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Old 24th May 2016, 04:24 PM   #1
TJW
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What do you do when it just isn't "worth it"?

Everything has a cost, and a benefit. That is, except marriage.

The cost is enormous and the benefit is bupkis.

You work yourself to death, obey all the "rules", take your shoes off at the door, don't leave any dishes in the sink, watch TV with the lights on, live where she wants to live, go where she wants to go, do what she wants to do.

You endure her family for hours on end, the grandkids sleeping over, driving hundreds of miles to see them.

You get up at 4:30 AM and go to work, only to have her come home at 7:30 PM after stopping to see her girl friend or going shopping, have dinner ready for her, keeping it warm since 5:30 when she told you she'd be home.

Meanwhile, the only thing you ever hear from her is what you do wrong. Nothing, but nothing, you have ever done has met her standard of approval.

I'm at a very dangerous place, here. I am ceasing to care what God says about it, I'm just plain sick to my ass of it.
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Old 25th May 2016, 10:12 AM   #2
Raymond
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Re: What do you do when it just isn't "worth it"?

It sounds like you two need a good talk together but not in the frame of mind you are in I would say. I lead a similar life. I work and my wife is free but she sees herself as a helper to me and makes herself subject to me. On the other hand I love her and do everything to make her life better. She cleans the house and does most of the cooking. She goes to art groups and stuff but she would stop it all if she felt it stopped her input into the marriage.

I think maybe you need to keep boundaries and stand up a bit. If you in all conscience find it difficult to entertain her family say so in a nice way. Perhaps it can be paired down or you can do your own thing a bit when they are here.

My wife likes me to take off my shoes in the house but I keep forgetting sometimes. She is not ordering me just suggesting. I am beginning to see her point although it is a hassle when I am in and out a lot.

I don't think it is a case of obeying her rules. Marriage shouldn't be like that. They can persuade us but we have freewill. If you are doing things begrudgingly then there is something wrong I think. Whilst I believe we should listen to our wives and try to understand them I don't believe we should be under control as that is not what it is about.
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Old 26th May 2016, 02:38 PM   #3
TJW
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Re: What do you do when it just isn't "worth it"?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
I work and my wife is free
I heard that. If I have a "grudge", it's just that. She gets to assign all her own time, set her own schedules, maintain her friendships, do what she wants, etc.

It's not that she "doesn't contribute", it's that she sets the rules about how, how much, and when she contributes, while my only option is 60 hours a week to make the ends meet....at a lifestyle standard which she constantly complains about.

If I "set boundaries", then it will be ME who pays the price of losing our assets. Besides, the only thing I would really like to happen is that we could have sex once a week and spend quality time together ( which means WITHOUT others ).

Quote:
I don't think it is a case of obeying her rules. Marriage shouldn't be like that.
I agree that it "shouldn't be". However, that's the way it IS. I just choose the lesser of the evils.

Last edited by TJW; 27th May 2016 at 11:51 AM.
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Old 27th May 2016, 04:55 PM   #4
Raymond
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Re: What do you do when it just isn't "worth it"?

It sounds difficult to me but don't give up praying for her and your marriage whilst you are sorting it.

With regard to sex I assume you are christians and the first few verses of 1 Cor 7 says you have power over her body and she has over yours. Does she see that? Sex is really important.

Have you communicated to her all the problems you feel? If you haven't you need to do that, not in the sense of accusing her, but just telling her what you feel. If she wants to work on the marriage she will listen to you. She appears to be looking after her relations at the cost of the marriage somehow. Hopefully this is just inadvertanty and not on purpose
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Old 30th May 2016, 12:03 PM   #5
TJW
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Re: What do you do when it just isn't "worth it"?

Quote:
Does she see that? Sex is really important.
If she wants to work on the marriage she will listen to you.
Yes, it seems that it is important to me, but not to her. I have expressed it to her in every way imaginable, but there's no interest on her part to have anything change.

I think she's content with the way things are. Her children and her family-of-origin are a lot MORE important to her than me.

Honestly, she has very little regard for my needs at all.
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Old 30th May 2016, 07:10 PM   #6
Raymond
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Re: What do you do when it just isn't "worth it"?

The scripture makes obvious provision for sex within a marriage but if we see our spouse isn't behaving according to scripture we cannot really preach at them. We have to seek God ourselves and believe it is Him who meets our needs as He has promised that. I know it is difficult but when we are looking to our spouses to meet all our needs something goes wrong. We can be putting our trust in them and not in God.

I don't know of any tools to make your wife behave in the way that you want her to but I do know that if we keep Godly in the situation God does work it out somehow. We cannot always see it in the natural but prayer does change things. There have been many marriages where the wife has been awakened, even sexually, within marriage where the husband has not abandoned his faith. Right responses can open the windows of heaven. Keep loving her when you have opportunity. Jesus said love your enemies and I have had to actually use this scripture early on in my marriage as I was left with no choice but to quit. But if we don't quit we will win.
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