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Old 18th June 2011, 06:52 PM   #31
Lynn
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Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS

Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS
I also wish I had read that when my husband walked out. He did not say he did not love me any more, in fact he kept telling me he did still love me but his walking out had just become a habit every time there was a problem between us. Unfortunately he has gone back to drinking to cope and now I find it impossible to talk to him or even find moments when he is not drunk so I have backed away, filed for divorce and left him to it. I have to say I thought I had done the right thing until I read that article.
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Old 18th June 2011, 07:35 PM   #32
Raymond
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Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS

Lynn this is not your situation at all. They had a happy normal marriage and he went through a patch where he had lost the feeling of love. Your situation is far more toxic than that. You have a husband who goes off for long periods, may even go with other women. You musn't buckle over things you read when you are already doing the right thing. Please read your thread right through again and remind yourself. You are manipulated through your desire to be needed and this is how he is manipulating you even while he is being unfaithful. This is on a level of self harming and you must break free for your life's sake.
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Old 18th December 2011, 05:49 PM   #33
SimonaK
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Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS

Thank you for the link to the article! It was very interesting!
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Old 27th September 2012, 04:22 AM   #34
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Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS

It is a good article but that woman is not me. My husband left me when I was out it was not a complete shock he was leaving me day before but we had a wedding to attend so I sat and sobbed on the bed uncontrollable (he started to pack a suitcase at side of me) I was not begging him to leave and managed to go through a wedding celebration. Next day I went out to a meeting and came home to find a letter on the mantle piece. He planned leaving a month before, he did not know how to have the difficult conversation. The pain and hurt from his deceit lasted two months, he left August 5th. I now think it was the only way to do it as I would have been hysterical and begging.
He agreed to counselling and we are having it now but one to one for now. We see each other weekly, we cannot talk about emotional things we have to make our time together pleasant. I think it might be mid life crisis he is unsure how he feels about me but I am unsure too though I miss him terribly but not sure if that is because we were together 17 years or because I am needy and also very dependant on him. Time will tell and we need time.

Last edited by lizzy1969; 27th September 2012 at 04:24 AM. Reason: missed detail
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Old 4th November 2012, 04:47 PM   #35
Pear Shaped 29
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Exclamation Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS

I feel like my husband is heading that way soon. He never says anything nice to me, and I snap at him. After reading that article I'm going to try it another way. At the minute I'm everything that is wrong with our marriage....according to H, but I need to let him rant and then just get on with making sure me and our 2 gorgeous children are happy and ok.

This is going to be hard
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Old 18th June 2013, 05:54 PM   #36
StillHoping
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Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS

I wish I could've persuaded my H to stay, but he packed his bag and left when me and my son were out on a day trip.
I've tried the begging bit - didn't work obviously! I then tried the love deposits, that's when you have a love bank and put into it love deposits by doing nice things for him. I made him meals, I bought him gifts. I let him have a bath at our house (he's only got a shower in his flat!), we watched TV together and I lent him some money when he was skint. I thought I was starting to get somewhere, then a week later he told me he wanted a Divorce! After only 2 months!
At the moment I'm on a different tactic and it seems to be working! I've recently read a book called divorce busting and it talks about a list called 180 degrees. Basically, you do the complete opposite that you have been doing. Don't contact him unless it's to do with the kids, Don't give him gifts, treat him as if you were already divorced. The full list is here - http://www.network54.com/Forum/23319...891381/The+180
Now he's the one that's contacting me, giving me gifts, delaying the D (only for a month though!) and when he's on the phone he tries to prolong the conversation. Today I'm supposed to ring him about how my son did in his exam, but he can contact me if he really wants to know.
I believe that marriage is sacred and should be worked at at all costs. God is at work in my marriage and I'm hoping that his plan is for us to be together again.
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Old 13th November 2013, 05:15 PM   #37
LibraLady
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Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS

Very interesting, but it takes patience and will to be able to deal with that. For me, my ego is so, that I would most likely respond with "O.K. , whose going to pack, me or you?" I beleive that people, especially men say what they mean and mean what they say when it comes to their feelings and emotions.
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Old 11th December 2013, 09:48 AM   #38
Roses
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Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS

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Originally Posted by StillHoping View Post
I believe that marriage is sacred and should be worked at at all costs. God is at work in my marriage and I'm hoping that his plan is for us to be together again.
Good for you!

I agree with you.
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Old 11th December 2013, 09:54 AM   #39
chosen
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Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS

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Good for you!

I agree with you.
However there are circumstances when I believe nearly everyone would say that a marriage needs to end. Such as serial adultery, or a person who is having a long affair and refuses to stop, physical or sexual abuse towards the spouse or children, chronic drug addictions, chronic porn addictions, chronic alcoholism, abandonment etc. Sometimes for the other spouse or the childrens' safety and sanity they need to end it.
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Old 11th December 2013, 10:00 AM   #40
Roses
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Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS

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For me, my ego is so, that I would most likely respond with "O.K. , whose going to pack, me or you?"

I beleive that people, especially men say what they mean and mean what they say when it comes to their feelings and emotions.
I often wondered about that too.

Feelings and emotions expressed by men: Do you think? how interesting.
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Old 11th December 2013, 10:03 AM   #41
chosen
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Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS

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I often wondered about that too.

Feelings and emotions expressed by men: Do you think? how interesting.
Men are always far more direct and straight forward. What they say is what they mean.
They also have a very different way of dealing with their feelings and emotions. We want to discuss them, and they want to go off by themselves and think about them. Neither is right or wrong, we are just different.
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Old 11th December 2013, 06:11 PM   #42
Roses
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Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS

Hi

Yes. A very good response, Chosen.

My Man was never good at expressing himself for a long time. It's only lately he started to open up himself a little more. His public school boy legacy..... LOL .... LOL ....
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Old 12th December 2013, 05:03 PM   #43
pmsc69
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Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS

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Obviously the approach fitted her scenario perfectly in the fact that it was his problem that he said he didn't love her anymore etc. Sometimes people can perceive relationships through their problems which are personal to them and not particularly the others problem. Her faith and patience worked out for her.

Where you get adultery or unfaithfulness though that approach will not help as that will cut right into the intimacy of the marriage. One cannot help being affected if that happens. Crossing that line changes the whole scenario.

Raymond
I totally agree Raymond. Once that happens the knife is buried deep into the heart. It is ver difficultto cope with that. I don't think that there is a mature way of handling that. Everyone reacts differently but at one stage there will be anger and resentment ehich is part of the 5 stages of grieving.

Sadly this happens very often and the more often it happens to you the more you lose trust in a relationship. This is a shame as it means that we end up placing people into the same basket. I truly believe that other people can change a person for the better or worse. Sadly it is mostly for the worse. Eventually the offender leaves and the victim is left to fight fo stay alive. The offender never gets punished and they always think that they have done nothing wrong.

I am glad it worked for her but that is a chance in a million.
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Old 12th December 2013, 07:20 PM   #44
chosen
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Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS

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I totally agree Raymond. Once that happens the knife is buried deep into the heart. It is ver difficultto cope with that. I don't think that there is a mature way of handling that. Everyone reacts differently but at one stage there will be anger and resentment ehich is part of the 5 stages of grieving.

Sadly this happens very often and the more often it happens to you the more you lose trust in a relationship. This is a shame as it means that we end up placing people into the same basket. I truly believe that other people can change a person for the better or worse. Sadly it is mostly for the worse. Eventually the offender leaves and the victim is left to fight fo stay alive. The offender never gets punished and they always think that they have done nothing wrong.

I am glad it worked for her but that is a chance in a million.
Well we all reap what we sow, so anyone who hurts and damages others doesn't get away with it in the long run.
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Old 12th December 2013, 07:41 PM   #45
pmsc69
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Re: Those aren't fighting words, dear - READ THIS

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Well we all reap what we sow, so anyone who hurts and damages others doesn't get away with it in the long run.
You are right chosen. We all meet our match and if we push our match too far then we can get burnt. Gladly I can say that not everyone is lkke that. But those who do do harm to ohers and get away with it will never learn. Only those who get hurt back in return realise what harm they have caused others. Hopefully they will remember it and not do it again.
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