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Old 23rd October 2009, 08:48 AM   #74
Ageing Grace
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 738
Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Hi, MMH & Amber

No, it's not horrible of you to seek the validation you need by dresing up for work! Sad that you need it so badly, but that's not your fault ... it's actually healthy to know you can attract admiration at will

MMH: Since you are a therapist, it'd be interesting to know your thoughts about your husband's passive aggression? What you said about his ceding all responsibility to you upon marriage makes it look like he could be a classic case. In a textbook, he'd be acting out some historical fear & resentment of women (not you in particular, just your bad luck). Of course there could be other reasons for his behaviour change - I'm thinking of my Aspie ex - but passive aggression seems to fit your bill so far.

Since it isn't your choice to be in charge of everything, I really think you have to do something about the imbalace of power, rights & responsibilities within your relationship. It may not fix your sex life - but it will, at least, alter the dynamic between you for the better and, more urgently, mitigate your own feelings of resentment. Can I suggest it's time you booked yourself in for an assertiveness course?! Either with a colleague or with yourself, as long as you start putting it into practise ...

Amber: You are suffering spousal abuse in so many ways. Your husband is a bully. Frankly, I think your sex problem is the least of your worries right now - although I'd suggest he's using his preference for porn as yet another means of putting you down. Grrr.

Being nice to bullies doesn't work. You have two choices (other than quitting). You can fight tooth & nail, or adopt a calm & dignified stance - in which you simply don't respond to his negativity. That is, respond if you like but only in a clear and practical way. Did you read Yogamad's thread here, entitled "My husband hates my family"? Her current thread shows just how far she's come, in the space of a few months

For both of you, the sex thing seems to be part of a greater and more pervasive problem in your marriage. It's not as if the whole thing would sort itself out, if only you had a good sex life - unfortunately

Please look after yourselves: especially Amber, you need to get back to church and work on your self-love. I wish you all the best - if only I could travel this particular path with you in person (I've had so much experience with bullies, blast them!). Virtual hugs will have to do for now.

AG xx
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