Hunnymunster

Hi
I think I wrote a few things back to front in my post, firstly my husband who died 18yrs ago yesterday drowned in a scuba diving accident, he ran out of air.
The man I married was a member of the same diving club as my first H.
The policeman was a very respectable bloke and neither of us had the wrong intentions and I promise you we lived our friendship honerably as best friends and nothing more. We kept our feelings to our selves until he himself found out his wife had,had an affair and then he told me his true feelings.
It wasn't long after that I found the first email my now H sent to meet a random person for sex!
It was then he offered to find me somewhere to live with my sons somewhere safe , but as you said, as much as we felt fir each other we knew it was wrong and it could never work .
Yes he did leave his wife but he had lots of reasons and we thought our joint situation would one day make us a couple but we never got the chance as we both had too many morals . Due to my situation and trust with men and as much as this man would wait till his death bed for me , it could never be and probably he truly is/ was the one and only person I should have had my life with.
Ni my present H hasn't had treatment, he seemed to have settled down this past few years, I think he has found his outlet for his frustrations in his secret life. My gut feeling is his secret life which seems to now have a pattern I feel is how he diverts his frustration and I never put myself in a position of an argument , the last time was 2 1/2 years ago .
Please don't think his behaviour was daily or monthly, it was always at times of stress, not drink induced , but at times I would tackle him over things and slot was going on.
He was very easily upset but since his first affair 7 years ago he seems more in control and I dont confront him.
I have started to see s counsellor to regain my selfworth and get things into perspective, she was sad at my story but it feels unreal when I tell others in a way I feel as though I am either exaggerating things or telling lies .
I am sorry if any of you think I have misled you, I haven't , but I guess it probably changes your views of my thread Help!! About what I should do about his last affair Snd my revelations , you see I didn't want to be seen as the victim
And if I ever mention to my H about his affair he always brings up my friendship with the policeman, to divert the conversation and as a way to say I have done the same.
I know for certain I haven't had an affair and yet I find myself being branded by my H as though I had, I am guilty of having a life friend who I met before my H but he has told people I have had an affair fir years and because he wanted to protect me from my H when I first left him, as I was scared fir my life, he made people believe we were having an affair !
I guess due to the lies told about me my H wants to hide behind my blame to cover his affairs and it worked. Even though my friend Snd I lost contact 7 years ago apart from bumping into each other at the gym or supermarket , my H brings up the subject as though he was still my friend .
This is why even though I found the posts my H wrote in 2008( I only found them this year). Talking about himself and his girlfriend and he denies it, part of me questions wether he us lying or not, having not been guilty yet been told I am and knowing I am not makes me question everything like a lawyer!