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Old 22nd October 2009, 04:09 AM   #66
mmh
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by lilybloom View Post
Oh my gosh I am so relieved I ran-across this forum. I am at my wit's end with my husband's confusing sex drive. We have been married for 21 years, after only a 6 month engagement. I was 21 when we married, he was 30 and had been married before (once). I was so young I didn't know what a healthy sexual relationship consisted of. At first I thought everything was normal...his infrequent sexual appetite was puzzling at times, but I just thought that I was the abnormal one for wanting it more than he. He also has a problem with sexual performance - this is very hard for me to say - but he isn't able to control his sexual climax. At most he lasts for 15-30 seconds. I'm sorry if this offends anyone...I just don't know how else to say it.

Again, I was so young and inexperienced that I thought that sexual intimacy once or twice a month with a duration of 30 seconds each time was normal. I never felt satisfied, but I thought it was me. After a while I educated myself and found that at our age we should have been intimate more often. I would initiate, he would either say he was tired, or it would end with PE. I encouraged him to get help. He was offended, and would go into denial about his problem. This went on for years.

Finally, about 10 years ago I told him that I couldn't go on like this. I was going crazy - I thought I was the reason he didn't want to have sex so I was exercising, dieting, even resorting to cosmetic surgery to make my body more appealing. I was clinically depressed with very low self-esteem, and so so angry. We went to marriage counseling, but he always seemed to want to blame me for his PE. This was so confusing as I've never been critical of him, I try to reassure him that he is a wonderful man, I take really good care of myself (I have been told by many people that I am very attractive), I wear the latest trends in clothing, I'm intelligent and formally educated with a master's degree....I try to be the best I can be. I also work to contribute to the household income.

So the counseling didn't work. I finally placed an ultimatum: Get help or I am going to move out. He went to a different counselor who told him he may have an anxiety disorder. He left the counselor's office and never returned. His ability for denial is legendary, obviously.

Well...I never did move out. I started a new job, and he all of the sudden insisted that we build a home in an affluent part of the city in which we live. He started buying me expensive jewelry...he's always been a good provider, and has always given me the sweetest gifts on my birthday, etc. and sometimes "just because" gifts. Amidst all of this change I didn't have the heart nor the energy to leave.

Now we are going on 22 years of marriage and nothing has changed. He complimented me on my looks earlier tonight. I replied with "well...maybe we can have some loving later if you would like that." He said "sure, I'd like that." Then he immediately got busy doing things around the house. That was six hours ago. So here I sit in my pink nightie in a chair three feet away from him in silence while he watches television. I am angry, frustrated, depressed, and so so lonely...any suggestions?
I felt as if I was reading about my life! I have already posted my situation, so I won't go into all of it again. But, I'm ALWAYS the one having to initiate sex with my husband. Although I, too, have been told that I'm attractive, I've never had high self-esteem. So my husband's disinterest makes me feel even worse about myself. He refuses to go to a doctor or therapy. I, too, have threatened to leave, but still stay. When my husband compliments once in a blue moon, I'm tickled to death. I get compliments throughout the day at my job, and although these make me feel better about myself, it's my husband that I want to impress. But nothing I do seems to make him want me physically. I don't know what to do. I've come out and told him that I'm unhappy, and he just changed the subject. I don't think he realizes how unhappy I am. He also does not address anything, but seems to think that if he does not have to talk about a problem, it will go away. He's making it very difficult for me to love him, which makes me sad.
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