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Old 16th February 2007, 01:38 AM   #1
mike9999
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Unhappy My wife has just left me. Please help!

Something dreadful has happened, and I need some advice.
Yesterday (Valentine's Day no less), my wife told me that she no longer wanted to be with me, and that she was moving out. She said that she no longer wanted to live with me, and that she wanted a divorce.

We've not even been married a year, and our first anniversary was supposed to be the 3rd of March.


She said that she'd been thinking about it since November, which made me really upset, because she never mentioned that she had concerns or worries, and just left it until last night. She said that she felt that she had grown up and that she no longer loved me.


I asked her why, (if she'd been considering it since November), didn't she try and talk about her concerns. She simply said that she thought she would be able to deal with them herself.


She said that she had made up her mind, and that she had even already found somewhere else to live.


Of course I was completely gutted, and pleaded with her to explain why she wanted to leave. She had her reasons, not all of them related to anything I had done specifically. I asked if there was someone else, but she assured me there wasn't. So, in a way I think I would've felt better if there were as at least she would have had a reason.


So, with that, she went downstairs. She opened the dining room door, picked up a bag, which was already packed. Then, I said 'is that it then', meaning is that the end? She said 'yes', began to cry, and then left.

To clarify, we've been together for over 6 years, and throughout most of that time, we'd been living together happily and have managed to talk about everything and anything which we were concerned about. We always resolved any worries or concerns, and rarely had a bad word to say about each other.


Part of me is thinking that she might be seeing someone else, but can't face telling me. Another part of me thinks that she's become more independant since being with me, and feels she'd like to 'go it alone'. Another part feels that perhaps she's just wondering whether there's anyone else out there, as we were both first time partners, and neither of us have had anyone else to really call a partner until we had met.

Whatever it is, it's causing an incredible amount of heartache, and upset. Sometimes, I find myself sitting still for hours just thinking, and that's just within the first 24hrs.


I miss her so much, and love her so much too. I just don't know what to do.


I offered to sort some help to see if we could resolve the situation, but she said she didn't want to try and resolve it.

We spoke breifly after she had left, and I didn't get very far. She was coldy spoken, and with next to no emotion. I called today to see how she was, and she said that she'll be coming to collect her belongings, and sort out bills etc. on Saturday.

I live in a house with two cats, and I'm all on my own. I'm so sad, I just don't know what else to do.

Please advise... Anyone.
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Old 16th February 2007, 01:50 AM   #2
calmfornow
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Re: My wife has just left me. Please help!

Mike,
So sorry to hear of your problems.
Have you noticed anything odd in her behaviour recently? Really think because people don't just up and leave. It does sound like there is someone else on the scene and that her exit has been meticulously planned. Why pick Valentines day? People are just so cruel.
Take care and keep posting because you will find lots of useful advice from real people who have been there. You are bound to be bewildered given the situation but she does owe you a much better explanation.
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Old 16th February 2007, 02:44 AM   #3
mike9999
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Re: My wife has just left me. Please help!

The more I think of it you know, the more it makes sense. I will try to find out, yet I don't think she'd lie. She was leaving anyway, so I can't see why she wouldn't tell me if there was someone else. Again, I'll check, and I'll try and let you know.
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Old 16th February 2007, 08:13 AM   #4
markus
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Re: My wife has just left me. Please help!

Quote:
I will try to find out, yet I don't think she'd lie.
Thats what i thought and all the other men on here who's wifes have been getting shafted
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Old 16th February 2007, 09:48 AM   #5
calmfornow
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Re: My wife has just left me. Please help!

Morning all,

I never thought for a moment that my h would lie to me but he has done repeatedly and I truly believed he was an honourable man . Still he's out of here now and as I've said in my own thread, I'm getting stronger each and every day. Gut instinct is never wrong.
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Old 16th February 2007, 09:59 AM   #6
Mike56
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Re: My wife has just left me. Please help!

Have to agree I'm afraid - it's astonishing how easily and well some people can lie

Mike.
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Old 16th February 2007, 12:28 PM   #7
Coffeebean
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Re: My wife has just left me. Please help!

i so sorry for your pain mike you are in shock as its all so new. Speaking from experience this is a great site to come to because you will up and down so fast you will feel like a roller coaster and its great to be able to go through those emotions with people who empathise and who have been there and can help you through it or going through it at the same time. Have you heard from her since. Be very kind to yourself you dont seem to have got much sleep have you had any? do try to eat
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Old 16th February 2007, 01:26 PM   #8
MPM
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Re: My wife has just left me. Please help!

Oh mike, so sorry to hear or your suffering. I agree with Billyboy it all sounds very pre-arranged & well thought out. I think she's very cruel to have walked out on a memorable day so I'm not surprised to hear she's been cold on the phone to you.

At the moment you are in shock so try and focus on the facts: you can't make her love you, you don't know what she's thinking and you can't change her mind.

If you haven't already then please do tell your family & friends as soon as possible. Get out of the house (even if it's just for a walk), try to eat (even if it's just junk for the time being), try to sleep (get some kalms from the pharmacy) and keep talking and posting.

Do take care x
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Old 16th February 2007, 06:24 PM   #9
jlheart
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Re: My wife has just left me. Please help!

I am so sorry for what you are going through.

Another option aside from telling family and friends and trying to eat sleep and what not is go to your doctor and or counciler.

If you tell your family doctor what you are going through they can give you things to help. My guess would be that you are having a lot of trouble sleeping and taking something wouldn't make you a weak person it would make you human.

I personally have struggled with depression for years and I have been having problems with my husband. I went to the doctor and had my dosage adjusted and I can't even tell you how much of a differance it has made in my day to day life.

No as many people have said you can not change her mind but you can go on even though it will take a while to get to that point.

Work on yourself pamper your self. As posted prior this sight is very helpful. And everyone will give and honest opinion, trust me they did for me.

My thoughts are with you.

JLHeart.
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Old 18th February 2007, 01:25 AM   #10
mike9999
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Re: My wife has just left me. Please help!

Hello again all. Many thanks for the kind words, I never thought this thread could prove so fruitful. There seem to be some really nice people here, and it's good to know I'm amongst 'friends' if you know what I mean.

Billyboy, you say 'perhaps maybe she had/has her eye on someone but not acted yet'. You might just be right. I never thought of that. I'm tempted to say something like 'but I know her better' but I don't really do I? I value your thoughts though, so thanks again.

Just to update everyone, firstly my apologies for not replying sooner. I had un-plugged the telephone cable from the master socket, as I didn't want to be disturbed. This then cut off my internet connection, so I couldn't check the posts until now.

I've managed to eat something now. Don't know why I hadn't eaten anything properly before as I just wasn't hungry. I had bits and pieces but nothing substantial until tonight.

I've been going to work as part of my daily routine, and have found support there to a certain extent, although I'm ok when I'm occupied. It's when I come home to a house with just our cats that I deteriorate. There's always the phone I know, and there are pleanty of people I can talk to, but I'm getting tired of the 'I just don't know what to say' line which people say. Don't get me wrong, I'm not expecting anyone to have the answer to my problems, but it's just nice to talk about this to people who've been there if that makes sense?

We (my wife and I) met this evening (Saturday), and I had written a 5 page letter, which I read to her. It said what was on my mind, and gave me my chance to say what I had to say. I basically mentioned the good times we had, the fun and laughter we've had along the way and so on. I mentioned how upset my family was that we weren't together properly at this time, and how people admired us for the couple we are/were.

I asked if there was anything I could do to rectify things, and offered to make drastic changes to my lifestyle to suit hers and really make things work.

We chatted about what I might have done to drive her away, and things that she's found that she no longer likes in our relationship. I pleaded with her to try something like 'Relate' or councilling, but she insisted that her mind was made up. The fact that she simply doesn't want to try was my main concern. Perhaps this could be because she may have found someone else? I asked again if there was someone, and she said no.
Again, I sometimes think it would be better if there were someone else, as at least the reason would be better understood!

We went through several mugs of tea, and all the time, I kept thinking that the atmosphere was so incredibly tollerant. Not a bad word to say about either of us, but we had agreed, that we would talk things through and to make sure nothing gets out of hand. It wouldn't be nice if we were horrible to each other and didn't communicate. We knew we could've been nasty about things, but as we aren't like that, we chose not to be as it made things more pleasant and less painful in a way.

After we had talked, she convinced me that my plea for her to reconsider was fruitless, and started explaining that she had been told she was entitled to some of the money tied up in our house. This is a really sentivie subject. Basically, someone in my family released their home equity so that I could use it as a deposit for a home. My wife contributed nothing to the deposit or the purchase. She pays some of the household bills, and claims that this is her contribution. It might well be.

Perhaps someone could advise whether this is suitable grounds to have to get me to sell up and give her half? We're tennants in common as well, whatever that means.

Whilst she began packing more things I didn't stop her, but instead we talked about various things as she was packing. We talked again about the house. She knows how important the deposit and how we got the house is to me, so we agreed to negotiate.

She said if she were to make a clean start, she would need things. I offered to let her take all the appliances she needed, as these could be replaced, and then she could let me keep the house. The truth of the matter being that if I had to sell the house to release the money she wanted, I'd be homeless.

I asked if she would be willing to sign a contract at our local conveyancer office to confirm that she wants nothing of the house, and she said she would. I think however, that her family are likely to try to get her to do different.

later, she logged onto her bank website, where she cancelled direct debits which she had been running for us, and wrote details of what I now had taken on, and she severed many links both postal and financial.

We agreed that it would be unethical for us to simply 'ignore' each other, so agreed that throughout her moving out, we'd communicate, but I was to understand she'd never be with me again.

I don't know how I managed, but somehow, I just went along with it as if everything was fine! Is this bad?

I don't feel so sad at this moment, but whilst I type this, I am rather scared. Scared at the prospect of losing my home, which I've been paying the mortgage for with my own money every year since 2004.

I may just be taking this very well, but I may have also done everything wrong. Perhaps you guys could offer some of your guidence.

That's about all for now. Not much more to tell you. It's late, and I need some sleep, but I hope there are still people reading this, as I think there are worse times to come yet. I think this is the lul before the storm.

Thanks,
Mike.
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Old 18th February 2007, 10:56 AM   #11
calmfornow
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Re: My wife has just left me. Please help!

Hello again Mike.
I think you are right when you say that this is the calm before the storm. Don't discuss anything with your w regarding the house etc until you have had some time to come to terms with the situation. Your w has planned everything to the extent that she knows what she wants and what she thinks she's going to get. She is simply taking advantage of your vulnerable state and you must be firm. Tell her that you will discuss things when you are ready. She left you remember and that counts for a lot. She sounds very cold and callous but then I suppose she is on a mission. You are not dealing with the person you once knew. She has gone and what you are now left with is somebody completely different. She owes you an explanation big time.
Try to eat regularly Mike even if you don't feel like it. Soup is a good thing and it's quite filling. I find that my bad times are first thing in the morning and in the evening when I am alone with my thoughts. Friends do mean well but their reaction will also be of shock hence the " I don't know what to say " reply.
Keep posting Mike and remember that we are all here for you.
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Old 18th February 2007, 03:30 PM   #12
Coffeebean
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Re: My wife has just left me. Please help!

dear mike i'm so sorry to hear the news it is so sad when it is over. There is free advice from lawyers so don't agree to anything with her until you are clear where you stand. How long were you married? I dont think she is entitled to exactly half but she entitled to something and on those grounds you should be armed and ready for defending your rights. The best thing i found to eat was sandwiches one because it was easy so suddenly you may think your hungry and if its there your more likely to eat it the if you have to wait half an hour for the meal to do by which point the moment has gone. Secondly because its is considered a good comfort food something every child was made for them. I have come to conclusion that this marriage of mine is over and like you i'm frightened but we'll just have to take it one day at a time both of us
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Old 18th February 2007, 03:42 PM   #13
MPM
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Re: My wife has just left me. Please help!

She had been sorting herself out since November so I think you could do with the same amount of time at least. It is not fair for her to force the financial issue now, you are not ready. It is too raw and too early for this and while you still want her to come back you may go out of your way to make her see how wonderfully reasonable and generous you can be. This is a BAD move. The first thing you need to do is get legal advice, and quick. It might be worth seeking a legal separation to give you the breathing space you need right now.

You don’t have any children, have had a short marriage and have been together for 6 years, the length of your relationship counts too. The spouse is not automatically entitled to half of the married home these days if in joint names.

Worth bearing in mind but if she has been playing away it’s in her best interests to move as quickly as is possible because if anything does come to light, and it generally does then you might not be so accommodating.

Until last week you thought you were in a partnership, she’s taken that away and now you have to look after yourself. Anything you do and say now you could regret in the future when the realisation of what has happened hits you.

They break your heart then they break your bank, generally in that order.

x
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Old 18th February 2007, 11:16 PM   #14
mike9999
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Re: My wife has just left me. Please help!

Good heavens I never thought of it like that.

Today was a different day. I was at work today (yes I work Sundays), and the only thoughts I had were regarding our house. I also have two cats to look after. I know they're not children, but at this exact moment in time, I have nowhere else to go, and they're 'our' cats, so I need to make sure they're ok. I can afford to live here at this time, so am seeking advice first thing tomorrow morning 'Monday'.

Thanks for the continued support guys. I've notcied how the emotions come in waves. I keep thinking about what you've all said about the fact that she's really showing the signs for being with someone else.

When she was here last night, I asked her if she had someone to collect her with what she had packed, and she said that her mum's husband was coming to collect her. I said that I would happily pay for a taxi to make sure she got home safe, but she insisted it was ok.

I remember her saying she was meeting him at a specific location, which is to the rear of our property. When she left, she closed the door and began walking. I had an afterthought about something we'd been talking about, so went to catch her before she was out of sight. When I opened the door to call her, I noticed she was walking the totally opposite direction to where she said she was heading. I said 'I thought you were meeting him at such a place'. She said 'I am, but I'm going this way'. I was puzzled, but didn't question her.

One other thing I've noticed lately, and before she left too, was that she was sending many text messages. I've always trusted her, so I never looked or asked about them, but lately they became more and more frequent. She was even texting when she was here last night.
Chances are she was simply texting the people who are looking out for her, to see if she's ok.

Thinking about this makes me cross, but then sad too. Part of me feels like I am a fool for not noticing, just in case I missed any 'signs'. In fact, I am kind of embarrassed to be posting this, but I'm also thinking that if I don't say what I'm thinking, you'll not know what's going on in my head.

Aargh! It's clear to me that there's a lot still to come. I just pray that it will be quick and painless whatever it is. If not painless, just quick.

To clarify about the house business. It was me who brought it up in conversation, to enable her to understand that I'm aware we'd need to discuss it at some point. I may have been foolish to do this, but I haven't been in this position before, and I'm not very aware of how things should go, so I will be seeking advice when office hours begin.

Sorry all. I'm waffling again. It's getting late again, and the last few nights I've not gone to bed earlier than 01.00, and I have to get up at 08.15 for work, so it's really wearing me out emotionally and physically.

Regards,
Mike.

Last edited by mike9999; 18th February 2007 at 11:21 PM. Reason: Just read the rest of the posts...
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Old 18th February 2007, 11:34 PM   #15
jools
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Re: My wife has just left me. Please help!

Hi Mike
Quote:
Part of me feels like I am a fool for not noticing, just in case I missed any 'signs'. In fact, I am kind of embarrassed to be posting this,
Do NOT feel like a fool. I did the same. You fail to notice things because you TRUST them. You believe what they tell you for the same reason and because you LOVE them. That's nothing to feel foolish about. It's just sad that they abuse your trust and love. It is a terrible thing that they do and so they feel guilt. And that guilt is dealt with by them by lying to you. Even when they leave they still often continue to lie because it's emotionally easier for them.

So sorry for what you're going through now. There's no quick fix or FF button. You just have to go with it. But know that as awful as it is now it will get very gradually better. That's no help at the moment, I know. I'm 9 months down the line and up till the new year I was still having really awful days - but recently I'm so much better. Which is more than I can say for him. Those of us who have been honourable in our relationships will ultimately be happy. I do believe in karma (well, on my good days anyway!). Sh** now Mike - but you will come through this - though it's gonna be an emotional ride. Good luck.
Lots of love
Jools. XXXXXXXXX
PS) At least you don't have children together. Now that really DOES make things messy. Then you can never cut the other person from your life and move on. If she is a lost cause, at least you can have a clean break and a fresh start. (Sorry if that sounds hard - but it's the reality of it)
________
Crown comfort lpg

Last edited by jools; 20th April 2011 at 02:39 PM.
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