KCB

Thank you both for your supportive comments. You are so sympathetic and kind. I am finding it hard to understand why my wife could have married me so happily a year ago and gone off me so quickly. And what's even harder is understanding why she seems so reluctant to give it a chance.

She has apologised for her affair, says there wasn't sexual intercourse (but there was everything else) and it mostly happened on a work trip when she was away from me for ten days. What hurts the most is that it seems not to have been a frenzied, passionate liaison in the heat of the moment, but that they slept several nights together and cuddled in bed, which in a funny way (is this a typical male way of thinking) seems even more intimate. She says she is sorry and has ended the affair. But she accepts she is still in love with him.

Our therapist says we're working on "strategies you can take back into your marriage" but my wife seems hesitant to do so. Last Saturday, in the spirit of that advice, we spent a few hours together in the evening in the name of dipping our toes in the water to see how things were. We both agreed afterwards it was a lovely evening. But in therapy afterwards, my wife brought up some things I had said that evening which she felt were manipulative, trying to win her over in a conniving way. And I was trying to do anything but. I was just being nice to her but she thinks I'm being tactical. I don't want to be tactical or manipulative, since that would just add another knot of falseness and deceit to this already tangled web.

We were going to spend some time together tomorrow, but she's decided not to. She has a big day at work on Monday and she says she needs to prepare for that on Sunday. Unfortunately this involves her spending the whole day with the other man. Even if nothing romantic happens between them, it's still another day with him, and no time with me. So I'm not getting a chance at all.

I am trying so hard not to contact her in a needy, emotional state because that won't help the situation. I am also trying hard not to be cold to her. But I'm hurting so much. She says we'll continue going to therapy and that I should "trust the therapy to help us find the right path for both of us".

Am I right to be worrying about her spending time with this man? Should I trust her? She has always been completely honest before. I feel like I don't know her any more. Should I be trying to forget her? Should I try and force myself to gradually pull away?