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Old 9th November 2015, 05:17 PM   #1
Tevyne
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Join Date: Nov 2015
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Feeling alone in my marriage

After we got married, I found out that my husband cheated on me before we got married. It took us a while but I eventually got to a better place with him. Recently, I found out he was messaging someone. The messages were innocent but the messages did strike a chord with me. He used terms of endearment while speaking to her (Sweetie, babe) and once told her he wished he could be there for her when she was having some medical issues.

He says he was just being friendly. She was an old friend and he says he appreciated having someone he could talk to that wouldn't threaten our marriage. However, he never disclosed their relationship to me prior to me seeing the messages. BTW, I didn't snoop, he gave me his phone and he didn't know that his messages were still up. He was forthcoming with the information and insisted that he the relationship was just too friendly at the most.

My biggest concern is that I've been struggling with my own depression and I feel that these actions demonstrate a deficiency in our marriage. He has time to "wish he was there for her" but not actually be here for me. Keep in mind, he treats me well and dotes on me but with his history, those messages made me feel as if I've been alone in our marriage. We're going through financial woes and yet, he's making friends with women on facebook. While he doesn't hide our marriage from them, I didn't appreciate him hiding these messages from me and getting so close with another woman.

Am i being overdramatic? I need space from him. He has since deactivated his account and vows to be more forthcoming with me but he swears he wasn't "hiding" it just not disclosing it unintentionally. Sounds the same to me but he believes that our relationship was never in jeopardy but respects my issues with it. However, is it wrong for me to feel as angry as i do? Am i wrong for doubting the state of my marriage at this point?
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Old 9th November 2015, 06:23 PM   #2
chosen
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Re: Feeling alone in my marriage

This is why cheating is so destructive because it destroys the trust. The fact that he didnt tell you about the affair and you only found out after wards was very sad, he married you under false pretences.
Yes I do think his texts were inappropriate, and the fact that he hid it shows that he knows that. If we cant say things to another in front of our spouse then dont say them.

However he does seem sorry, he has stopped his account(which he should being that he clearly has issues in this area) and seems to be making an effort with you now. He needs to give you his passwords, full access to his phone and computer, and you may need to agree together some firm boundaries in his behaviour with the opposite sex whether on line or on person.

This has bought up the hurts from the affair and the anger is understandable, but I am sure there is hope for this marriage if you can both work on it, maybe with the help of a good marriage counsellor. You may want to make sure he knows that if there is any more cheating that is it, just so there is no doubt.

Do you think that your depression is connected to the cheating? How did you find out? Was it a once off thing or a longer affair?

IN the end only you can make that decision about what you can and cant live with, many cant stay if there has been cheating and others do, neither is right or wrong.

Last edited by chosen; 9th November 2015 at 07:37 PM.
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Old 9th November 2015, 09:39 PM   #3
Tevyne
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Re: Feeling alone in my marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post
This is why cheating is so destructive because it destroys the trust. The fact that he didnt tell you about the affair and you only found out after wards was very sad, he married you under false pretences.
Yes I do think his texts were inappropriate, and the fact that he hid it shows that he knows that. If we cant say things to another in front of our spouse then dont say them.

However he does seem sorry, he has stopped his account(which he should being that he clearly has issues in this area) and seems to be making an effort with you now. He needs to give you his passwords, full access to his phone and computer, and you may need to agree together some firm boundaries in his behaviour with the opposite sex whether on line or on person.

This has bought up the hurts from the affair and the anger is understandable, but I am sure there is hope for this marriage if you can both work on it, maybe with the help of a good marriage counsellor. You may want to make sure he knows that if there is any more cheating that is it, just so there is no doubt.

Do you think that your depression is connected to the cheating? How did you find out? Was it a once off thing or a longer affair?

IN the end only you can make that decision about what you can and cant live with, many cant stay if there has been cheating and others do, neither is right or wrong.
The depression is linked to our financial issues and my stagnate career. He's, or so it appeared, made additional effort to rebuild trust. He's given me his passwords and things like that but in his mind, the facebook messages were innocent. I found out about the cheating the first time because the woman texted him and he finally had to come clean. Prior to that, I had my suspicions and he lied about it. The cheating happened twice with the same girl and then he cut it off when she wanted something serious. She texted him trying to stir things up. After it all happened, he gave me free reign over all of his accounts and I stopped checking after a few months to show him that I was ready to trust him again. He recently got back on facebook to reach out to his brother who he lost contact with, but then stayed on to reconnect with old friends. I didn't know about the reconnecting until recently. I simply thought he was online to talk to his brother. He always talked about me when he messaged other friends but with that one girl, they got too close in my opinion. Seeing the messages reintroduced a pattern. When i found out about the cheating earlier, I consoled myself with the thought that it was an isolated event. Now, I'm afraid this may become a pattern. Although based on the messages nothing happened, where there's smoke...
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Old 10th November 2015, 06:46 AM   #4
chosen
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Re: Feeling alone in my marriage

Facebook and similar are places that can and have caused many to begin affairs, but he has come off the site now and thats positive. Maybe he didnt see it as a problem but this is how things can start and he was foolish.
He does seem sorry though and he is otherwise he seems like a good and attentive husband.

Can you do more for the marriage? Have date nights? Cheap weekends away? A hobby that you can do together?
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Old 10th November 2015, 06:13 PM   #5
luca3434
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Re: Feeling alone in my marriage

I think you will be ok, and that he is generally honourable in all of this and can see the error of his ways, although he maybe a touch naive with some of his actions with FB and texts etc....Regarding finances, try not to let that get in the way as two people meant to be together will get through money difficulties much better as a team.
How is the physical side of the marriage? I know this is an area that is all too often taboo, but from personal experience know that it does have an impact, and that things like depression can affect this in a big way. You both sound like good people who generally want to make this work so hang on in there, and be kind to yourself.

Last edited by luca3434; 10th November 2015 at 06:21 PM.
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Old 23rd November 2015, 02:49 AM   #6
Tevyne
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Re: Feeling alone in my marriage

We keep talking about doing date nights but it never works out. Usually due to babysitting issues. Physically, we're not where we used to be and I know it's because of the depression. Thank you for all of your advice. I've calmed down more and he's trying to do be better. I'm considering seeing a therapist if my insurance can cover it. We'll see how things progress.
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Old 23rd November 2015, 05:28 AM   #7
Lindentree1
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Re: Feeling alone in my marriage

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Originally Posted by Tevyne View Post
We keep talking about doing date nights but it never works out. Usually due to babysitting issues. Physically, we're not where we used to be and I know it's because of the depression. Thank you for all of your advice. I've calmed down more and he's trying to do be better. I'm considering seeing a therapist if my insurance can cover it. We'll see how things progress.
Do try to make time for each other. I also think therapy is a good idea if you are depressed. Let us know how it goes.
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Old 23rd November 2015, 12:41 PM   #8
ralfgarnett
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Re: Feeling alone in my marriage

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Originally Posted by Lindentree1 View Post
Do try to make time for each other. I also think therapy is a good idea if you are depressed. Let us know how it goes.
I fully agree with LDT, go out of your way to make that time for each other it could well save your marriage in the long run.
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