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Old 1st April 2005, 05:23 PM   #18
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

I really feel for both you and your husband as we were in this same situation just 3 years ago.Like you , I moved in with my husband many years ago, when I was 21, I had come out of an abusive marriage which I had been in since age 16 and had a very young son under 2 at the time.My ( 2nd ) ex husband was a rock for me, we had been friends for many years and he offered me and my son a safe home with no strings. However after not very long it became clear that his feelings were much deeper than mine and he started to press for a relationship, which I gave into, and then marriage. Sadly I have to now admit I married him from gratitude and not love, he knew didn't love him, but as in your case was convinced the love would come in time. It never did, at least not the passionate love one should feel for a husband , more a sister / brother feeling on my side.
We stayed together for 18 years, with me feeling a sham and eventually numb. During this time I had an affair with a man I was very much in love with and became pregnant, when my husband found out he begged me not to leave, saying he would bring this child up as he had my first, as his own. My step mother was dying of a particularly nasty cancer of the spine, my dad was in pieces and I was trying to support them whilst suffering very bad morning sickness that made me feel ill all day.
Eventually I gave in and told my lover I couldn't leave, the end result was worse than I could ever have imagined, my lover committed suicide, the love of my life died because I felt beholden to a man I could never love but who had saved me from a life of abusive hell.
Our son was born with autism 4 months after his dad's death and for the next few years I was numb, looking after my sons took all the energy I had and my marriage limped along.
One day when my youngest son was 10 , I took a step back,and started to really think about my life, my 40th birthday was only just over a year away and I realised that I was being unfair to my husband and myself, preventing both of us from finding true happiness, half of my life had already passed and I didn't want the last half to pass in numbness.
I left, it was hard, the children who by then were 19 and 11 came with me. For the first year my husband was in a terrible state, but although it hurt to see him that way, I knew deep down I had done the right thing for both of us, I should never have left it so long, never maybe have married in the first place.
My ex has a new partner now who loves him as he deserves and he and I are finally what we should have stayed. Friends.
Had I been strong enough to make this decision earlier a life would have been saved and we all maybe could have found happiness. The adage that you only live once is one by which I now try to live, if only I had realised this sooner.
I wish you luck and hope you can be strong enough to do what is right, for you, and for him, whatever that may be.
I would just like to add that my present relationship is far from perfect, but I do love him , and having that has made me realise just how much life I wasted .
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