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Old 1st May 2012, 09:19 AM   #61
chosen
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Re: How do I trust him again?

sammie, he may well be repentant, I hope so very much, but he was still very very foolish to go and see her again in her own country after the affair had apparently stopped. Whether he told you or not that was absolutely wrong and wont have helped you..
As Raymond said, trust cant take a very long time to be built up, years and years in some cases, and that is why some marriages do end after an affair. After my first husbands betrayal, I had 6 years as a single mum, then remarried. Even after all that time, it took me a long time to completely trust my poor second husband even though he is the most trustworthy moral and good man I have evet met!

I really think that you and he need to accept that it will probably take years before you feel at ease again. A lady that I know on another forum found out about 5 years ago that her husband had cheated on her 17 years before, and it took her about 4 years to stop feeling worried and scared every time he met with a female client again. I think she has just about got there now, but its been a long hard road. Fortunately her husband understood and was very patient with her, giving her all the reassurance she needed.
Maybe some good marriage counselling will help you both to understand this.
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Old 1st May 2012, 09:24 AM   #62
sammie38
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Re: How do I trust him again?

Thanks Raymond, I know you're right in everything you say. I think he does realise how long it takes to rebuild trust and he often says that he knows he was in the wrong and he knows that's why I'm like I am. I'm still finding it really hard to let it go but I know I must and I know I must stop punishing him - I don't mean to, sometimes my tongue runs away with me. You've just reiterated what I aready knew myself, so thank you again.
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Old 1st May 2012, 04:13 PM   #63
sammie38
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Re: How do I trust him again?

Thanks Chosen, I think we both do realise that it may take years for the trust to be built back up, I'm just scared of him hurting me again but as Raymond says, I can't keep on punishing him and at the moment I think that subconsciously that is what I am doing. I guess as long as he's happy for me to read his emails and check his phone etc then he hadn't got anything to hide. Most of the time I don't feel the need to do this but just occasionally I have a weak moment where I get worried but have never found anything to worry about! Anyway, thanks again, sometimes it's just good to have other people's opinions.
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Old 1st May 2012, 07:11 PM   #64
Raymond
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Re: How do I trust him again?

Although we say the trust takes a long time to be built up I think it is important to have hope and not just put it aside as if it is never going to happen.

I think it is important that you wipe the slate clean. Real forgiveness says you don't owe me anymore and doesn't keep account. You will know if you are there or not.

He seems to be wanting to build up your trust of him again and that is good. I think you are both progressing in what you need to do. Him to restore the trust you to forgive, cease playback and not hold it over him forever.
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Old 1st May 2012, 08:20 PM   #65
Sillyman
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Re: How do I trust him again?

Hi Sammie,

Nice to hear from you again.

I admire you for at least trying to make a go of things. I totally understand your H's frustration - in his head I imagine he thinks he's doing all he can to put things right.

But he also has to understand that - as Raymond says - trust can take a long time to rebuild.

It's also probably very frustrating for him that he hasn't made much headway and his misdemeanours are being brought up again. But that is what he must expect from you - you have to be totally sure that 'lowering your guard' is the right thing to do.

I hope you can get where you want to go with this.

SM
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Old 2nd May 2012, 08:10 PM   #66
sammie38
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Re: How do I trust him again?

Hi SM, how are things with you? Nice to hear from you too.

I have just had another run in with my H and to be honest it's all driving me insane now. I mentioned in my post that there is another woman now in the company from the same country and next week he has to spend 3 days in her company and she will staying at a hotel near our house because they have to go to different places together each day. He hasn't done anything to make me think there is anything going on with this woman (girl if I'm honest), so why am I feeling so jealous and insecure? Am I going to feel like this about everyone he has to have close contact with?

I mentioned to him his flirting (he's a rep - it comes as part of the job) and he said that he knows the safe limits, that he made a mistake and when am I ever going to let it go. He also mentioned that he was sure I had a laugh and a joke with men at work so why couldn't he? He is absolutely right in everything he says, it shouldn't be one rule for him and another for me and I know that I can't keep him locked away and know where he is every minute of every day. What do I have to do to stop having these thoughts? I know that Chosen and Raylond have both said that trust will return eventually - even though it may take years - but at the moment I feel that I am driving a wedge between us and the way things are going it will be me that splits us up and not him.

SM - it's good to hear your opinion as you are the man that did the wrongdoing - does that make sense?

Thanks for listening - all of you.
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Old 2nd May 2012, 10:25 PM   #67
chosen
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Re: How do I trust him again?

The reason that you are feeling so jealous and insecure is because you dont trust him and that is normal in the circumstances. Why should you? he has shown that you cant trust him. Also I dont agree that he 'has' to flirt, no one 'has' to flirt. He needs clear boundaries in his job. If he is to be with another woman, then there needs to be another person with them, or a woman colleague should take her round.
I know people in different jobs who will never travel or spend time alone with a member of the opposite sex. There are ways round this. No meals out. No coffees out.

It wont be you that splits you up, it will be your hurt that HE has caused. This is why many people cant stay after an affair, because it damages the very core of the marriage and the intimacy. I admire for you for even being willing to try, I doubt that I could.
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Old 3rd May 2012, 12:59 PM   #68
Raymond
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Re: How do I trust him again?

The situation here is that we have a husband who has had an affair but is repentant about it and is trying to be as open as he can with Sammie and restore the trust. For us to say he cannot be trusted undermines the whole effort and undermines Sammies attempt to forgive, forget and to cease playback. For the marriage to be successful Sammies trust has to be restored. If we say he cannot be trusted what is the point of everything. Are we not adding to the fears that Sammie already has? I know of marriages like this that are restored and there is hope if everything that is needed is in place.

I think Chosen is right about the boundaries in relationship with the opposite sex at work. It is wrong to think that flirting has to be a part of it. That is asking for trouble. One can be friendly without flirting or giving women ideas about the other. I am sure that sorting this out would help increase the trust.
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Old 3rd May 2012, 02:12 PM   #69
chosen
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Re: How do I trust him again?

The thing is that he needs to do things that will help her to be able to begin to trust again. Visiting that woman in her country apparently after the affair had stopped was mad. Flirting with women at work is mad. These things will not enable her to trust again. There are things that he can do that will help to do this. He can avoid being in exactly the same position with any other women as he was before that led to the affair. He clearly has a weaknes so he needs clear boundaries to stop futher temptation. If that isnt possible in his job, then he may need to consider changing jobs to save his marriage.
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Old 3rd May 2012, 04:52 PM   #70
sammie38
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Re: How do I trust him again?

I understand what you're both saying but I really don't think he has a weakness. He said to me from the day I met him that he was cheated on when he was 16 and she broke his heart and he vowed he would never do that to anyone and that if someone else came along that he was interested in then he would finish with me first. Now I know that this didn't happen and I'm not standing up for what he did but at the time he was in a really low place, he'd been unemployed for just over a year and at last someone was believing in him and believing in the skills that he had and I just think he was vulnerable and she saw this vulnerability and took advantage of it. Every time we talk about it he says how he wishes it hadn't happened and he doesn't know why it did, he says he wasn't even that interested. I need to let it go and I would never ask him to leave his job as he is doing so well and has become successful and he enjoys it. I'm really hoping it was a one off but only time will tell that. I love him and I'm not letting him go, I've fought for this marriage and I will win!
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Old 3rd May 2012, 07:17 PM   #71
chosen
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Re: How do I trust him again?

I hope that you faith in him will be rewarded. He needs to do his part by having clear boundaries and not flirting or going out alone together with any other ladies.
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Old 4th May 2012, 08:43 AM   #72
Raymond
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Re: How do I trust him again?

That's a very good post Sammie. There is forgiveness in your words and understanding that should go for a lot to restore your marriage.

I am very happily married and always endeavour to be completely faithful but I was taken unawares a few months ago by a woman in the shower in the swimming pool. It really shook me and I could feel the temptation within me. I told my wife about it afterwards straight away. The thing is I wasn't looking for this. It just suddenly happened. Your husband was more unfortunate and fell it seems. There is a difference in someone looking for it and the situation where it just happens. I always thought I was invincible anywhere. I realise that I am not and have to guard myself like anyone else.

I think you have to continue with the trust so that he doesn't get discouraged. Forgiveness doesn't punish but wipes the slate clean. We all need that at times when we are sorry. It's part of life. I think you will get there.
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Old 4th May 2012, 10:14 AM   #73
Sad lady
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Re: How do I trust him again?

Hi Sammie

I know some of how you feel, as I found out back in September that 3 years previous my husband had an encounter with a colleague which should never have happened.

He, like your husband is very regretful and sorry for what he's done, and I know he's trying the best he can to make things right between us again.

Unfortunately it isn't that easy to forgive and move forward. Even though I know and can see how distraught he is about me finding this out about him, it's so difficult to put it behind me.

I so want to move on with my life and marriage, which has always been perfect and extremely happy until this incident, but now its eating me up. I have good days and even weeks and we have lots to look forward to, but I still hate what he's done to us. I, like you start to look at emails and face book, which to be fair he's given me access to, but then I always did have access to and never looked prior to all this.

I guess we are on a long road to recovery and we have to hope our men are up to it, because it isn't going to be easy for any of us.

My experience is posted on here from a few weeks ago, and it has helped me a lot to know I have some support when I need it.

Ok, I'm away to post my most recent feelings.

Good luck xx
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Old 8th May 2012, 03:27 PM   #74
Sillyman
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Re: How do I trust him again?

Hi Sammie,

Sorry for the delay in replying, been a manic few days.

Just to let you know how my thinking goes, and sorry if it sounds selfish at time.

The most pressing question in my head all the time is why can't my w forgive me?

I also always question how I would act in the tables were turned - and this may sound a bit self-righteous - but I don't think I would have reacted in the way she did. I would have at least tried, as much for our daughter as for our marriage.

But then I realise that she did what she did for self-preservation - how could you trust a man who had been so bloody selfish and stupid, and risked his family's happiness for what was essentially a cheap thrill that was never going to amount to anything?

I've got into an awful cycle of hope then having those hopes dashed - but that's not down to her, that's because I want it to all be better. But why would she risk it, not just for her sake, but also for our daughter's?

In your H's head I imagine he's thinking it's all forgotten - or at least will be - and you can move on from it. But that's your call. Perhaps when people say you can train your mind to live with these things, they're right - but it's your mind and you control it, so that's down to you I suppose.

And if he's anything like me, he'll realise what he could have lost (unfortunately I think I have) and try his hardest to put it right. Only you can decide if you believe him, but you seem to want to - which I must say I admire you for.

As for me - no change. We're still in the same situation we were - been separated 16 months with no sign of any changes. We're friends now at least, and our daughter knows she has both her parents around when she needs/wants them.

Divorce has been discussed, so it's down to her now. I still think it's the wrong thing to do - but have accepted it, since there is nothing I can do to change her mind. I hope she does have a change of heart, but really don't expect it.

SM
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Old 9th July 2012, 09:35 AM   #75
sammie38
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Re: How do I trust him again?

Hi everyone, I feel I'm only on here when something goes wrong and for that I apologise. I need some help please and I don't know what else to do. It's been over a year since I found out about my husband's EA but I still don't trust him and I don't seem to be any further on. I check his emails constantly and question him all the time as to who he is with and where he is when he's out with work and quite frankly it is driving both myself and my husband mad. He hasn't done anything that I know of to justify my insecurities and there is never anything in emails apart from work so why do I persist in checking? My husband asked me whether it was because, deep down, I don't want to be with him anymore and I am looking for a reason? This definitely isn't the case, I've thought about this myself and I know I don't want to separate from him. We had another row about this on Saturday night and then a long chat followed, understandably he is at the end of his patience with this and I need to know how to stop myself checking up on him and ultimately trying to control him which, after a great deal of thought, I think I must be trying to do. I think I read his emails because I want to know what he's doing and with whom, all of the time he's not with me, but why? He doesn't read my emails or question me all of the time. I think I am so scared of being hurt again I feel the need to control, which incidentally doesn't work and I know, in time, will only succeed in pushing him away. Any advice would be gratefully received, particularly if anyone has been through a similar situation. How did you learn to trust again?
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