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Old 16th April 2014, 08:36 PM   #28
Raymond
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Question for men - I would apreciate your candid opinion

Quote:
Originally Posted by edgya1234 View Post
Yes but:
1. Those are the insights that my subconscient revealed to me now - two days ago, while talking to you guys I thought about so many things. I was ashamed to talk about this before.
2. The psychotherapist I went to was a woman and although very qualified she had on little defect - she knows us both - and she chastised me for doing not having sex and she said just do it... and I couldn't
3. While I was not able to let him touch me we were having other issues and at that time I thought is because of that.
4. I realized now looking back that he is kind of lazy in general and he did not tried too much. He just told me few times while we were in bed and than stopped trying and I felt stuck. There were times I kind of wanted but I was too afraid of being rejected and did not say anything.
5. I remember now in the first years he told me once when we had a night of sex that married couples don't do this all the time.
6. Also in the previous years he let me initiate sex or ask for sex and he initiated himself when I was vulnerable like: when I was drunk, when I was sick, when I was half asleep, when he did something very bad and I was crying.

If I think of this it seems almost as he was intimidated by my status of a tough business woman and waited for me to become vulnerable. I also remember his mother telling me when he got home after his first week together that he said something like"I've meet a very beautiful woman I like very much but she is so out of my league".

Thanks Raymond, you are really supportive and your insights really help.
It appears to me like your feeling of rejection was getting in the way Edgya. I have the feeling that you sometimes read rejection when it is not there. Probably because of your past.

We are all damaged people so whatever his faults are or yours it doesn't really matter so long as you are both growing together. You had something together and you can get it back if you both want it. We all have intrinsic value and a crumpled up £10 note is still worth £10.

I feel you have to accept him as he is and he you. Neither of you should try and change the other but if you have love for each other you will both grow. Mother in law must be kept at bay of course as you don't need that control in your marriage. If he doesn't want to stay married there is not much you can do about it but you need to make sure it is not his mother orchestrating this.

I would say it is touch and go regarding this marriage. It really depends on what you both want in your hearts. Being a refuser doesn't help a marriage but you say he wasn't really trying so maybe your initiating would have helped there.
I would start maybe by explaining to him what you have said to us and be honest and even vulnerable about your problem of rejection and that you were not really rejecting him and explain that it's just a problem you can have. Even ask for his forgiveness if you can but don't grovel of course.

If he is open to mending things that should open the way for him to support you both as a married couple. At the moment he is certainly not living as a husband married to you.
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