Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  

Go Back   2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums > General > Helpful Tips

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 16th February 2011, 01:25 PM   #46
john45
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

me and my wife had the same issue were i wanted to masterbate and not have sex. i couldnt explain why my mood was turing off but we went to counciling for it and westarted to introduce different things like role play,dress up,and spending more time hugging kisses and being spontauis

Last edited by Dave; 16th February 2011 at 07:16 PM.
  Reply With Quote
Old 21st February 2011, 04:06 PM   #47
walshy2
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 2
Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

Hi, sorry to here your problem or should I say his! It looks to me he has addiction to masturbating to porn. I think you need to have a serious talk with him, and concealing might be the way to go.

Hope you get things sorted.
walshy2 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd February 2011, 01:03 PM   #48
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 5,902
Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

What do you mean concealing?
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th April 2011, 07:32 AM   #49
carla
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 1
Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

Hi all

I have come to this site to try and find some answers. We dont make love as often now and I have found that my husband is masturbating, in the shower, before work, when I am not here.

He had an affair 10 years ago, it was a pretty torrid sex thing with a young girl half his age. He did say at the time the sex was amazing!!

A couple of times recently he has called me by her name and I am just wondering if he is mastubating whilst he is fantasizing about her?

I dont think he is playing away again as we are always together , but he is very distant towards me and I dont feel the closeness anymore we used to have.

I do feel betrayed when I know he has been masturbating. I know its a man thing but it feels like I am being cheated on

I am geting to the point where I want to blow this up in the air, have my say and clear off.

I want to be loved and feel loved at the moment I am just watching a looking for clues when he is doing it and I feel this is taking over my life.

I really would appreciate some advice.
carla is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th April 2011, 08:38 AM   #50
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 5,902
Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

I have heard and read about this before Carla. Some men are capable of fantasising in their minds and doing solo mb with it. I would say it is a form of mental adultery if the fantasies are about others. Do you know if he ever uses porn from the computer? Even if he doesn't this can be quite potent because of his imagination. I think that any sexual fantasies should only be about our wives and not others. That would rule out solo mb as if she is there in flesh and blood what is the point? This is more potent than some realise and can lead to wrong actions in some cases.

The only way around it would be for him to correct his mental habits and not indulge it. It is a diversion of the normal sexual drive and can be addictive. It is hard to get good advice on this as many say it is harmless when it is not. Until he knows it is wrong it will be hard for him to get the motivation to stop. You are not the first to mention this. It has been a feature on the sexless marriage thread.

The problem is that it is all in his head and there is nothing definite to prove so it will just be a case of him being faithful to his conscience and beating the problem.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th April 2011, 10:58 AM   #51
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 4,060
Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

I Agree with Raymond.
The affair and now this, are deely hurtful to you. Has he properly repented for the affair and done all that he can to gain back your trust? MY family are full of people cheating, including my dad, and my husbands ex did this also and I have seen how destructive it is. Telling you the sex was amazing was also deeply hurtful, incredibly insensitive, and wrong.
I can also understand how hurtful it is also when you are there and he still masturbates.
Its like a rejection. His sexual thoughts and energies should be focused on you and you alone. I do think you need to talk to him about this.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th April 2011, 12:39 PM   #52
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 5,902
Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

Reflecting a bit further on this; the fact that he called you by her name Carla by mistake might indicate that he has not repented of the affair and that she could still feature in his sexual fantasies. It seems that he may have a real problem and any indication that it is a man's thing is a cop out from the sexual faithfulness that should be there.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th April 2011, 10:48 AM   #53
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 5,902
Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

I think it is a growing epidemic as well Tammy. Sex was meant to be in marriage not out of it, including mentally. Your post underlines this only too graphically. From the post it appears that men can become animals when the healthy sexual drive is diverted away from it's legitimate expression in the marriage bed.

I once heard the analogy that one has the fire in the fireplace (marriage). Have it anywhere else and it burns the house down. Hasn't God already shown this in the scriptures?
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th May 2011, 03:56 AM   #54
1aokgal
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 1,976
Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

Thanks Tammy for the article above.

This article rather illustrates the hopelessness of the problem without long term psychotherapy.
1aokgal is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 21st May 2011, 10:28 AM   #55
Chamomile
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 816
Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

There was a program on tv last night (could well be a repeat) re. m****n addiction in a couple of British Men.
They were going to the US for some special therapy. I didn't find the topic interesting enough for me (in fact, it's so GROSS) so didn't watch it till the end.
Chamomile is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th April 2012, 06:30 AM   #56
goldenlady54
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 1
Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

I haven't been intimate with my husband in 5 years (and counting). We've been together almost 29 years; and he has a diagnosed problem that causes this problem. His medication was recently changed, and he will spend all night masturbating. Then come to bed in time to wake me up an hour before I have to get up to go to work. Prior to that, we were dealing with erectile dysfunction; or some times he said he just wasn't interested. In order to insulate my feelings, I had to close myself off, or I would drive myself crazy. So now, the reason why we have no intimacy, in his opinion, is my fault. I miss the intimacy yes ... but I refuse to set myself up to 1) have a failed attempt; or 2) have him fall asleep. Can't do it anymore. So what do I do now?
goldenlady54 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th April 2012, 07:58 AM   #57
1aokgal
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 1,976
Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

Dear Golden Lady54...

You have my great sympathy for loss of intimacy in your marriage. It is his problem, but it submerges most of the joy that could be there for you if you worked to change the situation together. Unfortunately, that behavior you describe is likely already set, and addictive for a man. That means there is no acknowledgement, on his part, that there are other ways to bring sex into the marriage. Intimacy might be somewhat better by various treatments. There are pills, penal implants, and other apparatus, and sex can still be fulfilling for you if he would choose to explore the options. There is also sex if he put other parts of his body to the task.

Masturbation is a selfish, infantile way to handle his own release, with no though to how he robs his partner, psychologically, emotionally and physically. It also becomes addictive for the man and it is always available. The more he uses this sexual method, the less sensitivity to your touch, and to any coitus in the marriage. MB robs the man of his performance with his wife and sets him up to complete reliance on self stimulation. He also probably uses porn to bring th eadded dimension to fantasy of other womens' bodies. Not easy for a wife to compete with 20 year old scantily clad porn models in the hard core mags.

I know well what you deal with as it began that way in my marriage 20 years ago. So I live in a 20 yr time sexless marriage devoid of intimacy. We are married now 32 years. Since the celebacy is not of my choice, there is anger, resentment and one becomes...shall we say it..a bitter person, unless you have a lot of coping mechanisms. One can have an affair or other other non-gratifying modes. It is quite terrible to lose intimacy with a man who verbalizes his love, but leaves a wife to rot in the sun, so to speak. Personally, I know the rage, sadness and emptiness that comes after you are robbed of a normal marriage.

When a man meets his own needs, he will always fall back on that method. It is easy and always available. Why should he exert effort to exert himself for another, when he is all self reliant! I practised salavation for myself when I made him comfortable in another bedroom a few years into this situation. My husband did not have ED, he simply chose his own way. I read numerous books on the problem and according to experts, even with long term psychiatry, men with this problem generally do not change. Most don't acknowledge there is a problem. The fact is ..they have no problem. It is a narcissistic tendency and most of these men have lived their life pretty much the same.

One thing you should never do is to accept the blame that one may feel you have done something wrong as a woman or a wife. It really has nothing to do with you! So don't internalize that you are not attractive enough, sexy enough, slim enough..because none of that seems to matter.

A woman will take out some self-punishment because one does feel the rejection and the loss. What a woman in such a marriage has to do is decide whether one stays married and if so, how you deal with what is usally unchangeable. The drinking, eating, smoking and other behaviors is not the way to deal with the problem.

You must find your own way to do things that are rewarding, bring peace, and some measure of happiness. I paint, sew, stay close to family and keep busy. I made sure I made him comfortable in another bedroom years ago. That is my space, and I will choose not to share space with someone who has rejected me as a woman.

I don't feel judgmental to a woman who chooses to have an affair under such conditions, but most feel the loss of emotional outlet more than loss of the sex. If there is a sin, it is for a man to steal the intimacy from the marriage. When a woman loves that man, it is an even greater hardship. You will have very lonely years unless you take control of how you live with this problem. I doubt your husband will change because this works for him.

It is very hard to see some of your best and most attractive years become empty and devoid of passion. So you must find passion in ways that you find fulfilling. If you find you can't live with this man than it may be time to say the marriage is broken beyond repair. If he is unwilling to get counselling and work to change things, before the pattern is too ingrained to alter. I offer little encouragement because generally such a marriage is like two people living separate lives.
1aokgal is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th June 2012, 01:54 AM   #58
chris1729
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 15
Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

1aokgal: great answer, well expressed, clearly coming from years of experience and from a very mature lady.

I would say, though, that a *small* amount of masturbation within marriage is OK. It can help when sex drives are mis-matched: and they nearly always are.

Reading this forum confirms my view that a mutually satisfying sex life is essential to marriage for nearly all people.
chris1729 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th June 2012, 01:03 PM   #59
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 4,060
Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

Chris I agree with you. Its makes such a difference.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th June 2012, 10:08 PM   #60
1aokgal
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 1,976
Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

Hi Chris..

I think men rely a bit more on masturbation overall as the instrument is so external and quite an unusual toy. I see no problem in masturbation unless it supplants a partner and robs a man of interest to have relatioship with his spouse. The truth is often that a man begins to rely too much on that method and, since the stimulation is better self adminstered, he can become fixated on that method.

Women are usually too busy and not manufactured toward self pleasure, unless that is a fill-in for where there is absence or unavailability of a coitus partner. It is a pretty narcissistic behavior. Personally, I think women prefer a love relationship over physical gratification. Maybe women select to put gratification on a back burner and for men it is more a necessity? Men are physical, women are cerebral perhaps.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 28th June 2012 at 04:35 AM.
1aokgal is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
None

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is Off
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 07:58 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright 1999-2014 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer