Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed - Page 7 - 2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums

ralfgarnett · 30th August 2014, 10:19 PM

I cant I just want to die quietly in my own time, your words are wonderful dear ronnoco you are very kind and considerate and I thank you for that but enough is enough I am rmotiomally weak and I just want it to end, she will inherit our home and I am ok with that, thanks its tie to sleep now, had a couple of beers earlier and a nice slice of steak and onion pie, taken all my meds to sleep time, thanks again to you all you have been fab god bless you all xxxx

chosen · 30th August 2014, 11:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ralfgarnett

I still don't like feeling that way about her though, we spoke earlier and we are meeting up for a walk tomorrow, I have been thinking up a way to find out more about what is going on in her head, I am going to show a lot of interest and curiosity in to how she is going to find herself and what she is going to do in order to achieve that, I think maybe this whole situation is more about whats in her head than our marriage, maybe she is just very confused right now and needs to sort her head out, she is now talking about putting herself on the NHS nurse bank in order to get more work at weekends so it helps her pass the time easier, this tells me she is getting bored at the weekends and she never used to, just like me she used to love our weekends at home but now she is obviously not happy and is getting bored, she even told me that she is going back to bed for a few hours in order to waste some of the day away, I am just thinking of ways to use this to my advantage, any suggestions ?.

I just cant see how taking on yet more work is going to her help her de-stress. I thought you said she didnt want to go back into nursing again either?

ralfgarnett · 31st August 2014, 09:46 AM

Hi Ronocco thanks for your kind words, I don't want a new hobby or interest I have no interest and I have artritis in my right kneee I just want my wife back, I feel so ill and confused I am beginning not to care if I live or die, as I type I see our wedding photos and I can still feel the happiness and love from that day I just wish I could take the glass and frames off the pictures and climb inside and be those 2 people again, I have no strength any more I am sobbing as I type I love her and want her back home in our lovely little home with our lovely little fluffy babies I just want our life back please god if you really care and you love us as we are told you do please hear my prayers and bring us back together I cant take this pain much longer.

ralfgarnett · 31st August 2014, 09:49 AM

Hi Chosen it's not too de-stress its to take up time and occupy herself, she always hated bank nursing it was one of her worst nightmares as she loved being at home with us, in her day job she is suited managerial, bank nursing will just put her back as a nurse on the pshyciatric wards with seriously ill patients, the way im feeling I might become one of them and our love will re-blossom over a bed pan and a wack of valium.

chosen · 31st August 2014, 10:42 AM

It sounds as if the two of you have absolutely nothing in your lives apart from each other and that's not helpful in or out of marriage. Do you not both have friends? family? Interests? Hobbies? Things you enjoy doing?
WE are very close and spend most of the time together because he works at home, but we still each have things we do that the other doesnt. DH goes cycling, men's prayer meeting, fellowship group, etc and I meet friends for coffee and we have a prayer meeting regularly, I love animals and walk the dog, love reading etc etc. Even if you get back together you need to develop your own interests and friends. I cant even imagine preferring to work in a job I hate rather than have time off at home to do things I enjoy. We all NEED that down time to rest and relax.

Have you even thought about adopting a rescue dog? So many need homes and they are brilliant company and they also need daily walks which is so good for us and they also break the ice with people you meet. I have my 7th rescue dog now and they have all been brilliant. IT would be perfect for you working at home.

Did you say she is managerial? If so then she isnt even meeting patients?

ralfgarnett · 31st August 2014, 03:55 PM

All my family is dead hers isnt, we like travelling, we are both interested in history, we both cook very well, my interests were mostly sports which I cant now do because of my arthritis, we cant have a dog as we have 2 cats, we both like walking and we have been out together for a nice walk this morning, AND I got a hug from her without prompting, we both have friends and see them from time to time but they have kids we don't, but you make a valid point though and I think you are correct in some respects I will have a think about it, but please be aware that we always enjoyed each others company and still do even at this very difficult time we are sharing, I have been out for a beer with my old pal today whose judgement I trust and he said at worst case scenario it sounds like we will be friends for life, that's more than some people can hope for, now time for some crackers with cheese and salami even though I really don't fancy anything at all to eat.

chosen · 31st August 2014, 05:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ralfgarnett

All my family is dead hers isnt, we like travelling, we are both interested in history, we both cook very well, my interests were mostly sports which I cant now do because of my arthritis, we cant have a dog as we have 2 cats, we both like walking and we have been out together for a nice walk this morning, AND I got a hug from her without prompting, we both have friends and see them from time to time but they have kids we don't, but you make a valid point though and I think you are correct in some respects I will have a think about it, but please be aware that we always enjoyed each others company and still do even at this very difficult time we are sharing, I have been out for a beer with my old pal today whose judgement I trust and he said at worst case scenario it sounds like we will be friends for life, that's more than some people can hope for, now time for some crackers with cheese and salami even though I really don't fancy anything at all to eat.

Yes I do understand as we are the same. We are together nearly all the time with him working at home and its never an issue, we just love being together, but I am thinking of the time we will all have to face when one leaves or one dies and the other is left alone. This is why I feel that we must have our own friends and interests and life as well. I have known people whose spouses have died who were literally completely lost. They had no life of their own, no friends, and and some women couldn't even pay a bill because they had never done it. Crazy.
This is why so many people, men especially, jump far too soon into another relationship because they literally cant cope with being alone.

Many dogs are brilliant with cats by the way, and I also have arthritis and still walk the dog and swim sometimes.

Could you actually cope for good just meeting once a week and never knowing if that will end or not? What if one of you did meet someone else in the future?

ralfgarnett · 1st September 2014, 07:50 AM

Who knows if it will end or not, it could end or it could escalate we might get back on track, one thing is certain is that mentally and emotionally neither of us can or wants to meet anyone else either now or in the foreseeable future, we love each other at present it might not seem that way but I know we do, she is in a bad place she told me yesterday that a female friend of hers whose birthday it was asked her to meet up for coffee and just being asked that question to commit to meeting her sent her in to a panic attack, my wife is no wimp this is serious stuff, I currently hate being alone but have no interest in jumping in to a relationship with anyone.

chosen · 1st September 2014, 09:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ralfgarnett

Who knows if it will end or not, it could end or it could escalate we might get back on track, one thing is certain is that mentally and emotionally neither of us can or wants to meet anyone else either now or in the foreseeable future, we love each other at present it might not seem that way but I know we do, she is in a bad place she told me yesterday that a female friend of hers whose birthday it was asked her to meet up for coffee and just being asked that question to commit to meeting her sent her in to a panic attack, my wife is no wimp this is serious stuff.

I have had panic attacks in the past. There are ways you can learn to deal with them. One I learnt is to ride with it and not fight it.. So, just let it happen and breathe as slowly and calmly as is possible until it passes. Another one that is very helpful is to have a paper bag handy, and hold it closely over the mouth and nose, and breath slowly in and out a few times. That really helps. She probably needs to get medication and also counselling.
Yes I understand that neither of you is interested in anyone else at this time. I wasnt interested in another man for 4 years after my marriage ended.
I still find it hard to understand why being with you would make it worse. To me it sounds as if she has got worse since you separated. Also I think that she would benefit enormously from some exercise and outside activity as well, especially as she gets bored. Its also brilliant for de stressing.

ralfgarnett · 1st September 2014, 04:23 PM

She has been taking her nieces dog out for long walks, and she does seem to be getting worse I wonder if the strain of our separation might be getting to her more than she lets on ?.

chosen · 1st September 2014, 07:12 PM

yes and yet she said she wanted to separate as it would help her not be so stressed didnt she?

ralfgarnett · 2nd September 2014, 02:24 PM

Well I have told her a few home truths today, I have had some really bad days of late and felt she should know exactly how I am feeling and what its doing to me, not sure how that will go down but it had to be said I couldn't bottle it any longer, not sure if it will do any good but its done now I just couldn't continue, I am annoyed with her for not even thinking about counselling, I asked her today and she said she wouldn't even consider it at the moment, I am getting fed up with it all I just wish I had the guts to not contact her or be contacted by her and let her start to think what I'm up to and maybe start missing me in her life a little bit.

ralfgarnett · 3rd September 2014, 01:28 PM

just thinking that 8 weeks ago on that Wednesday I had absolutely no idea of the turmoil to come, I think had I know how bad things would become I might of been tempted to go out and play with the traffic

I know this must sound daft but I love her and really miss her, life is just not worth living without her, I just wish she would of given us a chance instead of just upping and running away, been crying most of the morning not sure how much more of this pain I can take before I just either explode or just quietly stop functioning and fade away in to the mist never to return, maybe it would be for the best.

chosen · 3rd September 2014, 08:02 PM

What was her reaction to what you said? The thing is that you arent giving her a chance to miss you at the moment.

ralfgarnett · 4th September 2014, 09:10 AM

Hi Chosen I sent it by e-mail so don't even know if she has read it yet, and yes I am slowly waking up to the fact that we are not giving her the chance to miss us and her home, bit by bit I think I am starting to wake up a bit and that was something I thought of myself, if only I hadn't contacted her once over the past 8 weeks but that would of been almost impossible to do, I wish I had done that though it might of been solved by now or at least getting somewhere close to it.