How do you start 'the' conversation?

Hi all,


I've already started another thread regarding the state of my marriage. And have got an agreement to, but not a date for the 'let's discuss things' talk.

So the reason for this different thread is although I've trawled through the forum. I'm struggling to find any ideas for setting the right mood, as it were.

My ideal scenario would be to be nowhere near the kids. Nowhere near the family. Somewhere neutral. And although being a bloke, somewhere we can express both our emotions honestly and properly without needing to look over our shoulder... Oh, and the phones switched off!





Any suggestions would be welcome.

[Kate]

Dear Woodsie,

I've just been reading your other thread and catching up on your situation. You've both had a tough year and not been able to find ways to comfort each other in the midst of things. What comes through is that perhaps you have judged that by doing practical things to help that was what your wife needed. You haven't felt appreciated for that and she hasn't realised that it was your way of supporting her. In terms of understanding some of what has been going on there are a couple of tips, one on meeting each others emotional needs, one on showing love and one on destructive behaviours, which might be worth reading before you talk together. There may be things you want to ask your wife's forgiveness for and things you want to thank her and affirm her for. No, I'm not ignoring the things she may have got wrong, but you can only take responsibility for your part and put that right.

As to where to meet, you could consider going out for a walk together. That can give you privacy if you choose the right place to go - not the best time of the year for it perhaps. You could stay at home and get the children farmed out to friends or family overnight. If you do that one, you may need some ground rules about switching of phones and mobiles, how long you will talk for and where you are going to sleep. You may also want to agree to not pressure the other in anyway. If you want to get complete privacy you could go to a hotel. You could book a double and single room so that you had privacy to talk, but then agree without pressure on what the sleeping arrangements were. I think the ground rules are important, and perhaps having a simple goal eg to find out what it's been like for each of you this year. You might also have some ground rules about how to communicate eg only use I statements, no blaming each other for how you feel, (eg When you do that I feel... not, you make me feel..), option to call "time out" for a fixed time if things are getting too heated, taking turns to speak and listen so each gets a fair time to speak.

I hope some of those may help you to negotiate some time together to talk things through. Don't try and make any big decisions, just try and understand and comfort each other and then make a new time to carry on the conversation, when you've had time to reflect.

I wish you well

Kate