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Old 5th April 2009, 02:29 AM   #31
rppearso
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Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

Sorry about that I got you mixed up with the OP. I am still curious why the OP's husband slept with a prostitute?

[quote=1aokgal;43671]My husband has never been with a prostitute. That is not the problem.
He had a "no sex" problem with the woman he went with before I met him..30 years ago. She confronted him, and he left (or she wisely left him.)

We had no problems for half the marriage. Then began the long periods without sex which became years. It is not fixable and likely is a preference for MB. He works elsewhere and just flies home when he can. He calls me daily. He is a fine decent man and a good husband in all ways. I know he loves me but it is too late to repair the damage to the marriage.[/quote]
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Old 10th April 2009, 06:47 PM   #32
kyle82
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Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

there are few times where masturbation or self pleasure is what we men, are looking for. but not in addiction or a form of disrespect with the partner. it's unethical to actually masturbate while your partner is right there beside and super horny.
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Old 12th April 2009, 09:21 PM   #33
rppearso
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Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

It is unethical to turn your partner down if THEY are horny, not if you are horny. There should be no reason to EVER masterbate in a relationship. If someone is horny in the relationship and they are turned down and forced to turn to masterbation then things are not going to end well.

[quote=kyle82;43949]there are few times where masturbation or self pleasure is what we men, are looking for. but not in addiction or a form of disrespect with the partner. it's unethical to actually masturbate while your partner is right there beside and super horny.[/quote]
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Old 18th June 2009, 05:12 PM   #34
Totally-Relating
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Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

[QUOTE=ElizStan;40467]I have been married 27 years - and for most of our marriage sex has been sporadic. Over the last 10 years we've probably made love no more than 4 times. We normally go for 2-3 years without sex. My husband has always worked long hours at our business, staying late most nights. He'd use so many excuses over the years - he was too tired, etc.

Earlier in our marriage he would want oral sex (never returning the favor) because he said he was too tired for intercourse. Then I got tired of one-sided sex (he's never ever given me an orgasm or even tried) and stopped jacking him off or giving him oral. When we did have intercourse, he would withdraw after about 5 minutes and want to finish off by hand. I begged for him to use a condom so I could feel him finish inside of me, but he said he didn't like the feel.

18 months ago while going through a credit card statement looking for something I'd charged, I noticed items I didn't recognize. I dug back 5 years and found out that he'd spent AT LEAST $11,000 on porn during that time. I realized that he'd stay at work and masturbate to porn. I left him, but came back to him after he promised to go to counseling. He asked me to be patient with him. He read books on sexual addiction and went to a therapist for about 4 months. He said he did not want to sully our love by bringing that side of him into a relationship. He has cut all sexual feelings for me off because he can only be aroused by porn. We still haven't made love and I have caught him masturbating to porn again after assuring me everything was "better". I am 50 years old and still have very strong sexual feelings - the thought of being in a celibate marriage for the rest of my life fills me with dread. But it's so difficult to break with a man you've loved for 29 years......I don't feel that he will ever change - if my leaving him this year for 6 weeks (he was devastated) was not motivation enough to work on this, I don't know what is. But it's such a hard decision.[/QUOTE]


Wow..You just described what I had been going throw the last 4 years of my marriage. I have been married 10 years. I had been asking my husband over and over what was wrong. He kept telling me nothing. I finally found porn on the computers, and confronted him. Exactly the same exact things you described happened to me, I was ready to leave, couldnt stand not having a sex life, and he always said he was tired, excepted the oral for himself, but never returned anything, or couldnt "arise" for intercourse. He says he has stopped, and things have improved but I dont know if I can trust that this is the end with out some kind of counseling. It is so helpful to hear your story. Thank you so much for posting it.
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Old 18th June 2009, 06:10 PM   #35
Raymond
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Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

It has to be totally cut off TR and any sexual relationship mentally or physically should only be with you, as it should be. It seems he is trying which is more than can be said for some. It is a kind of mental adultery and that is why the affects of it can be devastating.

It will take time for the addiction to loose it's hold and he cannot afford to indulge it for one minute as that can be back to square one in no time. There is no substitute for sexual faithfulness.

These things are massive struggles and many marriages have been wrecked through it. In the USA 50% of all divorces feature porn. I should not think the number is much different in the UK.

I really hope he gets the victory here for both your sakes. He needs to really continue fighting it though until he has mastery over himself.

Raymond
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Old 20th June 2010, 02:06 AM   #36
Jdoc
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Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

Masturbation is a completely natural thing. Most people start doing it in the first few months of life and do not stop (in one form or another) until they are dead. Porn and erotic entertainment has been a part of society since we first stared painting on cave walls. It might be good to remember that only hearing such a small anecdote about your marital situation, one could come up with countless reasons why he might be masturbating instead of approaching you for sex. With that said, what’s going on with your husband isn’t normal and may require professional help. Withdrawal and masturbation to ‘finish’ is something people engage in, but not to the exclusion of other acts. I’m mostly concerned with the covering of his face during orgasm. It speaks to some serious issues.
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Old 30th August 2010, 05:34 AM   #37
chosen
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Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

[QUOTE=Jdoc;55422]Masturbation is a completely natural thing. Most people start doing it in the first few months of life and do not stop (in one form or another) until they are dead. Porn and erotic entertainment has been a part of society since we first stared painting on cave walls. It might be good to remember that only hearing such a small anecdote about your marital situation, one could come up with countless reasons why he might be masturbating instead of approaching you for sex. With that said, what’s going on with your husband isn’t normal and may require professional help. Withdrawal and masturbation to ‘finish’ is something people engage in, but not to the exclusion of other acts. I’m mostly concerned with the covering of his face during orgasm. It speaks to some serious issues.[/QUOTE]

It maybe something that has been done since man was made, but that doesnt make it right. Most MB is done with porn and porn use is deadly for the person doing it, the spouse and the marriage.If my husband was doing this I would give him an ultimuatum, the porn or me. From what some women have said, when men think they will loose their wives and kids, its amazing how many are actually able to stop.If the wife puts up with it he has no reason to try. it is definetly unfaithfullness, but with many many women and not just one.
It is an incredibly selfish act that excludes the wife, and the intimacy in the marriage is lost, and that is so important.
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Old 30th August 2010, 09:11 AM   #38
Raymond
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Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

Also on the question of MB. It's what is going on in your mind that is the crucial thing. If ones mind is full of lust with images of the opposite sex then the mind is dwelling on those and in that case it is another version of mental adultery.

Raymond
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Old 30th August 2010, 11:15 AM   #39
chosen
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Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

Definately Raymond. If I thought my husband was fantasizing about loads of other women he had seen on the internet when we were having sex I would be devastated. It really is bringing many other women into the marriage bed which is supposed to be kept pure.Its very very sad that so many are into this destructive habit that hurts their spouse so much.
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Old 31st August 2010, 08:25 AM   #40
Raymond
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Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

We think alike on that subject Chosen.

Raymond
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Old 6th November 2010, 08:03 PM   #41
chosen
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Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

Sweetums why on earth should or would a wife want to have sex with a man who has got aroused by looking at porn? Porn is unfaithfullness. The images dont go away, the man is probably thinking about them when he has sex with his wife. Porn and masturbation is totally selfish, out to satisfy yourself with no thought at all of anyone else. Sex with another person is giving as well as taking. Giving and receiving love and pleasure. It is satisfying and good and brings the married couple closer. Bringing in porn, lust, masturbation etc drives them apart and makes sex wrong and damaging. It distorts it from what it is meant to be.

The man needs to concentrate 100% on his own wife,on her body, her emotions and the two of them together. He should be aroused by her and her alone. No one else should be included in anyway, whether is is by looking at mags, looking at porn on the internet, or watching a porn movie. Yes he will get aroused by that, but not by the one person that he needs to be loving and respecting. To watch naked women, and then expect your wife to have sex because these other women have made you horny is incredibly cruel and unloving. There is no way that I would ever accept that in my own marriage, and fortunately my husband would never treat me like that.

God is amazingly wise when it comes to sex. After all, he invented it, One passage in the Bible says "be faithful to the wife of your youth. Let her breasts satisfy you at ALL times". Not other womens breasts, but HERS.

Last edited by chosen; 6th November 2010 at 08:32 PM.
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Old 6th November 2010, 09:37 PM   #42
Raymond
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Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

I agree with that.

Swetums is saying it is alright if you don't ejaculate. Is he saying that one can have erections over other woman's bodies and antics so long as you don't E? I think the damage has been done already when you have been looking at it and lusting. There is a sexual drive there and it is going towards the images and not to one's wife. This is a mental adultery in the heart surely? Sex is more than physical I believe. It is spiritual as well. There is something behind it that can make one an addict. Some men won't touch their wives because of it as their heart has gone to others in the sexual arena. The more you give to porn the more it will destroy your marriage.

Drink water from your own well - share your love only with your wife. Why spill the water of your springs in public, having sex with just anyone? (mentally?) You should reserve it for yourselves. don't share it with strangers. Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice with the wife of your youth. She is a loving doe, a graceful deer. Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be intoxicated with her love. Why be captivated my son with an immoral woman, or embrace the breasts of an adulterous woman. Proverbs 5: 15/20

Last edited by Raymond; 6th November 2010 at 09:44 PM.
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Old 12th January 2011, 07:09 AM   #43
newlywed09
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Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

It is so good to read that I am not the only one going through this. Me and my husband were married in 2009 and recently celebrated our one year anniversary. We have talked about that fact that I believe that watching porn is cheating and that if I found out he was watching it that it would be grounds for divorce. I also believe that MB should not be going on AT ALL because in marriage that is how it should be. When me and my husband first married we talked about MB and porn and said he had never done neither and never would. I believed him and we talked about it some more but not a lot.

A few days ago ... Well me and my husband usually wake up at the same time in the morning and we both shower then get ready and leave together. But this particular morning I was going to sleep in a little and he was getting up to take a shower. I then thought I might as well get up. I went into the bathroom and went to open the shower curtain to say something to my husband and I caught him MB. I was so shocked that I just walked out and went back to bed. My husband comes in about 10 min later and asks me why I'm not getting ready. I told him I was going to leave a little later than him. He kept asking me what was wrong. I told him nothing because I didn't feel like talking about it just then. He then left for work and I got ready to leave. When I got to work he text me and asked me what was wrong this morning and I told him that he lied about that stuff that we had talked about. I then asked him about watching porn and he said that he did it all the time and he was sorry and wants to change. He said he has had a problem with it for a while and tried to stop when we got married but couldn't. I believe that if you want ed to you could stop. I also feel like this could lead to more things like actual cheating. So I'm not sure if I wanna stay. I feel so betrayed because of him lying to me. And he looked at porn which I told him I would divorce over. So I don't know what to do now ........
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Old 12th January 2011, 11:56 AM   #44
chosen
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Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

Goodness I am so sorry you must be very upset.Probably the worst thing in my mind is that he lied about the fact that he never did it before you married. So you sort of married under false pretenses. That was very wrong of him.
If he really wants to stop there are all sort of computer blockers that can be installed to stop access to these sites. The computer can be put in a central location in the house so that he cannot hide it.
If he is prepared to stop then are you willing to stay? You could tell him that, but that it must stop or you will seperate, and if he agrees to stop, you can work on this together. Maybe counselling may help, and also putting in place some of the blocking programmes.
I know women who have said its the porn or me, and sometimes that works. Sometimes men wont stop until they HAVE to and are going to loose their families. Maybe the shock of your hurt and reaction today will be anough to show him that he has to stop before it gets any worse.
You two need to talk this out.
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Old 13th January 2011, 07:09 PM   #45
Raymond
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Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

I agree with Chosen. He seems to have the images in his mind judging by his actions. Yes he should have confessed it before you were married, especially as you specifically brought it up.

I think porn can be grounds for divorce but only when the husband is not even trying to stop. Most of it will be from the computer and he needs to co-operate with you regarding what Chosen suggested. It definitely does not go with marriage as all intimacy should be between the husband and wife alone. I would imagine he has a level of addiction by the sound of it so he really needs to mean business.

I feel for you as you have only been married for a year or so and this has been going on from before the marriage. Perhaps getting him to read some of the threads on here will open his eyes as to what is happening.

Well done for confronting him as that is exactly what you need to do. I think you are right in that it could get worse if he doesn't stop and could lead to other things. You need time now as to what you plan to do.
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