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Old 28th April 2004, 10:23 PM   #1
mimi2004
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Prayer for new marriage....

Hi all,

I recently posted on the marriage board...and then found there is a community of believers on this web-site...thank you! I am need of prayer...I am a newlywed and am having doubts about God's will for my life. My husband and I are both believers--we married in a Chrisitan church...I am in need of God's peace in knowing His will for my life...here's what I posted in the "marriage help" section of this web-site...I am in need of prayer for the condition of my heart towards my husband....

I am a newlywed...under a year...and I feel that I may have made the wrong decision....I love my husband...he's a great man...he provides for me, supports me...we are great friends....I am just disappointed that I don't feel more sparks and passion between us. We have known each other for several years and dated for almost 2 years. I married this man because I knew he would make a great husband and our values/goals in line were in synch. We also had an incredible friendship...love adventure and travel and we can communicate--he is a great communicator--and we seem to "get along" But, I feel that maybe there may have been someone out there who I would have had more passion for...more attracted to (the attraction for my husband goes up and down all the time)...I was "in love" with a couple of my ex boyfriends--but one wasn't of the same religious belief...and the other didn't love me enough to marry me and married someone else. I keep thinking...if maybe I had married these other two guys...my life would be different now...OR....maybe I should have stayed single....my husband is not abusive...we have sex (good sex--I was a virgin when we married, so not a lot to compare to...but I'm satisfied)...and he's a good man--but I can't get over this hump of not being 100% satisified and happy in my marriage...I constantly look at what I don't have and not appreciate what I do have in this man...I "compare" him to other men (I know this is not cool to do)...and I compare him to my friend's husbands...and of course, i compare him to the 2 other guys I was "in love' with....and I can't seem to shake this feeling...I don't think I was "in love" with my husband when I married him....I just wish I had more feelings and more attraction to my husband...I keep thinking...maybe I missed out because I married him...maybe I should have waited.....even though we went through counseling and we knew each other and went into the marriage with our eyes as wide open as possible...I just thought my feelings and attraction would have been more electric when I got married...can God give me the feelings I long to have...is is wrong to pray that God would spark that attraction in me for my husband?
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Old 29th April 2004, 12:00 PM   #2
Liz
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Join Date: Jul 2001
Posts: 662
Re: Prayer for new marriage....

Hi Mimi,

Thank you for sharing here. You know there are huge pressures for us to be happy and have good, comfortable feelings in life today. The media bombards us with messages about our right to be happy, but I actually think God's more interested in our being content and following his ways for our life. You've made that choice and chosen wisely and I don't think He will ever let you really regret what you have done.

There are probably several men that we might have chosen to marry, but once we've made that decision we need to turn away from the others and to accept and cherish the one we have. That is an act of the will.

Love is not simply about romantic feelings but about commitment and wanting the best for the other. I think it takes time after we have married to learn not to be self centred and to grow together. Most folk go into marriage with romantic feelings seeing their loved one as perfect. Then reality hits and they discover that neither of them are perfect and it takes effort and commitment to build a really strong relationship. That's when those who have only chosen because of their feelings have nothing to fall back on and may give up, but if you can press on through that stage you can find the stage of real joy when you both know each other intimately.

I do believe God can give you that passion and deep desire for your husband and that it isn't wrong to pray for that – it’s what He wants for every married couple, but do be prepared to let Him show you what He means by deep love and passion for one another. It might look a bit different from what you are expecting.

It will take time, but one of the joys we have found is that, although we still go through times of disillusionment, we have our commitment and love to fall back on which brings us through and makes us even more deeply aware of how special we are to each other. To go on being surprised by new discoveries and new passion for each other is wonderful and far better than expecting to live on a Hollywood high all the time.

Why not have a look at the early years section of the site. There are articles there to help understand your feelings and what love is really all about. You might also find Gary Chapman's book, The Five Love Languages interesting too.

A few years down the line you mioght like to consider doing a marriage enrichment programme to help you along the way. We did one when we had been married five years and it gave a real boost to our marriage and taught us a lot about our feelings and our communication.

I do pray that you will have that abundance of life that Jesus died to bring (John 10v10b)

Liz

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Old 2nd May 2004, 04:01 AM   #3
mimi2004
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Re: Prayer for new marriage....

Liz,

Thank you for your insight and encouragement...it has truly been helpful...I've actually printed your response and have kept it in a special folder for encouragement when I feel down. You are right in all that you wrote and I appreciate your candor and honesty and your gentle and kind ways...I know God has a lot to teach me through this and being in this situation has drawn me closer to God and to seek him daily. I have also tried to examine at what point I feel discouraged or disappointed...and I've found that when I watch certain things on TV or look at certain magazines...I tend to compare and get discouraged...so now, I have decided to eliminate the things I can from my life that make me stumble and get down...that's the first step! I have also been praying daily through my problem areas and have tried to find scripture relating to my situation...I feel like I'm in an all out battle...but hopefully if I fight for the foundation of my marriage...that in future years, we can benefit from this hard work....

I have looked extensively at the web-site and all the resources that are available and will use them over the next couple of weeks. Thank you so much for your feedback as well as all the hardwork you have put into making this web-site what it is. May God bless you greatly for your ministry to countless people around the world!
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Old 17th May 2004, 03:56 PM   #4
mimi2004
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Re: Prayer for new marriage....

Liz,

I was wondering if you could possibly share a bit of your wisdom with me...

Part of my struggle with accepting my decision to marry my husband is letting go of a “dream” I had with another person-years ago. I had met a man who I had fallen in love with and his life and my life were seemingly going in the same direction—we both wanted to serve the Lord in the same way—same ministry. During our courtship, we made some mistakes and crossed the lines physically—we never had sex, but the lines we crossed were in disobedience to God. I have never forgiven myself for this, because I feel that those mistakes led to our relationship dissolving—possibly out of loss of respect. This dissolution was a very hard and painful thing for me to go through—because all my hopes and dreams were wrapped up in this individual and this relationship. However, there were a lot of other things in play-his problems with commitment (he was in his late 30’s and said he didn’t know if he wanted to get married) and the fact that we were living in different states. So there was a lot going on beyond the “sin”-so I have never really been able to let the ending of the relationship go because I could never resolve in my own mind—did the relationship end because of sin or was it just not in God’s will for the relationship to mature and grow into marriage?

What made this situation even harder (and more hurtful) for me, is that he went on to get married and is now living “the dream” with this woman!

I am now married and have had my own struggles with my marriage. However, what I’m struggling with now is finding and accepting God’s will in this whole situation and trusting in God’s sovereignty. I just got finished reading a book on God’s sovereignty and

Am trying to reconcile God’s sovereignty and God’s will in all this. Because it still pains my heart that he is doing ministry with this woman and even though my husband and I have talked about doing this type of ministry together, at the present time it doesn’t seem a possibility or even a reality in our near future. So, I guess what I’m struggling with at the present is really dying to “my dreams” and laying “my life” down and giving God full reign and full access to “my life” and trusting Him with the outcome—and to agree to do what He wants me to do.

It’s just so hard, because my mind begins to think…if only I had done this or what if we had done this differently, perhaps my life would be at a different place and I would be living “my life’s dream”…..then again, maybe not.

I realize also that the enemy is probably at work in my heart and trying, mercilessly, to get me to doubt God and his love and will for my life….I hate feeling this way because it makes me question my love and commitment to my husband and I don’t want to go there again….I do love my husband (and am choosing to love him daily and be thankful for him-he really is a great man) but with all the struggle with disillusionment and reality, the above mentioned scenario just complicates everything!!! Have any words of wisdom or scripture you can share with me????
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Old 17th May 2004, 04:10 PM   #5
mimi2004
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Re: Prayer for new marriage....

Liz,

I also want to add...because I think it's important to understand the whole picture, is that during the course of and the ending our courtship, my ex boyfriend was not at all nice to me and said and did things to me that were not upright--and with all the hurt there was also unforgiveness and bitterness on my part because mainly I felt betrayed and mis-led by this person.......it just seemed so unfair knowing the pain and hurt that I went through because of him that he seemed to sail right through it with numerous "blessings" from God....it just seems that because I've my struggles with my marriage...that it doesn't seem fair...does that make sense? I am embarrased to even admit these feelings and struggles...but I really want to be free from this entire mess as I've been carrying around this pain for too long and I know God wants more for me....I just can't seem to shake it....any light you can share on the situation would be greatly appreciated....
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Old 17th May 2004, 05:46 PM   #6
Liz
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Join Date: Jul 2001
Posts: 662
Re: Prayer for new marriage....

Dear Mimi,

God’s not interested in great ministries – He’s interested in hearts that are humble and willing to be open to him and obedient. A simple life lived in openness and obedience to God is treasured by Him and can be used powerfully by Him. I’ve read your other postings on the site just now and seen you offering comfort and hope and godly encouragement to the other ladies here. You have been sharing your heart and your love and touching their lives.

You know the bible talks about losing your life in order to gain it. Mark 8v35. I was just reading that this morning. Our dreams may not coincide with what God wants for us, they may become more important to us than God himself. But I have found that He does know best. When he closes one door another one opens.

You are right that it’s important to let the Lord heal you of those past hurts and free you from bitterness. We all need Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross – there’s no way we can be saved by anything we do or say, only by what he has done. You and your ex-boyfriend are on level ground before the cross. If there is any unforgiveness towards him, confess it and ask for God’s grace to bless him. If there is anything you haven’t asked for forgiveness for, deal with it and move on.

Don’t let your past imprison you. Jesus came to proclaim freedom to the prisoners, freedom from your past, and abundance of life. (Luke 4v16...).

As you say, God wants more from you – are you going to say yes to Him?

With Love

Liz
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