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Old 25th February 2012, 07:27 AM   #2
1aokgal
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Re: bipolar, an affair and baby!

Dear K...

Welcome to the forum. You have been through some difficult times. You were with him a long time knowing he had a chemical/emotional problem. He was so irresponsible during the manic phase, you said, he had an affair. It sounds as if this went on for a time and you knew nothing about this. He managed to keep two women in the dark and MEDS don't make you that good. That doesn't sound like a man who made a one-time mistake. He handled dishonesty like a PRO. You knew nothing about his double life and then married him anyway. You are trusting too. He must be charming to so entrance two women.

He chose to know this woman so well that she was wasn't worried about getting PG. He was so irresponsible that he didn't use protection. He could even have exposed you to a sexual disease. Instead, there is a pregnancy. It seems you, and his family, feel he should support and have nothing to do with his child. Good, there will be a DNA test to determine paternity but I think, it is a sure thing, this is his child. She doesn't sound like she got around much, because she trusted him, to believe she meant something to him. That was surely an emotional affair with depth. Of course, she wants nothing to do with him, as he treated her badly.

Now he wants to cut the child off, and send a check, like supporting a child in an orphanage overseas. The innocent child won't know his/her father. It doesn't sound to me that the child will miss a lot in him who has no integrity, honesty, nor does he understand love and loyalty. He didn't show that to either woman in his life, so now the child will get the same from him.

You can't take it about the child? That innocent child has gotten a rough start and too bad none of you care enough to make some time for the child or to help the mother with more than money. I find that pretty un-christian behavior in all of you. You think the child robs you of something if you have a baby? Your own child will have a brother/sister and has a right to that connection. It is terrible for a child to grow up and feel unwanted, like a piece of luggage left at the station. That is so wrong.

You could forgive him everthing, but you can't forgive an innocent baby born from his illicit affair? I would look to your future with this man! How will it be when you look at a child when you are out somewhere and realize you don't have enough love in you to extend to this child? You are all in agreement that he should continue to be irresponsible, just as he was when he bedded with another woman, while in a relationship with you. It take more than money to raise a child and form character. It takes safety and a child raised alone, with no father figure, never forms that and has problems for
life.

Your real issue is you don't trust your husband to visit the child around the mother. He does lie and cheat well, that is true. You extracted a promise from him that he would not be involved with his child. You had no right to do that. If you force that issue it will cause more problems in the marriage. The more you forbid, the more curious he may be about the child.

You worry about having a child with your husband. I will give you advice. Don't! See how this will play out for a couple years before you are PG and YOU are the abandoned one. You should make an effort to be a kind, generous, and gracious, caring woman and give the woman a baby gift in person or by mail. You should realize he played her false...just as he did to you. Make peace with her family.

You must realize his obligations run for the next 18 years. Are you suggesting when he/she graduates from high school that the father should not give emotional and financial support? This won't go away, so best you accept things. Keep your eye on him, as with/or without MEDS, I am sure he knew what he was doing.

So you accepted the affair and married him in spite of it. The sad part of all this is that no one wants to know the baby. Send some money and cross it off is what you both think is the right way to handle this. Of course, she wants nothing to do with him as he abandoned her when she was pregnant. She trusted him enough to have unprotected sex and he took off and married you.

She must have been very shocked and then had to go through her pregnancy alone must have been very lonely and sad. I guess she had a way to take care of her medical expenses?

Last edited by 1aokgal; 25th February 2012 at 11:05 PM.
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