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Old 18th June 2014, 03:11 PM   #1
Rayne
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Not in love with me.

My wife told me three weeks ago that she is not in love with me. We have been together since my senior year of high school almost ten years ago. We have been married for 6 years and have two kids. I was completely devastated when she told me the first week and a half was like grieving fro someone you love that has died. I even went to the e.r. and they prescribed an anti-anxiety pill which i only had enough for a few days.

Now let me tell you why she has come to this decision. Six and a half years ago my first born came to us. I was not ready for kids. I got jealous of the boy and the attention my wife gave him. She has even admitted that at the time she basically forgot about me. I have cerebral palsy in my hands and arms it makes me shake and my left arm tenses up a lot. This has made it difficult job wise to this day. I gave up and became depressed, i never got any help, She got better and gave equal attention but I never got better. I have always had mood swings and anger issues since middle school. They only became heightened. I ignored my family most the time and played games and watched movies to escape reality. All of this has built up in her over the years. Until finally she broke.

After talking with a counselor at the e.r., I have a preliminary diagnosis of bipolar disorder. Next week I am going to see a specialist to confirm. If I do have this disorder I know that they can help me to be a better person.

I have taken strides of my own to be better i spend far less time on the computer and spend way more time with my kids playing and teaching them. They are slowly getting used to their new and improved Dad. My wife and i are still living together and sleep in the same bed. Heck we even still have sex. I know sounds weird right but needs are needs. However, we took off our rings and set them in her jewelry box. She says she still has some hope but doesn't want to wear them unless she can fully say she love me. Which she stopped saying to me altogether. Right now we are like friends with benefits, but I want more.

I have recently focused on her too much and tend to ask her what shes thinking all the time. She has taken to texting a guy she met on her school website, just to have someone to listen to her which I have confirmed on my own that there isn't anything going on there hes in a different state with a wife and two kids. They talk about their day and their families around once or twice a week. Do not get me wrong I'm upset about it because I know that can be how it starts, but I'm going to go with the flow for now. She told me she started talking to him because he would listen and I wasn't which is true. I am listening now and she said its strange after 6 years of not doing it. She doesn't want me to stop but she says i am not giving her enough space she says right now she feels like she has to explain herself just to go to the bathroom. I know that's not a good feeling and i'll end up pushing her further away.

For now I'm going to back off and find a middle ground and let her come to me when she wants to talk. There is evidence that she wants it to work out and i have till the end of the year to grow those feelings and fix myself due to the lease we signed. I'm just afraid to screw things up.
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Old 18th June 2014, 03:40 PM   #2
chosen
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Re: Not in love with me.

I would recommend some marriage counselling for you both, and also she needs to stop texting that man. If she needs someone to talk to then she must have a female friend or a family member? Apart from anything its not fair on the other mans wife who probably knows nothing about it, and it wont help your marriage either.
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Old 18th June 2014, 03:48 PM   #3
Rayne
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Re: Not in love with me.

She has refused both. She says she doesn't initiate the text, that he does but she doesn't ignore them either. I have told her to stop texting but she said its innocent and wont stop.
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Old 18th June 2014, 08:40 PM   #4
chosen
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Re: Not in love with me.

Well its not innocent of course she is far too emotionally attached to this man. Why wont she go to marriage counselling if she still has hope?
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Old 18th June 2014, 09:50 PM   #5
ronnoco
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Re: Not in love with me.

Hello Rayne,

It sounds like your wife's speech has given you the wake up call you needed to fix the things that weren't right in your marriage.

The problem is, the damage has been done and there is no instant fix. You can't fix what may have been underlying problem for years in just a couple of weeks. You need to win her over, regain the romance, the love, etc. I can see you want to do this but I agree that this other man is a huge red flag. He sounds very much like an escape route for your wife. It doesn't matter where in the county he is and what set-up he has, she is definitely emotionally connecting with him and you will have no idea to what extent. Emotional affairs are incredibly dangerous because they can divide the heart into 2. It might not be happening right now but she could start feeling brotherly/best friend" love towards you and lust or infatuation for him. This can only lead to big problems.

The fact that she is not willing to do either the marriage counselling or stop texting is very concerning. I can see why you might be smothering her, I totally get that. You don't want to loose her, it's natural but again, it's not good. She has got to want to stay with you and make it work.

I really hope you can make it work for everyone's sake.
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Old 19th June 2014, 01:40 AM   #6
Rayne
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Re: Not in love with me.

She says she doesn't like to talk to strangers about her problems. I think its a load of bs. It probably wouldn't help anyway. I knew her phone password and its been the same for a long time. She has gone and changed it. Funny thing is i've never snooped but something she said made me want to and now its changed. I'm a bit livid right now. I do not think I trust her anymore.
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Old 19th June 2014, 08:18 AM   #7
Raymond
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Re: Not in love with me.

My take on Rayne it is that you have done well to give attention to the things that lacked.

However there is an anxiousness there which is cramping your style. Some of this might be genuine because of this other fellow. You are right in that this sort of thing can lead to emotional affairs.

If it isn't that though then all you can do is love her in the sense of wanting the best for her. That should sort out all the behaviour problems there are. Love doesn't seek it's own but the other. If some of your behaviour annoys her then stop it. That doesn't mean you withdraw completely. Marriage is a learning curve in relationship.

If however her heart is somehow getting wrapped up in this other relationship with this other fellow then this will hinder things and the normal rules won't work.
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Old 19th June 2014, 09:11 AM   #8
chosen
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Re: Not in love with me.

if she has changed her number then yes, she probably has something to hide. I am wondering if the mans wife knows or can be told, that will hopefully stop this wrong relationship before it gets any more serious.
She appears to be giving mixed messages, saying that all is not lost, and you both still living together, but refusing to have counselling and refusing to stop this relationship.
Maybe you need to ask her whether she wants this marriage to continue or not, and if she wants it to carry on, then that will take work and commitment from both of you. You could even go to counseling on your own of she refuses, but at this time I am not sure she is 100% committed. YOu can only change yourself, she has to be willing to also work on it.
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Old 20th June 2014, 01:05 PM   #9
Rayne
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Re: Not in love with me.

Well I had confronted her about the phone, which didn't go that well. She did unlock it and let me look, but for the life of me I couldn't find the damn post. I said "Did you delete them" and she told me no I'm just not looking right and took back her phone. I was very flustered and may have overlooked it. She said I was acting crazy and she can't handle crazy. If I kept acting this way she would end things now and not let them play out till the lease ends. I admit I was frantic and a bit crazy. She told me she put her pass code in and our son was beside her and said I know it now. He has a habit of trying to play with her phone so that's why she changed it.

I think that I'm going to step back and not view her as my wife for now. She said she wants to at least get back to being friends. Which we were doing good till my freak out in that department. Before you love someone you need to like them and be friends. Therefore I am gonna try to be friends for now and prove I've changed and can be a better father/husband. If its in the cards for us then her feelings will change I suppose.
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Old 20th June 2014, 06:22 PM   #10
Raymond
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Re: Not in love with me.

I don't think you should cringe at her feet waiting for favours. Not treating her as your wife might actually help. Still love her and be helpful but when she needs it not to earn favours. I think she is dominating you a bit and almost calling the shots. Part of you has to face up to it ending in a brave way. Marriage should be more than friends and she just might be using that tack to get advantage.
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Old 20th June 2014, 10:22 PM   #11
chosen
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Re: Not in love with me.

MY husbands ex, even though she was cheating and divorcing him, wanted to still be 'friends' This was for purely selfish reasons so that she could use him as and when she wanted to do stuff for her and pay the mortgage etc. Be aware of that.
As Raymond says, marriage is more than friends. Try and play it cool while doing what you can to change for the better. If she wont stop this other relationship, I cant see how the marriage can work. At some point you may need to make that a condition for the marriage to carry on.
Interesting that she refuses to go to counselling, but is happy to tell everything to another woman's husband . I hope that someone tells the other mans wife.
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Old 23rd June 2014, 08:33 PM   #12
LibraLady
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Re: Not in love with me.

Wow, this sounds like she is stringing you along. Do what works for you. You know yourself better than we do. If you can handle and withstand this emotional roller coaster she has you on, then so be it. But if this situation isnt helping with what you are battling with (bi-polar, anxiety, etc,) you may need to consider other options.......because no matter what happends with your marriage, YOU have to be okay....read this line again...YOU have to be okay.
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Old 28th July 2014, 05:29 PM   #13
Rayne
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Re: Not in love with me.

Just a quick update. It didn''t work out I live on my own now. Now I have to figure out how to do that and regain confidence in order to put myself out there again.
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Old 30th July 2014, 04:53 PM   #14
Raymond
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Re: Not in love with me.

I hope it works out for you Rayne.
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