What Goes Round Comes Round

i feel really wiered writing this, there r alot of people here that have problems yet i created mine myself. i had an affair five years ago, i met the man on a course, i fell hoplessly in love with him to the point of being stupid, i was a bit of fun to him so the affair was up and down. i asked him to tell me he didnt want me (to help me let go) and he couldnt, for some reason he couldnt let me go. Eventually his wife found out, she kicked him out, i left my husband which at the time was what i wanted cause i desperately wanted this man. i was hearing little things like he was taking his wife out for meals to ask her back plus i saw him with love bites which broke my heart, we argued terribly. eventually i went back to my husband who couldnt forgive me and got violent, but despite everything i still loved this man, again i left my husband and went back to him. things were rocky with interfearance of others but things improved, we moved in together and eventually got married, we still had ups and downs and now despite still being so in love with this man, every day is a nightmare. i dont trust him, sometimes i feel like i really hate him, i constantly go over the bad times in my head, i check his phone, his pockets, his car, yet he treats me so well, he takes care of me and does everything for me. we have about one big arguement a month (when my hormones take over), he knows i dont trust him and walks on egg shells with me and sometimes i feel so sorry for him but still i cant get rid of the bad thoughts. most of all im frightened im going to live the rest of my life feeling this way and what makes it worse is that i know its my fault and i deserve it. can i ever learn to trust him and get on with our lives or do i end a marriage that perhaps should never have been?.

Maybe you feel this way because your relationship was started on dishonesty in the first place. Things seem to have moved really fast for you in the second relationship but did you and your first husband ever sit down and address why you had the affair in the first place? I know he got violent with you and perhaps it's good that you got away but it may have got violent because of unfinished business with him before you started another relationship.

You may need to really take time out by yourself to review what you want from this current relationship and how if at all you can move it forward without the suspicion. Is there anything he or you can do to build stronger trust? You'll only know the answer to that once you've had a good think about it.