions and accusations means he loves you. It is not a sign of LOVE, it is simply bullying abusive behavior and one of the first ways to belittle a person is to chip away at their network of supportive other people. He makes a child of you. You are solely dependent on him. He is saying that you can not be trusted out of his sight or that you have such weak morals that you would cheat on him if you are out of sight. You bought into that whole idea by allowing him to isolate you.

Please BEWARE this man shows dangerous behavior. You are wrong to say he is acting like a CHILD. That is not childish behavior, it is dangerous pathological imaging and can signal he is capable to hurt you. You should NOT have made your break from his control by going for a weekend. That is more like declaring war than it was to go see the friend.

The first step to get insight on this sad relationship would be counselling together. Because he cheated and you never really forgave him.....he thinks you will do the same. The whole thing of this sexual control is entirely a way to dominate and make you feel incapable. Men do this before going to the next step of possible physical violence. Has he ever hit you or threatened you physically?

You will need to keep a cool head and state your case without losing your temper. Join a weekly ladies group, sewing circle, church group or go out to weekly meetings. Do NOT got to clubs, bars or hanging out in questionable places. Get some autonomy as a woman. What he did before was WRONG but it was yesterday and many years behind. Forge some better memories with him. He is insecure and acting like a thug and a bully. Perhpas with counselling you can still make a working marriage with work and patience. Then go visit the friend. Is your intimate relationship so hot he thinks you are out there looking?

I understand such demeaning accusations can make one mad to the point they say," Well, I will show him." Don't escalate the problems with that thinking. Don't throw in the towel on this long term marriage without work in this area. It can be salvaged with
some careful work in this area. Good luck.