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Old 22nd September 2010, 04:12 AM   #2021
Dakereb
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Re: Living In A Sexless Marriage

Bluebellatina, what you describe of your husband tells me he has a very serious addiction. An addiction like this is very hard to overcome, and I believe it is simply impossible to overcome without professional help.

It is likely that he does want to get rid of this addiction, but his poor hygiene tells me that he is depressed, probably because he has a low opinion of himself due to this addiction. He is essentially locked into a pattern that leads to further self-loathing, which makes it ever harder to break free.

You cannot change him. Only he can change himself, and unless you are a trained therapist, there is nothing you can do for him. So what do you do now? One one hand, I believe you are obligated by marriage to see him more as a human with a disorder, and less as a demeaning, self-absorbed narcissist. Since you are his wife, you are one of the few in a position to offer sympathy. But sympathy is NOT acceptance of the aberrant behavior. It does not mean you have to allow it to ruin your life. You also have an obligation to your kids to raise them in a healthy environment, and it appears that he makes the environment less that healthy. One day one of the kids will catch him in the act, or find pornography in the house or on the computer. This would have lasting negative effect on them and their relationship with him.

I know that as Christians we believe marriage is for life. However, I have always struggled with that idea when faced with circumstances such as you describe. Where is the line between our obligation to our marriage and our obligation to ourselves? Are we required to sacrifice our well-being in order to fulfill out commitment before God? God's ways are not man's ways, but is it a sin to end such a marriage, or is it a sin to fail to address your own well-being? Are you enabling him by shielding him from the consequences of his actions by staying with him? Would not the more humane thing to do in the long run be to allow him to suffer the consequences, thereby motivating him to finally get the professional help he needs? Does this mean thatthe moral course of action is to leave him? Perhaps so.
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