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Old 16th August 2014, 10:47 PM   #1
Builderbob
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Advice needed

Hi All im new here and am after some advice. I will try to keep this as short as possible.
I have been married for five years (second marriage) and things are getting worse. When i met my current wife i was in the middle of getting divorced from my first. I was trying to make things as easy as possible by still taking my soon to be ex wife shopping as she doesnt drive, and also she had the kids living with her and i wanted them to see that things were as ok as they could be.I was doing this before i met my current wife.
Now, understandably, my current wife (then my girlfriend) didnt like this arrangement, and still to this day brings it up at any given opportunity.
Surely past is the past or am i wrong?
She doesnt like me going out with my mates from work as she accuses me of all sorts (which i have never done and never would) So i stopped doing that, haven't been out with them for about four and a half years now.
I get constantly questioned if im late home from work,being asked why i didnt text sooner ( my job is of the nature where i cant just text as and when) and sometimes the shift runs over.
I work shifts, so i have a few days off in a row. When im at home i do all the tidying, hoovering washing ect even when i get home from work and then get moaned at as to why she hasnt got many clean clothes, to which my answer is you know where the machine is. She does none of this when im at work, claiming she doesnt get the time as she works from home and has to be on the PC all day working and running her business.
Dont get me wrong, i am far from perfect but am i being a mug?
The other day she asked me to get a glass of wine for her which i did. The response was that she wanted it in a wine glass not a tall one which she had been drinking out of previously. Im not a mind reader.This resulted in her shouting and causing a row and ended up with her throwing her dinner across the floor which obviously i cleared up. There are many more situations like these but i dont want to bore you. Any advice would be appreciated.

Bob
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Old 17th August 2014, 04:34 AM   #2
1aokgal
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Re: Advice needed

Welcome to the forum. It sounds as if the lack of trust in your marriage may be a result of the fact you were still married and had not put closure to one marriage before launching into the next one.

It sounds to me as if your wife has too much time on her hands. She works at home and but can't manage her time enough to run a vacuum or neaten up, so you are now the duty maid. It is nice you try to help at home but it sounds like she leaves the chores for you to do when you are home. She has little respect for you and your off time. As for her temper fit..next time she launches a plate across the floor, walk away, let her clean up her own mess. If you don't take some control of that home situation, she will have little respect for you and it might get worse.

You ought to be able to meet your friends once a month for an outing so long as it doesn't involve an all-nighter and lots of booze. It sounds as if you should have looked this woman over a while before jumping into another marriage.

PS. How is your bedroom life? It sounds as if she is a tight, angry woman.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 18th August 2014 at 02:12 AM.
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Old 17th August 2014, 06:27 AM   #3
Builderbob
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Re: Advice needed

Thanks for the reply. I had been separated and in fact living in a seperate house to my first wife for about a year before i met my current one, so she new my situation. We got married 18 months after we first met, which was about 14 months after my divorce was finalized. so i think thats a fair enough time ?
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Old 17th August 2014, 06:16 PM   #4
1aokgal
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Re: Advice needed

The questions about your activities can sound like control, but those questions are often based on real fear of loss and insecurity she will lose you. Perhaps you find more personal time to reassure her about your feelings. Would she have any reason to feel insecure?

The world can eat us up with work and pressing need to do this and that. A couple needs personal time to just be together. It doesn't sound like there is a lot of fun happening for you both. Maybe you should consider to set aside a date night once a week or once every two weeks. That is just to get out as a couple again as a movie or out somewhere for dinner and dance. Work and things we have to do doesn't leave much time to keep the romance alive.

All marriages go through times that fray the nerves. It sounds as if you are both working very hard but are not getting enough time together to have some fun.
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Old 17th August 2014, 07:05 PM   #5
chosen
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Re: Advice needed

Some people are very hard to please and high maintenance. Its sounds as if she is one of those. She also seems pretty controlling, and that is also hard to deal with.

Can you sit down and decide together who will do which jobs in the home? Maybe if you are each responsible for specific jobs that would make it easier. As for her throwing her food across the room, that is plain childish, The sort of thing a 2 years old does. Don't ever clean up after she does something like that. That is for her to do. Arrange to go out with your mates maybe once or twice a month, and explain that you arent going to text her all the time.

May I ask her background? Has she been married? Children?.
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Old 17th August 2014, 10:31 PM   #6
Builderbob
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Re: Advice needed

Thanks for the replies. She has been married before and has three grown up children, one of which lives with us. He is 17. I have four children myself. She has issues from her last marriage with regards trust. Her x used to go out all the time and get home in the early hours. In the six years we have been together, i have been out twice with my mates, and all i got was text messages all night checking up on me. And if i dont answer them i get more grief.Some places i used to go there is no signal which she didnt believe. I took her out for lunch to this particular place and asked if she had signal and she said no. I then told her this is the place i was a week ago when i didnt have signal. Why should i have proof myself all the time? Needless to say i cant be doing with the hassle if i go out again. I cant relax and enjoy myself because i know i will get grief when i get in. I understand her worries, but surely i shouldnt have to be compared to her x? I have told her that i am going to book an appointment with relate tomorrow, i know she is not keen on it as she will not be in control of the situation and may get told a few home truths, as may i.

Bob
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Old 18th August 2014, 02:28 AM   #7
1aokgal
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Re: Advice needed

Dear Bob..

Sounds like a good plan to make an appointment for counseling together. The pressure of her insecurity and the nagging, her questioning..that gets old and makes one angry. Such questions can bring about the very situation one fears. You need to get out occasionally, as she does, with friends and should have an agreement on what is reasonable. Constant calls or texts from her when you were out with friends is not reasonable, but proves somebody is on a tight leash.

It seems she has baggage from her 1st marriage as she is afraid she can't trust you. That is why you end up trying to prove yourself.
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Old 18th August 2014, 06:31 AM   #8
chosen
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Re: Advice needed

Quote:
Originally Posted by Builderbob View Post
Thanks for the replies. She has been married before and has three grown up children, one of which lives with us. He is 17. I have four children myself. She has issues from her last marriage with regards trust. Her x used to go out all the time and get home in the early hours. In the six years we have been together, i have been out twice with my mates, and all i got was text messages all night checking up on me. And if i dont answer them i get more grief.Some places i used to go there is no signal which she didnt believe. I took her out for lunch to this particular place and asked if she had signal and she said no. I then told her this is the place i was a week ago when i didnt have signal. Why should i have proof myself all the time? Needless to say i cant be doing with the hassle if i go out again. I cant relax and enjoy myself because i know i will get grief when i get in. I understand her worries, but surely i shouldnt have to be compared to her x? I have told her that i am going to book an appointment with relate tomorrow, i know she is not keen on it as she will not be in control of the situation and may get told a few home truths, as may i.

Bob
Its understandable that she may have trust issues(did he actually cheat on her?) but after 6 years she should have learnt to trust you. To be honest I think you have a hard road ahead, her behavior is very controlling and because you dont want to face her anger you are doing exactly what she says. It may help to keep her happy in the short term, but long term you will always be living that narrow very restricted life trying to always keep the peace.

Get the book called 'Boundaries' by John Townsend. and also 'Boundaries in Marriage' by the same man.


Yes some long term marriage counseling will hopefully help.
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Old 18th August 2014, 07:09 AM   #9
Builderbob
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Re: Advice needed

Quote:
Originally Posted by 1aokgal View Post
Dear Bob..

Sounds like a good plan to make an appointment for counseling together. The pressure of her insecurity and the nagging, her questioning..that gets old and makes one angry. Such questions can bring about the very situation one fears. You need to get out occasionally, as she does, with friends and should have an agreement on what is reasonable. Constant calls or texts from her when you were out with friends is not reasonable, but proves somebody is on a tight leash.

It seems she has baggage from her 1st marriage as she is afraid she can't trust you. That is why you end up trying to prove yourself.
She thinks her x cheated on her, but she had no proof. With regards her going out, im fighting a losing battle with that one.The problem we have here is that she doesn't have many friends as such because she doesn't "like people" and in particular women as she sees them as a threat. My wife is a great animal lover particularly dogs, and looking after them and sorting out behavior problems is her job (the dogs behavior not mine lol) . We do go out together for a meal or similar about once a month or so. I have always bought her flowers on a regular basis, and if i dont get her some i get accused of not caring. Its like banging my head against a wall at times.

Bob

Last edited by Builderbob; 18th August 2014 at 07:15 AM.
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Old 18th August 2014, 08:15 PM   #10
chosen
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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Re: Advice needed

Quote:
Originally Posted by Builderbob View Post
She thinks her x cheated on her, but she had no proof. With regards her going out, im fighting a losing battle with that one.The problem we have here is that she doesn't have many friends as such because she doesn't "like people" and in particular women as she sees them as a threat. My wife is a great animal lover particularly dogs, and looking after them and sorting out behavior problems is her job (the dogs behavior not mine lol) . We do go out together for a meal or similar about once a month or so. I have always bought her flowers on a regular basis, and if i dont get her some i get accused of not caring. Its like banging my head against a wall at times.

Bob
Thats exactly what my husband said about his former wife. Dealing with someone so controlling is very draining, and it seems like you you can never win. Try those books I mentioned.
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