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Old 10th August 2014, 12:30 AM   #1
marubig
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 1
Marriage Probs

So I got to know my wife in 2011.
She had just got out from an abusive marriage of 5-6 years and through that marriage had 2 children.
She had naively married a man she hardly knew but as she was going through a tough time and had no one to support her and had very low confidence levels, she trusted someone that turned out to be a controlling wife beater.
She stayed in the marriage for a long time in hope things would change and bore children in the hope of the husband become softer however things never changed and in the end for the safety of herself and children she finally left.
Unfortunately after leaving she still was vunerable to a few encounters with her husband however as she got stronger, the last meeting he ended up rapeing her...
She didn’t know many people and she had moved cities to live with this man and when she left him she still lived not too far away due to the childrens schooling and her job.
One person she trusted was professior and religious preacher (old enought to be her dad) who had given her support and a boost in confidence.
After the rape, police were invovled and it was long process in terms of the case and custody of the children.
Long story short, the husband paid allot of money and manipulated the courts by making things up, getting fake witness staments and changing allot of past accounts around.
In the end there wasn’t enough evidence to convict him and he got away with the charges and custody was given equally...
The man she trusted was helping her file for divorce and as she was going through all the court cases and was scared that she could potentially lose the children, this man manipulated her confidence levels in thinking she needed a man to support her, no man would go near her as she had 2 children and that she should never reject a religious man as he got help her get to heaven and therefore proposed to marry her.
She was shocked and refused but after a few weeks of convincing her of the impact it would have on her, the children and future and as she felt she literally had no way to turn and no way to go, she accepted.
The marriage lasted for less than a month as she realsied how big of a mistake it was and I pretty much met her during this time.
I knew she had 2 children and she went through an abusive marriage but I didn't realise she was married to this man.
She did tell me eventually 2 weeks after getting to know her but she told me it was an agreement religious marriage to simply help her win her kids back ....
I spent 6 months getting to know her and in that time her husband abducted her children from her and took them to another country (2011)
Since then, she hasnt seen them again.
A long story short, I believed allot of what happened to her was down to low confidence, bad judgement and being very nieve...
I felt I was someone who was able to support her and wanted to bring back happiness in her life.
The first year of knowing her was spent mostly trying to get her kids back and her speaking to her husband on the phone pleading/arguing to get her kids back.
I saw signs at the time that I maybe entering somthing too big for me but I was already too deep and I was always broguht up on the basis of following through with things even when it gets tough.

I had never been married before, I was 5 years younger then her and I sure wasn't as mature as her although the way I handled things initially gave her and myself the impression I was!
In 2012 she successfully filed and was granted a civil divorce and at the end of the 2012 I married her.
It was clear that the chances of her children returning were limited and although there was little hope, the reality was bleak.
Prior to our marriage, she had shown signs of impatience, anger and frustration but I felt it was down to her ordeals and things would change.
Prior to meeting her I never had a serious relationship where I lived with someone so I was still used to my messy lazy ways.
After 6 months of marriage we have been having issues and arguments –
Were both veyr inpatient, both debate far too much, both get carried away when making points and both dont know when to stop although I have learnt to walk away at times now.
My wife has constant mood swings, whether its to do with me being lazy, not tidied clothes away etc or if its just random. She is very direct, always trying to correct me and makes me feel less of a man at times by not complimenting me in isntances where I am wrong and instead of covering up my mistakes she would reiterate how wrong I was.
On my side I have an issue with some of her old habbits and I tend to pinpoint them to her bring up the past.
Anyhow we have been married for nearly 2 years now and we are having regular arguments, our communcation is poor and I feel she married me as she needed stability but she doesnt actually love me for who I am.
She does make a bigger effort in a sense of cooking, cleaning and tidying and I have to say I am quite lazy but I do take her out allot of the time (nearly every weekend) and I do tell her on a regular basis (when not arguing) that I love her).
Although At times she does make the bigger effort with me, it feels fake and forced which makes me feel even worse about us.
Although I am admit I am lazy and should do better, I have suggested we lsit out our daily task and what ever she wants me to do, I will do.
She agreed to this but never wrote one and then for few weeks she happily does things and then again back to square one...
The arguing is getting worse and I am sure I haven't made sense of everything nor given a full picture (as its in the early hrs and I just wanted to get it off my chest).

Not sure what do as we just had a bad argument where I said allot of things relating to the past in a negative light and although maybe actual should not of been so directly blunt...
I feel suffocated and yet at other times I go with the flow and feel this marriage can work
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Old 12th August 2014, 09:14 AM   #2
ronnoco
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 391
Re: Marriage Probs

Hello,

My take on this is that on all 3 occasions, your wife has married for all the wrong reasons. You met her at a time where her world had been turned upside down and I think your own quote was very true : -

Quote:
Originally Posted by marubig View Post
I feel she married me as she needed stability but she doesnt actually love me for who I am.
On paper, your whole situation sounds a nightmare but to be completely honest with you, when I met my wife the timing wasn't ideal. She had been through some very bad times, just had a bad breakup, moved to a new area, had no friends, etc and I suspect her reasons for being with me could have been much the same as yours.

When you fall for someone, you forget the rest so don't beat yourself up over this but perhaps ask yourself why you were attracted to her in the first place? - what drew you to someone so needy and vulnerable?

Everyone has flaws, re the untidiness, etc - you both need to learn to compromise.

Your wife's terrible past will no doubt have affected her badly. Truth is, she could probably do with counselling but she has to be willing. You would both benefit from some good long term marriage counselling.

All the best.
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