Devastated but still love him

[sarahbear]

Hi everyone

I found out at the weekend that my husband of 7 years (we've been together for 15 years) has cheated on me.

I had been suspicious for a while so checked his messages when he was out. I found some fairly explicit ones between him and a girl who is almost young enough to be his daughter and who he used to work with. I know that they have been out together as part of a group of work friends but I had no idea it had turned into something more.

The worst thing is that I had welcomed her into my house as one of his friends several times and then she does this. I also know that she had been in our house while I was at work - he always told me when she'd been round - but he swears again that nothing ever happened in the house.

When I confronted him, he was so upset and begged me to help him and to not leave him. He admits that it had been going on for about a month, that they did various physical things but he swears that they never had sex. He said she made the first move on him. I have no idea how far it would have gone if I hadn't found out.

He is trying so very hard to prove he is trustworthy. He is showing me messages and emails he receives, he has deleted her from his phone and he called her the very next day to tell her it was over. He has made it clear that he wants us to work on this together and try to get back to where we used to be.

The trouble is, he works away a lot. How on earth am I going to be able to let this go and not think that he's texting/messaging/seeing her? I really want to make it work. I love him so much and this came completely out of the blue, so I'm still reeling from it all.

Any help/advice would be so gratefully received.

Thanks x

[Wifey2012]

OMG poor you...

First of all... too right he should be showing you his phone and deleting her off his phone! but this doesnt mean its ended..

I left my ex partner hmmm 6 years ago now after he consistenly cheated, messged girls, acted suspiciously.. basically destroyed all my self asteem and confidnce and trust in men.
He once said (when found out) it was nothing really, she chased him, he enjoyed the attention but he loved me ect... deleted her no, ect.. so i tried to make it work..

he had a 2nd phone....

Onvce trust is broken its so hard to get it back.. but can be done if they are genuinely sorry and will do anything to earn that trust back.. but its not easy and your trust will take ages to rebuild and at what detriment to you?
when you love someone, really love them... not matter how much they hurt you that love remains.. so what you do it will be hard. But if you want to make this work you need to talk,. Whether just you two, or theraphy? the reason this happened needs to be addressed? people dont just cheat..

You need to find out what he was thinking? when it happened? how long? and work on those issues..

good luck hun xxx

[Raymond]

Wifey is right about the trust. It takes the longest to be built up but can be broken the quickest.

Restoration of the trust first takes repentance. It looks as if you do have that and it looks like he wants to do everything to restore that trust such as showing you all e mails and texts.

It appears that your marriage can be restored on the face of it but it will take a while for the trust to come back. I'd let him stew for a while while he is working through repentance but not too long as to get discouraged. There will come a time when your confidence is restored, provided he is sincere in what he says but you need to let him know that this can never happen again. Marriages cannot thrive with this going on.

[hope]

Hi SB

I found out last year my husband cheated on me once with a colleague. (not intercourse) I found out much the same as you, i checked his emails. My story is posted on here.

I feel that if your husband is truly sorry for what he has done to you then you can get through this. It is important to know the truth and have the facts and he should give both to you freely. My husband has given me complete access to his laptop, emails, phone and facebook account. The trust is coming back, slowly.

One of the hardest parts for me after finding out this one cheat, was did he do anything else. I still am not 100% sure and never will be, but we talk, talk and talk some more and he lets me get things off my chest when i need to.

It has taken me almost a year to deal with what he has done to me / us and i still have very bad days.

It does get better though, providing they are genuinely sorry and i do believe anyone can make one mistake and learn from it, and never repeat it. If its repeated then it's time to call it a day.

I hope your husband is truly sorry, and that he is able to help you in any way he can to rebuild trust by being very transparent about where he is, who he's with etc...

I would always say give it a go, try to work things out, if you love one another and your marriage is worth saving then do whatever it takes. Sometimes things can be better as you learn to not take one another for granted. It's a hard lesson, but you can get through this if you both want to.

Good luck

Hope

[Raymond]

You speak good wisdom there Hope. The trust does take time to build up.

I agree that another event like that would be very serious and probably signal the end of the marriage.

As it is that is not going to happen judging by his repentance. I agree that the marriage could be even better long term, him having learned the boundaries and hopefully what it takes for a marriage to thrive. Faithfulness is so important

[hope]

Hi Raymond,

Not sure if wise is the right word, but having been there I can understand at least some of how SB feels right now.

I hope it gets better for you SB, like Raymond says, your husband sounds repentant, and that means so much. Sometimes people lose sight of what they already have, take it for granted. It's a mistake, but we have to learn from mistakes.

I can understand to some extent why my husband ended up in the situation he was in, and I was partly to blame. We both lost sight of each other. I did take him 100 % for granted and I shouldn't have.

Hope x

[Sillyman]

Hope,

You've summerd up my marriage too. We never gave it what it needed - and you don't know what you've lost until it's gone.

And I'm glad SB is trying. They've started rebuilding - and I hope it'll work for them. Things are easy to break, but so hard to repair.

It's heartbreaking that people can lose sight so easily.

SM

[hope]

Hi SM

It does sadden and surprise me that your wife didn't give you the opportunity to prove you had learned a valuable lesson.

I think to not at least give it a try was harsh and possibly not the best thing for herself and definately not best for your daughter. But we all deal with things in our own way, I can't judge her.

However I do feel our marriages deserve the very best shot and one mistake should be learned from and moved on from, but no second chances.

I really believe that marriages can come out of this kind of horrible situation for the better, sometimes it is the wake up call both partners need.

Hope you are doing ok SM. I have been reading and keeping up to date with you even if I haven't posted for a while.


Hope x

[Sillyman]

Hope,

That's what saddens me the most too - no second chance.

Neither of us was perfect - but our family deserved at least a little effort. She's put her own anger above everything else - despite all I've tried to do to put things right. So very sad.

I am not a bad person, just misguided at times. Learned a harsh lesson and have suffered, as has she.

Very sad :-(

SM

[Raymond]

You haven't had a first chance SM. I think what Hope was talking about was the scenario where one had repented and been forgiven then go and do it again. Whilst some can forgive a first affair or adultery because they see that there is repentance and a desire to do the right thing, a second chance when they go and do it again could be a bridge too far.

I think you are right Hope in that things could be even better in a marriage because of the lessons learned regarding faithfulness. I know of a couple who's marriage is thriving after one of them slipped because of an affair. They are the ones who inspired us to go into schools and talk about our marriage on a question and answer basis.

I disagree with you in that I do think you are speaking wisdom on this subject. Wisdom is not about having lots of knowledge. It is about how you apply the knowledge that you have. A very precious commodity.

[hope]

Hi all

What I was trying to explain was if a partner cheats you could well be cutting your nose off to spite your face. But only if you believe the cheat was a one off and learned from.

My husband was very foolish, and very selfish doing what he did and for the reasons he did it. But ultimately we know we have had almost 20 years together and four children and we do truly love one another. At a certain time he got distracted, he never should have but he did. He should have said 'no' but at that particular time, he didn't.

It's far too complex a situation to write all about here, but I feel in my heart he regrets it sorely. I'm sure he regrets it more that I know about it, and yes he could have come home and admitted what he'd done, but I doubt we would have recovered if I'd found out back then. Because things were too hectic in our lives back then, we had little time for one another, but that all changed a few years ago when the eldest two moved away to uni and we started to spend more time together. He started to help more at home and so by the time I found out what he'd done we were very happy in our marriage.

The fact he never fancied this woman, they weren't friends, it wasn't an affair, it was a one off all made it easier for me to deal with, even though it has hurt me like nothing else on earth.......but we deserve to at least give our marriage the best of chances and I do believe we will get there. We are very happily married, and we love each other, it's just such a shame and makes me so sad that he took a risk that could have ended our happiness for good. I will always feel sad about that, but I can understand some of the reasons that lead to it. I am big enough to hold my hands up and say I should have noticed when he needed me to be close to him, I should have listened to him when he wanted to talk to me, I should have accepted when he wanted us to go out and spend time with one another, instead of always being too tired and putting the kids first or the tv etc, etc....

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, looking back I do remember him wanting us to go out more, and me never wanting sex.....me allowing the kids to interrupt and never putting him first.....he won't have it that I take any blame for what happened, but I was partially to blame, he did try to talk to me and I just took him for granted because he always told me I was beautiful, and how much he loved me, he put me on a pedestal and I literally took his love for granted and gave him nothing in return but a clean house and happy kids. That usually isn't enough for most men. They need affection and to know their wife loves and needs them. I wasn't having enjoyable sex with him, but more or less letting him have sex maybe once a week at the weekend with me not too interested. Just getting it out of the way. Of course I have to take some responsibility for this outcome.

He's been fantastic since I found out. That's why we didn't separate. We love each other but we lost sight of each other, or at least I lost sight of him and somebody else chased him and he took that risk. I don't believe he will ever come close to doing anything like that again.

I hope others can learn from us.

Hope

[Raymond]

That's brilliant Hope. I am sure lots can learn a lot from your story. One can see how he strayed because of the lack of good sex etc. Nothing can justify adultery, but one can see how he became vulnerable and you were wise enough to put that right.