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Old 29th May 2009, 09:15 AM   #1
Karen100
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what do I do for the best?

I'm having marriage counselling. My husband finally decided to come with me after 2 sessions but im pleased.
our marriage is a great friendship but there is no emotional support. My husband doesnt talk feelings and to be honest i dont really know him after 21 years. Any disagreements we've had have been brushed under the carpet and we've never discussed them at all and now i am at exploding point.

Since I've been going to relate i've started to approach him to chat about our relationship. Usually he gives an excuse not to talk or we start arguing. we've spoken twice after 10-15 tries which is good as we've chatted well but we have just skirted the issues. I've had 3 serious incidents in my life and he has not been 'there' for me. He now recognises that but it just says what our relationship has been all about.

I've been having an emotional affair and my husband knows pretty much all of it. But he is so blase about it. He has got angry once when i've been out with him all day but thats it. You can see he's irritated by it - sometimes. My emotional affair is feeding my cravings that are lacking in my marriage and i feel i have a connection/chemistry with my friend that i feel strongly about which is not present in my marriage. I cannot lose this friendship with him.

I really feel my husband does not care about me at all. My feelings have always been overlooked and i am mentally exhausted by it all. I do suffer from bipolar disorder (manic depression) which i'm being treated for.

My marriage counsellor has said that the old relationship was not working. I really dont think i can funadamentally change someone who is not emotionally available/supportive and hides his inner feelings. Other than that he IS a good person and we are good friends, i feel/felt....
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Old 29th May 2009, 09:18 PM   #2
JWD
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Re: what do I do for the best?

In my opinion your marriage doesn't stand a chance while you continue your emotional affair. I understand your need for it but that is where problems arise - the need for this 'friendship'

I don't think you can change someone either, most of the advice is to change yourself and by that I took it to mean change yourself to accept the other persons faults and try and work a way around it not becoming a bone of contention. In your case you would need to change how you feel about not getting the support from your husband that you feel you should get.

Has something happened after 21 years for you to turn to your emotional affair?

Take care
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Old 29th May 2009, 09:53 PM   #3
Karen100
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Re: what do I do for the best?

I really feel life is too short and at the end of the day we all have choices. Fortunately for me I do not have any children but why is the ea that is giving me friendship and emotional support and more a 'no go area'. For once I have found someone that i have a connection/chemistry with that i do not have with my husband after 21 years and i've changed as a person over the years and now know what I want out of a relationship !

I come from a family that did show their emotions and feelings. Why have I to change to accept my husbands lack of emotion and feelings.

I read a marriage counselling book and it said that how you talk about your emotional matters is a guide to the state of your relationship. Well i'm afraid that has been non existent. The marriage counselling book was by relate.

I also suffer from manic depression late in life so my doctors say. Perhaps all this pent up emotion could have caused this?

I'm sorry i have to agree to disagree with your reply.
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Old 29th May 2009, 10:41 PM   #4
dave123
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Re: what do I do for the best?

Hi Karen,

Sorry you're having this difficult time, and i guess 21 years is a long time if you have been disappointed all the way through?

You sound like you have made your mind up to go, but also still want to talk with your husband, and go to counseling together. This can't be helping you or the other people involved in these two separate relationships. One of them has a future and you need to commit to one of them, and leave the other behind. I hope for your husbands sake you at least stay and try to use your new behaviours from counseling to make it work. I don't know enough about either of you to really comment but him not being there for these 3 events, are there things that are important to him that have gone by the wayside because of your actions?

I hope either way you end up happy and fulfilled, because you deserve it. We all do.

Take care,

Dave
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Old 29th May 2009, 10:52 PM   #5
JWD
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Re: what do I do for the best?

I didn't mean to offend you and I'm fully aware that I could be talking rubbish and I would hate anyone to act on any advice I give. I meant only as an opinion.

I thought because you were attending marriage counselling that you wanted to save your marriage therefore I felt that being emotionally involved with someone else wasn't going to help at all.

By changing you I meant if your husband wasn't going to become the person you want him to be i.e. emotionally there for you and if you wanted to save your marriage then you would have to change to accept that you're not going to get the emotional support from him. Do you know what I mean? I'm not making a very good job of this, sorry.

no problem disagreeing :-)
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Old 30th May 2009, 06:00 AM   #6
Karen100
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Re: what do I do for the best?

That's ok, jwd. I feel its good to hear a wide spectrum of replies to see the whole picture rather than a blinkered view. So I'm all for differing views.

Thanks for your opinion, its as appreciated as all the others
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Old 31st May 2009, 02:37 PM   #7
Mit1587
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Re: what do I do for the best?

Hi Karen,

As someone who's wife has just left them for another person I strongly advise you to walk away from your ea and sit your husband down and talk to him. Let him know how you feel, your thoughts about your relationship and feelings towards the om. I think that if your husband doesn't change or make an effort and you stay with him then you will always seek emotional gratification somewhere else. This will inevitably lead to a full blown affair, which is obvious you don't want.

If he does try to change then great, bear in mind that this will be a slow difficult process but the trying is what counts. However; if he doesn't or doesn't even try to then I truly believe that he's not the one for you. 21 years is a long time but living with these feelings are not going to help you.

I had my first relate session yesterday with my wife and it has taken her affair and the fact she now wants to be with the om for her to get my attention and for me do everything I can to make her happy.
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Old 31st May 2009, 03:33 PM   #8
Karen100
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Re: what do I do for the best?

Thanks for your sound advice, mit1587. He understands we have become complacent in later years but i'm sure the emotional support has never been there for me in the whole time. I so want it. You're right i will look for it elsewhere if i stay and thats not fair on him unless he can change emotionally. He knows he has to change but he's not sure how and he's so laid back he'd let it all happen rather than deal with it. Thats the type of guy he is. We have had 5 sessions so far of relate but getting to talk relationships is so difficult STILL. The only constructive conversation we have had is how we will work out the housing arrangements if i should leave !! Not because he wants me to leave coz i know he wants me to stay. He just doesnt know what to do to keep me. He cannot talk feelings/emotions. He bottles them.

I have to do something radical to get him to open up and i've thought of leaving and renting a place for 6 months. He looked upset for once but is accepting it like usual. He is a lovely person in a whole lot of other ways and i hate to talk like this of him but i just wish he'd have opened up a long time ago and supported me like i've tried to support him.

I wish you all the luck with relate. I do look forward to relate every week, its my only chance to talk. You sound like a good person and am glad you are doing all you can to make her happy.
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Old 3rd June 2009, 08:13 PM   #9
Jackie-Jhonson
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Re: what do I do for the best?

It looks like there is a big lack of emotions and any excitement in your marriage. What did you try to do to fix it? Did you think how you can do something nice and exciting for your husband to make his day happier? Buy 2 tickes to a baseball game, bake him his favorite cake with your both names on in. You know your husband better then me so you'll know exactly what to do! Good luck!
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