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Old 24th March 2012, 11:11 AM   #31
Raymond
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Re: brink of seperation

You have many strands going on here Jan. Your baby being awake at night isn't helping. It's great that your mum can be a little help. I know that your husband has faults. So have I and so have you. Although your counsellor sounds nice I don't think it is helpful to say what would you change about your partner? As you say they have good points too that we need to be reminded of. A lot of marriage is about acceptance of the other in spite of their faults as we would want to be accepted with our faults. Not that we don't try and change but it isn't the others job to change us by pressure or control. My wife is a night person and I am an early person. She is trying to change herself because she admits that a lot of the late time is wasted when she goes past a certain point and sometimes she hasn't the discipline to go to bed. She is a lot better now than she has ever been without me saying anything. She struggles with things that are natural for me but it works the other way as well and I may be struggling with things she takes for granted. We are supposed to be a team in the end.

It's good that you have acceptance of your husband in spite of things that you would change and also that you are encouraging him. Maybe words of affirmation may be his love language and you might be able to do a lot of good using that. He must know that you need rest and probably battles with his priorities but I know that you cannot force it.

I wouldn't try and do too much. He must accept your limitations caused by not getting enough rest. He should be able to see that. The baby is important.

Healing might be a battle sometimes but don't give up your faith that God heals and wants to heal. It's part of His nature. I don't think we can treat Him like a vending machine though. If we cultivate relationship it will be part of it to be healed. His word doesn't lie. It's great that you are continuing praying. One cannot underestimate that. I am sure that God will be working in your husband answering your prayers although he has freewill whether to respond or not.
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Old 24th March 2012, 05:15 PM   #32
MC123
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Re: brink of seperation

The biggest turn around for me was to validate and affirm what my H was doing. I underestimated how the lack of affirming words was not helping our situation. I have realised that for H, it was important for him to know that I wanted his help and that I understood he was doing his best. Now, he is more likely to help as I am encouraging rather than critical.

It sound that affirmation is your husband's love language too. Could your husband make one of the nights he goes out for you and the family? My H was abroad alot for his work for the first year and also working shifts. When I was able to have a couple of hours 'off', I never tried to sleep because if I did I would only sleep when my two hours was up and ended up being more tired and cranky. Instead, I took myself off to have a bath, walk or read. I was still tired but less stressed.

My marriage was going through a crisis seven months ago, at the beginning I was very impatient and did not think my prayers were being listened or answered, today I can see great improvements in my situation and I continue to prayer that this is the case. it is always very hard when a new baby arrives as emotions, hormones and tiredness are all conflicting with each other.
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Old 24th March 2012, 07:26 PM   #33
Acaciatree
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Re: brink of seperation

Hi ive just joined. I am sorry I've gate crashed don't know what I'm doing :/
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Old 25th March 2012, 09:36 AM   #34
Raymond
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Re: brink of seperation

Hope you find what you need Acaciatree.
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Old 28th March 2012, 06:38 PM   #35
jan2012
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Re: brink of seperation

hi...
just checking in to say thank you both for responding... i have read carefully your posts and they have helped a lot! it helps to keep reminding myself that we both have faults and need to accept one another as we are - i need to start with this. Like your wife Raymond, i really struggle with things that my husband finds easy and no bother in life, and its hard because he just wants to get on and do things and sees my struggles as 'always obstacles in the way'. but we are getting through by learning to compromise on both parts! and understanding each other a bit better.
Affirmation is one thing that i can take action to do and think it will really help - im already seeing the benefit of this as ive been encouraging him in his studies and generally being more interested in them, and he is responding well.
MC im so glad you were able to figure out how to make a difference. you are right about trying to sleep in the house it would be so hard and i would go crazy trying - i have earplugs and all and still i can't! a bath or shower/pamper time is a much better idea and makes you feel nice and refreshed afterwards.
Acaciatree, hi don't worry about gatecrashing, I hope you are ok
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Old 28th March 2012, 06:43 PM   #36
jan2012
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Re: brink of seperation

just to add..i think its hard as he expects much more from life in general than me at times. for example.... if we have some time, i will be happy to go a nice walk where we live. he will want to go driving somewhere else to walk for a change of scenery (even though we have a beautiful walk by our house and rarely walk there) Another example if he goes out with his friends he'll never just want to meet for dinner it will always be dinner, movies, take out... it has to be all or nothing. whereas i would be happy to just do one of these things. i think we have different expectations, and i know this is normal to want all these things but the reason i find it hard is that i can't keep up, and no matter what i do or what i give i feel its never enough. but i do feel part of the general discontentment is a bit to do with depression...he says he gets his energy from being out and about and around people whereas i get it from having downtime. this is true. anyway .. just musing here
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Old 28th March 2012, 08:57 PM   #37
Raymond
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Re: brink of seperation

I'm tired now and may come back later Jan. Wednesday is my swimming night and I give it my all while I can.

Just to say it seems that you are classic extrovert and introvert. I am an introvert and understand where you are coming from. Extroverts get their energy from others. Introverts get it from being alone or downtime as you call it. It doesn't mean that one doesn't like people it just means you need time alone as well. We have to cope with the temperament we have. I can understand your husband a little better now. He will need people and get his energy from them whereas you will get it from being alone. I think understanding your temperaments will help here. The danger is that he might expect you to be an extrovert when you are not and try and make you be like him. It won't work because you are not made that way and he has to see it and accept it. You are not letting anyone down you have to be yourself. Yes there will be times that you can adjust a little but you will never be an extrovert. Both temperament have their advantages.

It's great that you are encouraging him. I think you are hitting on something here. It might well be his love language and he will feel love from it in a special way if it is. The book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman calls it words of affirmation.
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Old 3rd April 2012, 06:08 PM   #38
jan2012
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Re: brink of seperation

ah...i wrote a reply to you a few days ago, and my computer (or me) lost it!
anyway, how are you, how was swimming, im glad you have an outside hobby to do thats great.
you are totally right, he is an extrovert and i like going out but not all the time, and prefer smaller groups of people when i do. he is the opposite. i like routines and planning, he likes being spontaneous and just doing what he feels like when he feels like it. i find all of this very hard - we both do, but with the counselling im hoping we can learn to meet in the middle.
the last while has went from bad to worse. things did escalate between us to the point where there has been arguing every day, and ive been very upset most days. im struggling now with depression at times and confidence, and still don't sleep at nights as the baby is going through a very demanding stage re to nights. im emotionally and physically drained, im not keeping on top of house stuff and don't have motivation. i know this is because of ongoing conflict.
we have missed counselling for about a month and are going back tomorrow. it will probably make us feel worse after as it will bring up these issues but we need to keep at it.
the main issues for me are his total disrespect in the way he speaks to me. he speaks down to me, cuts me off, cracks up with me, for trivial things and i can't put up with it anymore but i don't know how to stop him, ive tried talking to him over and over again. i don't want my daughter growing up and knowing its ok for woman, or people in general to be spoke to in this way. part of it stems from his family as they all just say whatever they think, yell, if someone is doing something they think isn't right they will tell them they are stupid etc- whatever, with no thought of being sensitive or consequences.
anyway thanks for listening to me rant. i know i am at fault too in my reactions at times, but my patience really is running out. i need more strength from God.
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Old 4th April 2012, 08:55 AM   #39
Raymond
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Re: brink of seperation

You do need strength from God Jan. Are you able to have fellowship with others? You both have a lot of adjustment to make but it is hard for you to do while he is acting as he is. Sometimes the enemy can work through our faults if we let him. It is one thing to be entrenched in our faults and think we are right. It is another thing to humbly recognise our faults and endeavour to change. Faults do not disqualify us from love. Like us all there are obviously faults in him that he doesn't see yet and will certainly not listen to you about them. The counselling will help him. Your marriage needs to keep facing the music and getting through what is actually going on. The enemy loves to wreck marriages and he needs to see that as well as you.

The main thing for you just now I think is to get enough rest and build up your faith. We don't want to see you depressed. Try and spend time with God and in fellowship. He sees your problems and is an ever present help in time of need. In the early days of my marriage I used to use scriptures like love your enemies to get though what was happening in my marriage. We were both adjusting to each other and we had our arguments.

Maybe him and his family are proud of speaking the truth and being straight but if it is not done in love it can do a lot of damage. One has to hold back pointing out peoples faults. It doesn't achieve anything if it is not done in love with a desire to help. Mostly we need to hold our peace.
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Old 4th April 2012, 06:03 PM   #40
jan2012
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Re: brink of seperation

Raymond what you say is full of much wisdom. thank you for sharing it with me.
i just ordered a book someone recommended, 'Loving against the Odds' by Rob Parsons. i know God is challenging my character and i want to grow spiritually enough to love him even when he has hurt me or is annoying me etc... i know i have a lot of growing to do, and whatever Gods purpose in my life i want to accomplish it. but i know i can't unless my character seriously improves and God must be using my marriage for this.

Fellowship is so hard at the minute. its hard going to church as i breastfeed the baby, i can't get to meetings at night as thats when i go to bed to catch up on sleep. there is an early morning meeting and i would love to get back to going to it, i really miss and need fellowship. i feel out of Gods house, and a lot of it has been to do with how unsettled things were at home. it takes confidence to get back....i don't have much of that at the minute. but i am seeking God in the mornings and thats a start.

counselling went better than expected today. she used a talking and listening exercise to help us discuss things, and it was much much better - we actually listened and understood one another rather than ranting and raving over one another for the first time, because it was all slowed down, and it was moderated!

anyway... im off to see to the baby! i hope you are having a good day. God bless
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Old 4th April 2012, 07:49 PM   #41
Raymond
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Re: brink of seperation

Just back from swimming again as it's Wednesday so will be brief before I sink into this gorgeous tiredness where I sleep like a log.

It's wonderful that you want God's best in your life Jan. If you keep that in front of you you will certainly have it. It is good not bad. The blessing of the Lord makes rich and He adds no sorrow with it. The only hindrance is us but we can get there slowly. Nothing can rob us of His presence. I wouldn't say He hurts or annoys. It is true that we can suffer in some circumstances and He can use that to shape us but basically He Himself is a blessing. He can help us through what we are going through.

Funny about breastfeeding. There was a south American lady who slipped out into the foyer and was happily breastfeeding with no sense of embarrassment. Obviously cultures are different. I think we are designed to have some fellowship and lift each other up. Just a brief glance at the epistles shows that, but it shouldn't be a pressure of course, just a provision.

I'm glad the counselling went well. That is hopeful. The very fact that he goes shows that he wants answers as well.

I think the little you do is good. You are seeking God a little and trying to get rest. Both profitable things. We are vulnerable when we are too tired so it is spiritual to get good rest as well. Work is healthy as well and of course adequate downtime.
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Old 16th April 2012, 12:40 PM   #42
jan2012
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Re: brink of seperation

hey
how are you doing? hope you are enjoying the swimming do you swim outdoors or indoors? i live in the uk it has to be inside!
about the breastfeeding - i have never seen anyone else do it in the foyer and just would feel too self conscious. there are a lot of people in the foyer all the time. soon she will be able to go to the nursery at church and that will be easier.

we have had huge problems the last week or so. i am getting to the end of my tether! he doesn't ever want to be left with the 'responsibility' of the baby, he wants to just go and do 'his thing' whenever he wants, he does not want to support me in my health problems as they are 'destroying our relationship' because i can't do certain things and social activities like he can eg being out a lot. he says he is fed up with my health problems now, he thought i would have been better by now, and he does not have the time to put his life on hold for health problems. the whole conversation upset me so much i ended up walking out for an hour and in tears - when i came back he said nothing, he just is so insensitive and uncaring.

am i just supposed to live like this until things change? im breaking down constantly because of hurtful things said/done, he apologies and says he really does care and will change, then repeats the process. he never supports me in my hard times.

am i supposed to keep forgiving over and over, drain myself in everyway and put my daughter through this? i mean how long do you work at it for..... i just have so much doubt each time it comes to a head.

im reading 'loving against the odds' and its helping. im so tired from it all i cancel my plans and am sat in the house upset....and this happens on a regular basis. i just don't know what to do anymore.
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Old 16th April 2012, 06:54 PM   #43
Raymond
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Re: brink of seperation

Hi Jan. He seems to be taken up with his plans and what he is doing instead of spreading a bit of love your way. He must be told somehow that you are not able to keep up with his extrovert social life and that you must be allowed to be who you are. It is getting bad when he says why aren't you better yet as if you could control it. Doesn't the counsellor bring this up? He needs to learn to love with no strings attached. I know it is difficult but he must start somewhere. Okay he needs a little rope and freedom but you also need his love and help, especially at this time.

Does he go with you to church? I was the least qualified to give love having been brought up as an orphan, but church was where I learned everything about being a good husband. When you are accountable to Christ you have a conscience about these things and know that it can affect your relationship with Christ when you are not being loving. We can all be what we couldn't be in the natural with His help. I have proved this in my life. I don't think I loved anyone but myself at the start. When we realise how much God loves us it has to overflow. Keep praying for him. These things can be worked with His help.

Yes you do need to keep forgiving because God has forgiven you. It is hard to have God's forgiveness if we can't forgive ourselves. I know it is easy to see the other's faults and be aware of what they should be doing, but you must resist any manipulation or control. You can say how you feel in honesty. Rather than saying you always you could say I feel this or that. No time is wasted as a christian if you are looking to Him. Something is being worked out even if it is in you.

You must resist any domination or manipulation also. That is not what being subject means. It's more about keeping the unity but not at that price.
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Old 11th June 2012, 08:33 AM   #44
jan2012
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Re: brink of seperation

having a hard time of it. been trying to keep up with him - and been giving him time to go out whenever he wants to. baby not sleeping at night and for example last night i was up all night with baby, asked him for help in the early morning and he started on me. i ended up taking the baby after an argument. then he says he was angry cos he was tired and took it out on me - and if i had any sense i should understand that when people are tired they get anoyed. im just so upset. how long do you stay in a marriage where fundamentally there is a lack of respect? in the way he speaks to me? sure there is always going to be times he's tired, stressed, etc. does that mean ive to always be spoken to like this and let my baby hear it as she grows up? i wish i knew the answers. he's now getting his 'rest'.
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