Crashing

Since February 14th my world has been turning upside down. My husband after 19 years told me he was unhappy, wasn't in love with me anymore and wanted to start a new life, but U am his "best friend", and he cried. i was thinking Mid Life Crisis... Or...
For the next few days I was angry and shattered and thought he was just overloaded. In bed he wouldn't touch me and I waited a few days and just worked my way into it. It was fine for a few weeks, but still no passion outside of the bedroom.
My husband travels a lot. We have a business that requires it. He is gone within town for four days a week each month, two times a year spring and fall he is gone for a little over two weeks and thereafter he has to fly to Europe for two weeks, plus two weeks about every two months back to Europe. Europe is a safe zone. However, the other places there is much opportunity to get involved with someone at the shows he does. In the evenings everyone sits around drinking, bitching and groaning and frolicking. How do I know this? He has told me in the past. I often thought he was getting the better end of the deal doing the traveling while I was at home, (love my kids, don't miss understand me but he always has fun working these shows!)
We have always had respect for each other and we have two children, the youngest 13 still at home, our son. I have always trusted him my husband.
Well... Now this is gone and so is he emotionally from me. The men he hangs out with at these show are either divorced or cheaters, So he had told me. He now likes this life and my head and heart knew something was up with an affair and finally last week I questioned his attitude towards me and one thing led to another and he finally (trying to hurt me) confessed that he was having an affair. When he told me she was also married I really yelled and questioned out loud his moral values breaking up not only our family but engaging in hurting this woman's husband and kids. That night he called to let me know he couldn't come home and had to get away to think, at a beach for four days with his buddy's.

Bottom line I am heartbroken, lonely in spirit and have great days and then the worst breakouts it crying bouts knowing that the love of my life has checked out. His attitude towards me is awful, he is short and cold. Then every now an then like his old self?? But rarely. We work together and I have never been a needy woman. He doesn't see my pain, I won't allow him to.

Before knowing about the affair (married woman) I told my husband I was thinking about getting a flat in the city for me and my son to shorten the long drive for my son's summer activities and to give each other space. it would also closer to work. For two months I thought it would be fun for us to experience the city culture and have a new prospective in our life, husband included. But husband doesn't want any part of me, therefore... My son hates the flat and he is finally spending time back at the house with Dad and the comfort of our neighborhood (which is good for him) and this has now made me the outsider. When my husband saw the place (he was at the beach when I made the move) he cried, held me, said he was so sorry and told me I should go back to the house and he would stay here. I said no, thinking it was better for my head.
It's only been a week and it feels like a year ti me and here I thought this would be a good thing for all of us.

My husband was just hopping in his car and taking off for a few hours during the evening and I never Knew if he was coming home, plus separate bedrooms, it was killing me and he would only say, this was his life and he was living it. I couldn't handle it anymore and I have continued to stay at the flat but see him at work. I want my son to have a fun summer and not be too effected by all this, I'm feeling separation anxiety from my son now being that he doesn't want to stay here with me downtown. He spends 50/50 depending on his activities. My daughter is now just down the street from me. In August I will be back at the house for his school.

Husband is talking about getting his own place when I get home. We will ave to put our home on the market in this bad economy...
To me the house is not a home anymore, with out my husband anyway.

I have been the Mom, Dad, Business woman, partner and housemaid, trouble shooter, cook, disciplinarian... and now hub may see some of the stuff I deal with when he is absent or even when he is home, But who knows...
All the laundry I folded before coming to the flat was still sitting on the table when I
took my son home this afternoon...

I have been reading about MLC, and my husband called my daughter up tonight telling her he will always take care of me but he no longer wants to feel married, he didn't ask for a divorce but he wants to have fun and control of only his life.

I am so tired of rehashing this in my mind, crying, feeling up, feeling down, feeling lonely... t

Any kind words of wisdom? Only kind ones please. Will the drama ever end.

[Forever]

Greetings Merlot,

I am sorry that this is where you find yourself...you are not alone, millions of others are suffering the same kind of betrayal. The ball is really in your husband's court right now, as he has strayed to embrace a life style that is not supportive to his vows nor to the loyalty that marriage is supposed to give to one another.

The best thing you can do right now is to accept that his heart and mind are made up, and NOT grovel or throw yourself at his feet while he toys around with your heart and your life. What good would your tears or your words do make him see what he is throwing away? If that is not a conclusion that he himself comes to, then your words will only fall on deaf ears, and the result is that you will seem even more unappealing and unattractive in his eyes.

I would simply tell him (if he ever brings it up) that you respect his freedom to abandon the family in favor of his new quest for living, and that you are left with no other choice but to move on likewise...even if it grieves you to say so. There is nothing more frightening to a man (who may still have a spark of love for his wife) than to see that because of his own cold heart, she may be giving up also. But if he truly has no love left for you, you will be doing yourself a favor to keep your God given dignity intact.

Do not give him the comfort while he commits one act of adultery after another to think that he can easily run back home when things go wrong on the playing field...that is what he will think he can do if you pine and grovel for him now. No, you must value yourself more than that...and you must value the sacredness and fidelity in marriage above your feelings for him.

In order for you to have any measure of trust and comfort in the marriage moving forward, he would have to give up a lifestyle and possibly his employment in that kind of arena for this to truly happen. If he is not willing to do so, you would be forever checking up on his integrity as long as you are with him after all this. Is this how you want to live?

You are so right. right down to the details. I go into work everyday (we own and work it together). He has his particular phase and me mine. It works fine, we wear different faces in front of customers... But there are times his voice gets so off base, meaning indignent. dr. jackal / Mr. Hyde. Then I start get hurt inside and wonder why he switched.
I have a bad habit of comforting when he needs it even with work. My weekends are the worse because of the division of my son. When he stays with my husband I get so lonely for my family life. I suppose as time goes by it may be easier. I can start crying at a check out stand at the grocery and by the time I get to the car... It's hard. I can't forgive me but have to accept it. I'm working on it. Some days I'm shunning other days it hits me hard. I do not let him see me like this and I don't gravel, I won't give him the satisfaction.
Your comments are right on the money. Encouraging, thank you. I'm strong tonight, I hope it starts lasting longer!

I'm so frozen in time I mentioned so much of what I said in crashing! How pathetic is that, lol.

Tonight I had a surprise, the other spouse contacted me... What are the odds of this happening! Very easy to do these days, now that I know! Very easy! he is a very nice guy that has been putting up with her games for the last four years. he expected the obvious. He gave me some background on who she is. Oh my!
My husband is going to be in for a treat. she's a big time spender, BIG TIME! this should be interesting. Her husband is cutting her off. she too was at the beach! this actually has made me feel better in some way. I feel that I have been a good wife and mom and it isn't about me. This gives me some relief. I know this has nothing to do with what I must continue doing for my son and myself, at least there is some humor in it now to possibly unfold.

That sounds evil and I'm not.

[Raymond]

Nevertheless it is obvious that he cannot prosper in the relationship having deserted his wife, you. You are not evil but try not to be too taken up with revenge. That will tie you to him in an unhealthy way and hurt you more than him. He is obviously heading for a fall long term. You have to do what you have to do. He is in adultery and therefore the marriage is seriously fractured. You cannot take him back while he is living like that. If he ever came to repentance over it and begged for forgiveness then there might be hope. As it is he has made his choices and you have to make yours. Forever is right. You cannot be a doormat pining for him. He has stuck the knife in you and betrayed you but you cannot afford self pity however tempting that is. You need to accept what has happened and make plans for a new life while you are healing. I know that is not easy but realistically you don't have any choice and it is the healthier option just now.

[Forever]

If things progressively get uglier between you and your husband considering that you share the same business, be careful not to let him bully you out of your position there. I am glad that you received some clarity about the nature of the person he is cheating with...just goes to show that it is not anything you have done to drive him away. He is following his own unfaithful heart.