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Old 22nd September 2010, 03:39 AM   #2020
1aokgal
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Re: Living In A Sexless Marriage

Hi Bluebellatina..

You are wise enough to realize a pattern set for so many years is unlikely to changed with threats on your part or ultimatums. Those would be empty words for a woman to say "I'll leave if you don't..." I know because I said those similar words. I made all those moves..the tears, coaxing, flamenco lessons, diets, sexy moves and clothes and even to point of saying," be with me tonight or I leave this room with that man over there."
Yes, I said all that. Would I have done that? Unlikely. That would not be my style to harm myself to teach him a lesson.

When one has shared a history 20+ plus years, children and years of the type of emotional abuse which has been heaped on your confidence, your sexual identity, your feelings as a wife and woman..there is not leaving you can do. If there was a great looking man waiting in the wings, a woman who experiences this treatment has no ability to crawl between the sheets and let the natural occur.
Even if she has no conscience to be with another..too much damage has been done.

That is where you are now, dear, depressed, and angry, angry, angry. I would say rage is an understatement! Hate is a fire that burns from within. You hate him for the cruelty of what he has done, to the promise that was your life. Of course, I understand. I am there..... only older and far removed from where you are today....further down the road of life. There is no alternate plan.

Now I think you are wrong to demean and belittle when the man is down. That is not kind of you and reflects on you more than you know. It will hurt you more to pay him back..you won't like yourself for that unkindness. My husband may recover in some months and return to a job that keeps him gone most of the time. That will relieve me of some of the thoughts I have similar to how you feel. You wish he would rot in hell for the travesty of a marriage where a man prefers self manipulation to being man. Truth is..once a man is into the porn as he is..there is little desire to be "normal." The stimulation with actual sex is less than he can accomplish by himself. It is what he is used to do. Horrible, isn't it?

So this being said, dear lady, get off the pity party and work on your own interests, abilities, diet and exercise and beauty for YOU. Do not burn with hatred or wish him worse than he has in the illness. That just is counter productive to you.
Now ..you simply do NOT have to put up with dirty or less than reasonable hygiene on his part. You have a machine? Throw clothes, bed linens in the wash. Put out fresh for him. Tell himm..change his shirt, change his drawers..TAKE a shower! you stink..your feet stink..your body stinks. Here is a bar of soap. Here is the lather for a shave. Do not do things so personal you have to deal with his private parts. If he can lift it.....he can clean it.

I did not have intimacy with my husband for 19 years. That was by his choice. So, I do not help him with his illeostomy or intimate tasks. If he has a problem..that is his problem. I won't ask for his intimate help ever. That is how I feel about it. If you are putting up with nasty hygiene then you need to work on your nastiest most confrontive style to turn that around.
It is not the time to bring up your elephant in the room, lack of sex, though...do you think? That is just not a way to peacefully co-exist. There may be a day in the future when he drops dead and you will go on with your life.

I disagree with fact you "don't cover up with him with family and friends." If you have let that out of the bag it has less to do with truth and more to do with paying him back with exposure. It is about you being the victim and showing him up. I say it probably was a poor idea. Believe me, I thought many times to tell his mother..your sweetie masculine son dosen't make it in the sack with his wife! I think though it would hurt HER worse than it would look bad for him. While she might feel sympathy for me, she would also feel very uncomfortable to know this about our bedroom. I think these things belong in the battleground of your home and not bring in extra players. There also is no way children should be given this info unless it might be an older daughter you feel close to. It is just too much info.

My best friend knows this and two men friends who know me well and don't know him. One man met him briefly. I know a lot about their lives and wives. it was a point
I confided for feedbck not for sympathy. One was good to talk to because he takes a male point in how I must feel. We only discussed this one time and never again. No, there is no agenda or relationship here. These men are happily married and younger.

This problem requires years of psychological help for a man. He has to want to change. That is not the case in your marriage or mine. Stop stewing in anger..it will make you sick. Turn a terrible thing into a good thing for you. Go back to school when you can.....take up a hobby..love your animals and children. Sorry..so sorry this has happened for you.
Your Friend

Last edited by 1aokgal; 23rd September 2010 at 07:37 AM.
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