I cheated on my wife.....feeling miserable

[nojoy's wife]

Thank you for the support...
......it really means a lot.
although it may be a while before he reads this...he is out on an official trip and may not have internet access.
......I go on writing and deleting whatever I write because it is the past but I do want him to understand the situation with his mom.....he gets all defensive and its like me vs them.
......I did look after his mom when she has visited me in the past.....I try and cook her fav dishes...I get her pedicures done so she can relax and her tea the way she likes...she has never thanked me for the pedicures but is too appreciative of the girl who does it for her....and its only now that i have all the help i want...I used to feel very alone and left out earlier when I had started my kitchen because no one would help me.....


but that is the past and in the future also if the efforts have to be all mine i would not know what to think

[Raymond]

t is quite a big thing with you about the mil but I do understand where you are coming from. If I am right I don't think she will accept you fully no matter how nice you are to her as the control is much bigger in her life and you having a good satisfying marriage would be taken as a threat to her as he might loosen her control. The one who does the pedicure is no threat to her and she will see you as a threat as long as you are the wife of her son. This is dangerous stuff.

I don't know what you mean about the kitchen. Do you mean that nobody helped you to decorate it or nobody helped you with the cooking?

I've read a whole book on this type of thing. It operates in all kinds of little ways. It can be for the husband that wherever he is in the world he feels he has to ring his mother every night. Or he wants to paint a wall blue for instance and she says it would be better be green and he does it. These are just little instances. It might be different things with your husband. He thinks he is free but he probably isn't until he faces up to it. It can be very strong so I warn him. It's a kind of manipulation thing which she probably doesn't even realise she does. He has to pick the right battlefield on a particular thing and make a stand.

I really hope it works out for you as you have a lot on your plate. He has to put you above his mother relationship wise. It doesn't mean he deserts his mother but your marriage is now a new entity and he has left home.

I think you have it in you to forgive but there are other problems as well going on which need sorting. When he has done his bit and has been really truthful with you and dedicates his life to you above his mother things will ease a little. You have a playback problem but I don't think it is the right time to tackle that just now until these other major things are sorted. There is a lot he can do to sort it. There is a lot he needs to prove to you.

Raymond

Even though you have messed up there will reach a point where she is just milking it. I would do what is suggested for 6 months or so and after that you are probably just wasting your time and your life. You need to see fruits of your labor and healing otherwise you are just spinning your wheels. It does not help to stay in a sexless loveless marriage pouring yourself into a wife who will never really forgive you and harbors resentment. She may never forgive you but that does not mean that should be a death sentence for you. If she never forgives you you will have to move on and just learn from the mistakes you made.

[nojoy's wife]

I know I am not without faults either....I realise now that if I had been a strong person I would have handled this differently.....

When I started my college I got into the best institute of design even though I came from a smaller town but I was too young and my parents felt I needed to stay with them till I got married...I ran a small boutique and once I got married I moved with him where ever his postings would take us.
I have my own issues.....I am not a perfect wife...I lack the drive to be more active....I take it very personally when or if he criticises me because it just comes of the blue sometimes....
I do feel that I lost my life to please first my parents and then my husband...I know that even now with all the anguish I have I still want to find the peace in my head...and I am going back to studies...am taking a different course ....a 3 year correspondence degree that will help me pick up a job even in a smaller place...I may also apply for a bridge and a revision program at my own college to improve my earlier course but that would mean that we would have to stay apart.
My daughter is too small to small and she needs her father if she can stay with him and I feel that now esp after his affair ended he is taking more efforts to bond with her and that to me is a positive sign......she too is crazy about him like all daughters are...

My husband left in the morning yesterday but he called me last night and wanted us to come and join him....next week.

NJW- Obviously, we all have faults. My wife didnt cheat on me because she's a terrible person. She felt like I was taking her for granted. She felt like I was talking down to her. That I didnt do enough around the house. Unfortunately, I didnt know that. She never told me how she felt. She was a bottler, much like me. It obviously comes down to communication. I felt that she was always attacking me. She was always the jealous type which instantly put me on the defensive, no matter what the issue was. I didnt see that the jealousy was a problem in me. That I wasn't showing her enough love. She wouldnt have felt jealous if I showed her enough love or to phrase it a different way, loved her the right way. (referencing the love language she responds to).

Again it works both ways. She did look outside our marriage for support and that obviously stings. Especially since we have 4 kids. They didnt understand why Daddy wasnt living in the house or why daddy was away on so many business trips. It was killing me. That was when I was at my lowest. However, 4 weeks into our separation, after I started turning my life around without her, she came clean about her affair and miraculously our separation ended a few days later.

We are still rebuilding our trust. I will never ever forget. I will promise you that. I promised her that. However, I told her I can certainly forgive her. But if you read what I said above, you will find the key in all of this. WHEN I TURNED IT AROUND FOR MYSELF was when my relationship started turning around as well. My wife started coming clean and pursuing me. She actually had some of her friends telling her how great I looked and that I was having a good time. (I was faking it. Sometimes you need to act "as if")

Its obviously up to you to decide to forgive. I would completely understand if you decided it was too much to deal with. However, make sure you really contemplate it. What you said above doesn't sound like someone who is making a decision based on the heart. It seems like a decision that is based on your career. Make sure your happy with your decision.

[nojoy's wife]

My husband left yesterday...last night he told me he would be out of communication for a day ...I am just told that it was not what he told me...he's gone out with the same group of people who were there when she visited him to a beautiful place.......
The thinking is far fetched...it could be something imp and yet there have been occasions he has done that when he was with the other woman.....
I would not have stopped him if he took a fun trip with colleagues....he's gone before too...i am okay with that but now I am sick with worry.....

[Raymond]

For a man who is trying to regain your trust this is not good. I hope that it is above board.

Mr Nojoy you really ought to be open with Mrs Nojoy and not leave her in doubt as to what is happening. Going to the same place as where you had a visit from this girl would obviously stir up memories. I know you might not be up to anything but you need to avoid that appearance if you want to build the trust. You have a little way to go in this I think.

Raymond

[nojoy's wife]

I just feel so miserable...its obvious he cannot call me but he should known the program before he left and told me.
The way he treats me...could he have treated the other woman or his mother like this.....

[Raymond]

I am surprised at his behaviour. It is not helping his case to regain your trust. I am beginning to see your point of view. Mostly on here we get one point of view and often it may not be the full picture. I thought he was desperate and sorry from what he has written on here but there is an area that doesn't seem right and I can now understand why you were upset in the way he describes. You sound a reasonable person and not what I thought.

Mr Nojoy please level with your wife. You have committed adultery and Mrs has grounds for divorce in anyones book. If you are trying to mend things this is not the way to go about it.

Raymond

[nojoy's wife]

I just got a call from him....they got unexpectedly late due to bad weather conditions and it was a difficult trek he says......I just think it did not occur to him that I might be worried......

I ask questions when they come to my mind and he always tells me it is not the right time or he would get very exasperated.....today he sounded pretty reasonable so that worry and anxiety I feel is not there now.....

I just wrote when I felt and what I felt then....I wish the way he reacted when I spoke to him today he would react like that always...

I got a call from his mom earlier today...so maybe she wanted his news...she asked me about him and she told me of her eye problem....I've offered for her to get her operation done here if we can find a good doctor here....she asked me to call her and that she would call me.....

Life is not like you close your eyes and you expect the past to just dissappear......because my experience is that learning from it is better than brushing it under the carpet.....because it always comes back with stronger vengeance.

He wrote all my reactions but never about his indifference.he wrote about my reaction when I saw the pictures.....he did not write that when I heard about the affair and the first time I saw him I hugged him and I cried.....he told me at that time...you should hit me I deserve it....and i don't think anyone deserves physical violence....I had a lot of pent up emotions and I regret my behaviour....and so should he...

I think we need to talk together and he needs to understand that if he wants our marriage to work he needs to understand my requirements from this marriage too....I just don't want a roof over my head ...I want to be in a relationship that is mutually loving and caring....I no longer want to be the one who loves more...

[Raymond]

What you want is reasonable and right for a good marriage. You are trying your best in difficult circumstances. I am glad that things were not as bad as they seemed regarding the trip.

Your reaction to his adultery was very reasonable. He is extremely fortunate to have someone like you who is able to forgive. In some cases like this the end of the marriage is the only option. The fact that he expressed repentance could help to save him but as you say he needs to love and understand you more. He has gold beneath his feet if he only but saw it.

Don't apologise so much for your reaction following his adultery. You would not be human if you did not express that. That must have cut to the most intimate part of your life. You needed to express that. He wounded you to the heart.

The hope I see is that expressed in is first posts. A man who is extremely sorry and a man who begs for the chance to put it right. May he make good his words.

Raymond

[Mocamps]

NoJoy,

Can I suggest that you download and read the book found on this website.
http://www.aftertheaffair.net/
It is one my husband read quite a long time after I found out about his affairs and it really helped him to understand what I was going though - all the questions are NORMAL!! I asked loads and loads in the beginning. It was really important that he listened calmly and answered HONESTLY. Where he was evasive or told lies, even if it was trying to protect me, it didn't work. Him being prepared to be absolutely honest with me was crucial to helping to rebuild the trust. Eventually I got to a point where I could recognize that the answers were only causing me pain and I started to ask myself if I really wanted to do that. But even now, 6 years on, there are still times where I feel a desperate need to know an answer to something that plays in my mind. You so need to understand this and this book will help. It also helps you to avoid situations that will cause your wife further pain - like talking about things that cause her to remember things she doesn't want to remember. Yes, t is like treading on eggshells at times but that's a consequence of what you have done and it will get better if you handle it right. When things go wrong for us now, it is usually when my husband hasn't handled a situation in a sensitive way. I think you have a head-start on him though because he took 18 months to realize that is was down to him to handle it well and help me to recover.

Nojoy's wife.
I got really angry on a couple of occasions too - to a point that I didn't recognize myself. I think it was the pain that did it. I just didn't seem to be able to deal with the pain so I flipped. One thing I did find out was that although alcohol gave me a temporary relief, ultimately it made me worse and less able to control my anger. I don't know if you drink alcohol but my advice would be to try really hard to keep it in moderation. I am still apt to drink too much on occasions and it nearly always causes us to row.
I would be encouraged by the fact that your husband is obviously seeking help by coming on this forum. My husband would not have done anything like that. It took some time for me to persuade him to read that book - but it really did help, so I'm hoping Nojoy finds it useful too.

Just some thoughts I had when I read about your situation.
Hope they help and that you will both feel the need to drop the Nojoy labels in the future!!

God bless

Mocamps

[nojoy]

I returned from the trip on 19 Aug, in fact, we all returned home on 19th and since then, after reading the present inputs, i was not getting time to post. While i was out, i had to go on an assignment about which i had informed my wife. It was originally planned for two days in an area outside any communication network, high on the mountains. We got hit by bad weather and had to take an extra day to complete the assignment. Meanwhile i had arranged my wife to join me and received her the next day at the airport. Then i took her out for a trek and camping in the hills and returned together home on 19 Aug.

Few clarifications
I never said my wife is a bad person and neither do i ever think so,
Its all my fault and its me only that got us into the present situation. (No one put a gun on my head to have an affair).

About my mother
I got her into this and sought her help to calm down the other women who was threatening to visit me in my base. When i told her she can't come, she said she would just arrive their and create a scene and then i can decide what to do.
Notwithstanding that, it was our mistake again.

My mother is a widower who stays alone in my home town. I try to speak to my mother once a week. My mother is also very unhappy about the present situation feels extremely sorry about the whole issue.

My mother is a very headstrong person with a lot of ego. Many a times i have apologized to my wife about my mother. My mother and my wife never got along right from the beginning of our marriage and i kept doing balancing act.

Bottom line is...
What i did was wrong, i know it and repent it. Sometimes i really wonder was it me at all....
i understand i have hurt my wife terribly...broke her trust...betrayed her emotions...her faith in me. I understand all that...i cant tell how sorry i am for what i have done. I have lost her faith and i now live a life devoid of trust...i can't ever say anything like....believe me or trust me...for anything.
My wife says i lied a lot...hid a lot...may be in the beginning....to reduce the hurt...but NOT NOW....memories fade and an episode i desperately trying to forget.
I understand its my wife's choice now...
I can only pray for forgiveness

[nojoy]

I just want to reiterate that I love my wife....and want to live the rest of my life with her.


Somehow she thinks i am doing this out of fear....

[nojoy's wife]

"My mother is a very headstrong person with a lot of ego. Many a times i have apologized to my wife about my mother. My mother and my wife never got along right from the beginning of our marriage and i kept doing balancing act."


I don't know why he keeps saying that to everyone,he told this girl also this.....your mother never gave me a chance.I never shut her up when she spoke to me rudely even when she asked me if I liked going to my childrens burial ground....I only told you...or fought with you about it.The only time I stood up for myself you shut me down badly......

About the calls.....check your phone records....you speak to her on average more often than that.....and it does not matter.....you could speak to her as often as you want...i don't care but you are so withdrawn with me afterwards that I wonder what happened now..

If anyone in your family does not even acknowlege our presence and was friendly to this girl even if it was your sister you have to set boundries with them now.....