Living In A Sexless Marriage

[1aokgal]

Dear Stephanie...

I did read your long posting. You have a lot of stuff locked up inside. That poison needs outing and we can listen. The patting/pawing bit..that is CRUDE and no way to get around it. I would probably want him to pull back a bloody stump of hand.

That is also way to be a naughty little boy and maybe he thinks you like that? I had a similar performance from my classy husband a few weeks ago. He pushed against my rear end..dressed..but I thought a guy who has no performance for years was offensive to me as he is imaging anal sex. Get offa that! I told him plainly..do NOT do that again. If you think we are going to @#%&@ it is not going to happen. I wondered if that was the only way he could get it up or what.

Like you I am pretty disgusted with the level of intimacy in my life. If I were you..and your age..you should not have to work so hard or labor so hard to get this thing called life moving. The "no sex before marriage' was in some ways admirable but set you up for failure. You would not buy a car you did not test drive? Maybe you thought that was guarantee a marriage? If you ever get out of this one..... and I think you should get out of this one...rethink that position.

I am the big one on here to advocate making a marriage work. In your case I would say there is no spiritual love and no physical love. In short, you have no bricks to build the house. In my situation I HAD a good situation and his job (obsessive/devotion to it) was where he invested the sexual energy. He was always gone 6/7 months a year gone. So I am set on some personal improvement as working out and getting in shape by one size. I will work on the wardrobe and such. I bought a killer dress and will wear it for me..not for him. My man is totally complimentary and kind but he let the intimacy die. He took me as a guarantee. Now I love him..he is a good person BUT I now have a problem to be attracted to him.

I still think he is the smartest guy. He totally captivates my friends. He is all european and charming. Too bad he forgot to sweat on sundays with some great sex. I missed a lot and somehow don't miss him as much any more. Maybe that is an angry phase? I want him to put the new bilge pump on boat tonight. He will be gone for a week and I plan to put to sea for some day cruising.

Lovely at the marina. Hate that crude comedian, Kathy Griffin..but she said the other day on a routine she searches for a new man and "at least his d.... should function". In your case I think you cheated yourself on all fronts. A guy in his 30's with 4 counselors? Get out when you can. He will never be right and if you spend enough time with that ..neither will you.

[Bambar]

Hello again, everyone.

The most recent posts, from Stephanie's first one to the latest, seem to show the truth of Bear's ancient & wise saying, "We are all related".

All of us share at least some of the experiences described; the loneliness, the revulsion at the crudity of a crass sexual overture without any attempt at real intimacy, the self reproach at our own lack of success in handling the situation. We know the pain of lost hopes & have regrets about the path not taken. We accommodate, rationalise & excuse the behaviour of our neglectful partners, who, whatever their admirable qualities, do not have our best interests in their hearts.

We question our own judgements, our own worth, make unfavourable comparisons between ourselves & those who appear to be so much more successful than we are in their personal lives, & feel gratitude because things could be worse. We take comfort in the knowledge that our experiences are more bearable than those of others & take a kind of perverse pride in keeping the secrets of our partners as if they were our own.

Most of the time we veterans of the sexless marriage, such as Bear, MarriedLady, AOKgal, Survivor & myself develop coping strategies which have varied levels of success. We distract ourselves with work or hobbies, devote ourselves to our children, homes, pets, & friends, in other words, do anything we can to avoid the feeling of deadness AOKgal so accurately describes. In our bleakest moments we think of the red flags we ignored, as MarriedLady did, & question our own ability to develop "normal" relationships again. In our best, we congratulate ourselves at surviving this unhappy situation & conducting ourselves in a dignified manner.

We go through various stages in our attempts to deal with a sexless marriage. Our emotions range from the depths of depression to the heights of rage & few of us manage to keep our self-esteem intact. We are linked by feelings of fury & disappointment, of confusion & anxiety & we repeat this cycle again & again. So often we feel we have our emotions under control, then something generates another wave of anger or depression & we are on the roller-coaster once again.

We make allowances for our partners, citing their illness or unhappy childhoods as excuses for the way they treat us. We are startled when someone shows an interest in us & feel undeserving of flirting & fun. The truth is, we spend too much time concentrating on what might have been & researching explanations for the current situation. We are all with partners who may be generous with their time &/or money, may have accepted the "baggage" we brought to the relationship, or have any number of admirable traits, but fundamentally, they care more for their own needs than for ours. Those of us who have any kind of sexual contact with our partners often settle for second best (if we are lucky!), "having sex" instead of making love.

What we don't do enough is to seek what is best for ourselves. We are so busy looking after everyone else, protecting them from the real or perceived harm that an unbalanced relationship can cause, that we collude with our partners in neglecting our own needs. We all know there is no single solution to the problem but whatever strategy we use, whether find ways of tolerating the situation so that we stay with our partners, or take steps to forge a new life, we should be brave enough to permit ourselves some healthy selfishness.

I try now not to spend too much time in analysing the reasons why & how I got here, but aim to take positive steps to give myself the care & attention I deserve but know I will never get from my partner. Too much introspection makes me wallow in a mire of regret & self-recrimination instead of taking charge of my life & learning to hold up my head, delight in any compliments I'm lucky enough to get, & plan a better future for myself. That is my personal coping strategy & with that & the support you all give me here, I feel more capable now than I have done in years.

My best to you all.

>I try now not to spend too much time in analysing the reasons why & how I got here, but aim to take positive steps to give myself the care & attention I deserve but know I will never get from my partner. Too much introspection makes me wallow in a mire of regret & self-recrimination instead of taking charge of my life & learning to hold up my head, delight in any compliments I'm lucky enough to get, & plan a better future for myself. That is my personal coping strategy & with that & the support you all give me here, I feel more capable now than I have done in years.<

Bambar,

You have such a Gift of wrapping all of our Thoughts&Feelings up in a perfect way that makes so much sense!!! Bless You***

I Love your Coping Strategy...we have to take back what is left of Us and go forward to become the Woman we were meant to be~ No more;could've,should've,would've...

[looking towards retirement/survivor]

Hi Everybody,

Stephanie - Welcome.

My teenage daughter and I were talking one day, and she suddenly tearfully said, "You know, I don't ever remember seeing you and dad kiss". And it felt like I had been punched in the gut, thinking that this was how she saw me as some cold unloving woman (though I have always been affectionate with my kids). I wanted to scream out loud that this is not who I am, it is who I have become because of this relationship (or lack there of). But all I could do was tearfully state that "this wasn't what I had hoped for".

We, women with children, always seem to be striving to do whats best for them. We try and try, but sometimes like that saying of not being able to "see the forrest for the trees", maybe we don't give our kids as much credit as we should. Kids are very resilient. Whereas my kids know that their father has had very little involvement in their lives by his own depressive workaholic choice, they still will voice their love for him. That in itself is more than I have mustered for years and years. You can't have love without respect, and that went out the window long ago.

I stayed in this marriage out of fear. Fear of having been through a divorce when I was younger. Not being able to support my kids. Doubting that I could make anything of myself. Has it benefited anyone? Not my kids, who will never know how loving I can be with a man. Not myself, turning fifty, overweight from stress eating, and resentful up the wazoo. (not sure of that spelling).

If I had to do it over, I should have left him a long time ago. If nothing else he would have been forced into spending more time with the kids through scheduled visitation. But I let all my fears or lack of faith in myself keep me here....and now here I am.

I don't know what the future will bring, but I hate having the feeling everyday of my life that I wish I could change the past and present.

I wish you , and everyone here, the best of luck in whatever we all decide to do.


Perhaps someday we should decide to publish all our posts as the "silent voices of the hidden many".

Night.

[1aokgal]

Ladies I read and reread the latest posts and see how between us we are all the same in the many stages of grief and coping with life that is ours. It is incredible to realize we are sisters riding the train to hell. Each of us may be in a different emotional stage of this phenomenon of a sexless marriage but we each are in the same rut.

Truly, it has been better for me to share with you. It is true we spend a lot of time doing research or reviewing in our minds how we got to this space. I found a few sad moments when my friend and I had lunch. We spent a bit of time to discuss my situation. She radiates the self esteem of a woman who glows from secrets she shares in her bedroom life. She envies my lifestyle and fact I write the checks while her husband has her on an allowance. She is rather like a blonde ditzy type, but charming.

I think she enjoys to be the confidante and hear of my shameful secret here. It equalizes the playing field and gives her a smugness. Or is that my own
psyche feeling tender or envy? She thinks I am a heroic woman to have stayed. Either that or very stupid.

One day I told my daughter who is divorced she will marry again. She said "never.....look how your life turned out." In other words, she has no faith at all in her ability to find a good life shared. That is sad that I gave her such an example.

Yes, we do spend too much time in the today feeling all those emotions. There is a bleakness that each day is the same and then you die. It is my intent to concentrate on making thing's better and getting some better quality in life. I do think my husband tries to reconnect with me at least verbally and in gesture.
It is also true there has been so much damage done I may be incapable to enjoy any attempt he makes. That is a stage of the co-dependent relationship. One pursues and one runs away. Then they reverse roles.

Married Lady...good luck in what we do , you said. Most of us will DO nothing. We will stay and take more of the same but perhaps we are less dependent on HIS decision and make a few of our own decisions. Some will feel better about themselves, some will leave who are younger and some will get in better shape for confidence and take a lover. This sounds like a PLAN not dependent on our partners. I hope we each consider the options and realize we owe no man loyalty for a wasted life.

When did it become so complicated just to love and be loved? I feel very connected to you all. Bambar, we love your summary of our feelings. We all could write a fantastic book on the subject of this thread, right?

I Love sharing with all of the Beautiful Women here...it has helped Me clear my head. Even some of the painful posts have helped...the funny thing was when that guy attacked my words he in some way also stated how I felt!

We are sliding back into the Best Friend mode...I felt a little angry going to bed last night after he had fallen asleep AGAIN*

This morning I come down to a Beautiful dozen hot pink roses...and Dunkins coffee! The Roller Coaster ride begins....sad*

Next week he's on vacation...I'll see how it goes...I'm going away for2 days with my sisters...a comedy club and night over in a swanky hotel~

Thank GOD for Mothers,sisters,Girl Friends***(((HUG)))

[1aokgal]

Bear......

Yes, women can be very nourishing. The posts here diminish pain and puzzle of the issues. There is also a humor for instance in your words, Bear, you mentioned being attacked here. It was hurtful to you at that time as the words were clearly misunderstood. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus says the book...how true.

The words in that post written from a male point of view were these : "to treat us as substandard human beings". Then he wrote, " many of us may not be as sharp intellectually as you women but we eventually catch on." Do these statements describe a substandard human being or just a man? I think these feelings are shared by many men married to real competent, intelligent women and the bedroom is the battleground. I withhold what you want. I may not balance the checkbook but I will make sure you know who has the dominant role.
Are we engaged in the battle of the sexes?

I spoke of a friend who lives a totally old century marriage. He has her on allowance as I said. I asked her if she was going to take her car for an oil change. She said I have a husband and a son to do those things. She will not even fuel her car. She has no idea how much money her husband makes in his business or anything about accounts in her house but she has a vibrant sex life at 60. Would I change places with that? NO,NO,NO.

I said to my husband yesterday if this women's husband drops dead she has not got a clue how to live. My husband said .."Neither would I"...meaning him.
I bought the house, cars, boat and write the checks. He has not got a clue about any of that. I do all financial dealings and I prepare the taxes. It is true I better make a folder for him or he would be overwhelmed. Who is dependent on who? My friend once told me she needed her husband but I did not NEED mine. That is true. I think there are many women more suited to the details of keeping accounts. I take care of the retirement planning and figure the advantages. I bought/sold investment property. He is very smart..just not in that way.

It is a team effort as he does his part but there may be a component to this problem as with the other man who clearly is uncomfortable/dislikes women.
Feedback?

Have a great weekend.

I think you may have something there...I too handle everything in the house...I've bought both cars,and without my credit history we wouldn't have a house~

Maybe the bedroom is where he can be in control...that may be some of it~


Check out this article...

http://www.webmd.com/sex/features/sex-drive-how-do-men-women-compare?ecd=wnl_sxr_062207

[Bambar]

Hello all,

Thanks so much for your support, Bear. I've found reading our posts & discussing this subject frankly with all of you one of the most useful ways of coming to terms with the problem. Knowing that all of us have gone through similar experiences & felt the same range of emotions has helped me to rise above the feelings of isolation I previously found so hard to bear. Summarising what we do has strengthened my resolve to stop acting as if this life is just a rehearsal for the real thing. You are so right to indulge yourself with your friends & a comedy club is the perfect way to forget the current problems for a while.

Like Survivor, I have regrets about the past, but am determined not to waste any more time & emotional energy on them, preferring to try to make the most of the present in the hope of moving towards a happier future.

Maybe someone will write a book based on our experiences one day. What a subject for a best-seller! There are certainly more magazine articles being written on the topic now, but none of them seem to deal with it in more than a superficial way, I find. I'm sure we could do a more comprehensive job ourselves.

AOKgal raises the very interesting & controversial point of the balance of power between the sexes. I often wonder if "weak" men are attracted to "strong" women & vice versa. It seems to me that some women feel obliged to take on some of the traditional male roles in the face of their partners' idleness or what I have come to call "studied incompetence". I really don't mean to denigrate the male sex as a whole, but I have often observed that while some of them can show great skill & competence in their chosen fields of interest, they become incapable of managing those things which they find boring or too challenging. Those dull tasks are left to their partners, which, in turn, leads to women developing the ability to "multi-task" because we have no other choice if our lives are to function at all smoothly.

Which of us would change places with the ditzy friend on a long term basis? We would all like to have a share of her sexual confidence, but would we trade that for our practicality & financial competence? Maybe we would at times but it's ahigh price to pay.

So where does that leave us? Forced to accept that life isn't perfect for anyone, I suppose, but surely it is essential that we can all live up to our own standards, & maintain our own self respect. Can it really be right that such warm, loving, competent, dutiful women are somehow unconsciously repelling their sensitive partnerswho feel undermined in the face of such power? Do we have to feign the sort of 1950s style of relationship shown in old TV shows to "earn" the right to a satisfactory sex life? I had hoped we had come further than that, but maybe I'm wrong.

As for the minefield of parenthood, which one of us believes we could not have done it better? Hindsight & our children themselves will confirm that however hard we try, we can never do everything right for them but they really are resiliant & cannot be allowed to blame us forever for how they conduct themselves as adults. AOKgal & Survivor, you should not reproach yourselves for failing to show your children the example of the kind of affectionate parents found only on Walton's Mountain. Who knows what reproaches there might have been if you had shown such affection for your husbands that the children felt excluded? It all goes to confirm the old adage that "a woman's place is in the wrong" !

The hardest thing for us is to draw the line between accepting a reasonable level of responsibility for ourselves & our families' welfare & assuming guilt for all that is wrong in our & their lives. It is a tightrope we walk with varying degrees of success, more often than not veering towards the "guilt-assuming" aspects of our personalities.

If we really believe we are "on the train to hell" it will be so much harder to start the journey towards a more optimistic future. Accepting that we are all fallible beings, influenced by our experiences, upbringing, background etc., but ultimately only totally responsible for ourselves alone, seems a good place from which to start.

[Bambar]

Advice needed please, everyone.

In my present situation I'm really not very good at going on holiday with my husband & I really struggle to cope when I have to do it.

When we're at home it's fairly straightforward to potter along, living a sort of parallel existence to his. We're both hard workers but he is self-employed & likes to work every day, usually about 14 hours through the week & around 6 to 8 hours at weekends. I work shorter hours but do all the domestic stuff once I'm home. Since he's an Olympic standard snorer & stopped being interested in having any kind of sexual relationship 18 years ago, we've had separate bedrooms for years.

Holidays prove a great problem for me in several ways. Going back to places where we went when he did show an interest in me brings back memories which should be happy, but are painful when I consider how things are now. Seeing affectionate couples relaxing & evidently happy together makes me feel envious & nostalgic & I just run out of things to say to him when we're forced to spend so much time exclusively in one another's company. The other major issue is that we are not used to sharing a room now & after about three days of sleep deprivation (for the wrong reason!) I become very bad tempered & often risk having "the talk" just because I can't stop myself. Buying an extra room just for the sake of my sleep is a very expensive option we can't always afford.

I resent the fact that for years he would not fly, so we took identical holidays by car, to self-catering places, usually in France, where he could enjoy gourmet restaurants but I still had to do all the other domestic stuff I did at home while trying to amuse two young boys who were, at that stage, interested in more boisterous activities than fine dining. We've since done some city breaks in hotels, but until this year I've been too unfit to walk around much & appreciate them. I could cope with just a few days away, perhaps just a long weekend every so often in some part of the UK we don't know, but if we stay in this country my husband feels he should be at work.

So, on the whole, I'd rather just avoid holidays altogether. He has no siblings or friends to go away with & will not go without me, though I'm such a poor companion. He works so hard that I feel guilty if I just refuse to go altogether, so I always say "yes" then regret it later.

I've been trying hard to be more tolerant lately & had been off work sick for so long that now I'm back I have loads of annual leave to take before September, when the new leave year starts. We have a week booked in Amsterdam soon with our sons (& an extra room for me, so diplomatic relations should be OK) & I found a folk music festival my husband would like at the end of July, so booked that weekend away for us, after consulting him, of course. After all, he's the one who said perfectly seriously, "You should have told me if you wanted to do something spontaneous".

He's really pleased about the folk music weekend, so when he told me of a country pub we used to go to years ago, saying it had been renovated & wondering what it is like now, I suggested we should go out there one afternoon to see for ourselves. Needless to say, I got the usual reply, "I haven't got time". He did suggest we might be able to go in a few months, but I couldn't help pointing out that it would be after I'd used up all thisyear's leave & that I was only asking for an afternoon of his time.

I suppose that's the real focus of my grumble. I don't have the courage to leave & if we are to continue living together, feel I should try to do things to make life more pleasant for us both. I know we're past the stage of having any level of intimacy, but thought that at least we could spend a civil time together doing things we'd both enjoy. I keep things going on the domestic front, make the meals he enjoys & take trouble to relieve him of whatever burdens I can. Sometimes I don't really know why I do it.

For some reason, little rejections like this one seem to assume a level of importance which is really out of proper proportion. They recollect all the times I was rejected when I made "romantic" overtures to him in the past & they undermine the efforts I'm making to redeem my self-esteem. Worst of all, they make me feel as if I'm wasting my time more than ever when I make efforts to make this situation more tolerable for both of us.

Has anyone got any bright ideas for me?

[freecloud]

I can't believe I found this thread. I was to the point of desperation in looking for answers and actually googled "marriage without sex" to hopefully find something I've missed over the past years.

Imagine my surprise when I found a thread full of ladies who are telling stories that mirror my own. Thank God! I've read these stories and actually cried in empathy and frustration.

I've been married for 12 years to a man that I'm incredibly attracted to. The first few years of our courtship were fantastic. Sex with him was thrilling and still makes me smile when I think back to then. I felt desired and loved and so very feminine. Naturally, all of that has changed and that's why I'm here.

After we got married, our sex life became practically nonexistent. At first I tried everything, thinking that I wasn't fulfilling something he wanted. It seemed that the more I tried, the more he rejected me. Soon we didn't have sex at all unless it was oral sex for him, which he was quite happy with. But he didn't even attempt to satisfy me. Eventually, when we did have sex, it was over in five minutes and he had barely touched me.

So, long story short, I spent the first couple years of our marriage trying to better myself so he would find me attractive. My self esteem was the lowest it has ever been. My self worth was shot. And I hated myself for basing my life existence and self worth on sex. I felt like a complete idiot. I went through a time that I felt dirty for thinking about sex. I kept thinking back to when he made me feel so beautiful and constantly wondered what I did to change the way he felt about me.

I cried, I reasoned, I begged, I suggested counseling, I asked why so many times it's embarrassing. I tried thousands of times to have a conversation about it on a level that I felt was a safe environment for him to discuss it. At one point he actually told me that I need to find a passion for something else in life and stop worrying about sex so much.

Finally, after about eight years and 50 pounds of weight gain, I let it go. But it gnaws at me to the point that I'm actually hostile and fuming for days. I can't tell him why anymore....why beat a dead horse? My daughter is at the age where she sees this hostility and feels the tension in the house and often asks me "what's wrong?" She's ten years old and way too young to understand - not that I would ever feel comfortable telling her anyway, no matter what her age.

My husband is an excellent father and good person all around. Besides the lack of a sex life, I have no reason to leave him. And in all honesty, I don't want to. I'm still incredibly attracted to him and spend so many nights in tears that it's not funny. In fact, it's humiliating.

I hate the idea of spending any time alone with him because I know the cycle will start all over again. The strange thing about our sex life, or lack thereof, is that he's more than happy to accept oral sex from me....but he barely touches me. I've talked to him about being gay and actually told him at one time that if he is...please tell me and we'd work something out. But unfortunately, it's not that "simple." I almost wish he was gay so there would be an obvious reason for all this.

I'm not looking for advice...I just want to share my story with people who can sympathize. It's not something I talk about to anyone as I'm too ashamed to do so. I'll also be turning 40 this year, so this has kind of taken on a new meaning for me. I look back over the last 12 years and feel like I've wasted some of the best years of my life with a man who doesn't appreciate me. I just wanted to feel desired.

So, thanks for listening and sharing. It's been a small comfort to read that I'm not alone.

[marriedlady]

freecloud
I am going to give advice and my opinion since you are here. Stop giving that man oral sex. What a selfish ba*tard he is. A taker and not a giver and not only that he has made you feel like its your fault all those years. I know I am in the same boat lack of sex. But I say diet, get good weight again, I bet that guy will worry . He is not worried because you have lack of self esteem and gained weight.
Sorry for being rough but do not service him. Thats what you are doing, I would tell him if he asked where the bj's went, tell him out the door with our sex life.
JMHO just my humble opinon.
You are too good for this man!
Do you think he is seeing someone? Since he accepts your service means he has needs and can get an erection.

You are way too good for this man. I bet you work, cook clean, keep house , make his food and he does nothing but accept. Am I right?
Will post more later I gotta go out.

[marriedlady]

oh and if your a few pounds overweight , you are still you and special. Lose the weight (for you) you can do it and find someone who appreciates you. You have to be young to only have a 10 year old. Don't waste your life.

[freecloud]

Hi Marriedlady,

You're not being harsh....you're absolutely right. That's one thing I cannot stand about the situation I'm in. I'm constantly negotiating, making things right. Putting myself second to keep the peace. Analyzing everything to find out what went wrong.

Yeah, the bj's have left the building. It used to be something I loved to do for him when we had sex - kind of a give and take thing - but eventually it was a take only thing for him. It made me feel worse in the end and I finally gave up on that.

As far as having an affair - no, he's not. Of this I'm 100% positive. I've done a lot of checking into this at length and there's nothing going on. Again, I almost wished there was so I could say "aha! Now get out!" and have it be all of his fault instead of my own.

I don't think it's my fault anymore. I'm just tired and feel empty. I honestly think that if I lost the 50 extra pounds, he'd still pay no attention to me. And then I'd have something else to cry about. I did join a gym and Weight Watchers. The fact that I'm turning 40 this year put a lot of things into perspective. I need to get my life back.

[1aokgal]

Dear Freecloud...

I am a few years older than you but I could turn you over my knee for being that guys receptacle. Honey, get your senses together and DO NOT let him use use you to service him. This guy is a selfish pig. Why have sex when you did the deed for him?

You stop hanging yourself up about what is going on with him. Is he gay...is he just mad as you gained weight...what did you do wrong? Do you see this is abuse plain and simple........ just like he punched you through a wall? You would get over a black eye but he is destroying your soul.

Dear one, you are precious in God's sight and no one should be treating you like this. The problem is these men are so screwed up they get your love and then throw scraps. We think we are worthless by then and not worth more.

I post here and you read them. Do we sound as happy women? The only happiness we have is that when we take back our own identity. Are you asking why he is this way? Who cares what is HIS problem or why he does this. Don't waste your time on this. You got YOU and your daughter is getting her directions for her future life from what she sees you do. You are not an extension of him..you are You.

Please get yourself to the gym or get a walking program going or work on your own personal grooming and well being. If the weight is an issue so you feel better than try to work it off. We all do this...it is called in psych terms,"introjected anger" or self love. Food helps the gnawing feeling of anger and stress for the short time you eat it. This actually means that we were brought up to not express anger. We were taught it is unacceptable for women to express anger. We are nice little girls. So if we DID express anger here we would scream loud enough to wake the dead. Bet some of us have to admit we have visions of our mate dropping off a building. Maybe we sometimes feel suicidal so he would feel bad. That is so sad someone can do this to another.

This is a terrible situation. Many of us googled our way right here with you to deal with the grief that the one's we love hurt us. We hurt very bad. So now you must heal yourself. Love yourself first...more than you love him. Find yourself again. Test your talents and get a network of friends who get to lunch or go to gym. Some of this cycle means these men isolate us from family/friends as they have few. These are sick individuals who don't know why they they are twisted. The longer you accept this treatment the more disabled you will become.
There can be a day when you cannot even function in a relationship as you have no confidence.

I would give him the news ther BJ brigade is FREE to do other things. He can go to counselling, go get a checkup and see what is going on BUT do not have high hopes for him because this is a very strange malady. This can pull you down into the whirlpool of getting hopes up and then more of the same. Try to do what is best for you without concern for HIS problems.

Make plans for yourself to get functional financially and work wise so you have the tools you need to make the best decisions for your future.
We care about you and hope you are OK.