1aokgal

Dear Edgy,
I have followed your posts from the beginning. It is hard to follow all, as the changing dynamics make you sometimes very hurt and angry. Are you older than your husband? Perhaps I see that, as you are more goal oriented, and he has been more coddled in his family so is not as mature about things. You were pleased with his admiration/compliments at the beginning of your relationship! You have a high need that others will think well of you. At the same time you do well in your career path, you lack confidence in social dealings. Especially where men are concerned, it seems you mask that intense insecurity with dominance and control. You indicated your mother-in-law said at the beginning, she hoped to separate you from her son. Not a good start!

I have to tell you that Latin mothers can be particularly smothering as your husband seems to fail to live up to your idea he should be stronger or more masculine. So in one way you want him to be a strong male, but are are the most aggressive in nature. There can't be two bulls in the ring! I think that his mother can either be your greatest foe or your greatest advantage, if you reflected more of what she wants for her son. Your desires are centered around YOUR need to excel by pursuing this MBA, when the timing seems wrong where the finances are very poor now. He can't help you when things are down for him and he supports money to his mother. If you were working again, even just a decent job, not the executive job, you could both be less dependent on his mother as he lives with her. He is not doing well, but provides for his mother. Many European men do this as it should be.

I had a similar situation years ago, as I put a paid tuition scholarship aside to accompany my husband back to Germany for his career move. Otherwise, I would be attending school here alone, while he worked there. It was a three year deferment of my own goals. I didn't apply for that tuition aid then, as it was gone. I could only work my way through the years. It took far longer and I even worked part time on campus for some tuition break. It was tough.

It sounds as if your clock is running on having a family? Any mother of a European man will see that wife who puts the children aside, as not having focus on the family. Most men are close to a mother and if YOU had a child, you would better understand this. Her focus is to have grandchildren and see her son has a woman who puts center around him. My focus has always been around my husband ! My German mother-in-law saw me as older than her son, divorced, and with a child. She also saw this about me that NOTHING was more important to me, than what my husband wants. I put my own ambition to the side for that focus. My MIL and I are very close because she realizes his needs comes first with me.

I see when you are insecure as a woman, and angry with him, you tell your husband there are men who pursue and will do whatever you want! Never, ever, tell a man that...even if when you go to the store they chase you down the street! It is no compliment to any woman that men are in hot pursuit, because it does NOT matter your appearance, age, or attractiveness, these men are in HEAT and will chase a goat! I don't feel better about myself, because some idiot comes on to me somewhere. Perhaps that is your way to hurt him? You say he "rejected you" to say NO to some things sexually.

Perhaps you are more adventuresome sexually. Maybe, he is rather unsophisticated or not as experienced sexually. He may lack imagination, or sees sex in a narrow way. I will tell you this..that sex is probably pretty good for you, if you compromise. You seem to need more adventure in the bedroom. Car sex may turn YOU on sexually, but that scenario can put you both in severe, life threatened danger. There are disgusting animals who prey on couples who make out in the car in lovers' lane places. They prey on these areas and rape the woman in front of the husband and brutalize both sexually. There are many killings of young couples who were murdered, because they chose a thrill of some car sex, instead of the safety in the home bedroom or a motel! It seems there has been a two year period when you had problems with relating to him sexually. that must bother you very much that you were blocked. Perhaps this element of voyeurism zaps it up for you, but that is risky and embarrassing. Years ago, my friend and her beau got busted in a choice of lovemaking spot. The police knocked on the car window, and pretty embarrassed to have her slacks down around her ankles, and a flashlight in her face! The cops said, "Get dressed, go home." We laughed about it, but they could have had something terrible happen to them. You are not the only couple who ever did this!

You look like a nice couple in the image you posted. He is handsome and kind looking. I will tell you, if you don't alter your focus to make HIM the center of your world, that marriage will be history. His mother should be close to you, as she is to her son. Love is about making him and his family YOUR center. You cannot find happiness in an MBA certificate hung on your wall. You might find happiness, if you have children with your husband, and work around your family to make what you can to live better, and make it about your home and not about YOU.

I completed my educational goals, but it took far longer to do it. You have to put the reality of your living situation before scholastic goals at times. I thought I would be the major breadwinner, as I was at times, while my husband had periodic job problems. It ended up, that he far excelled my expectations, and earns major money with great job responsibility. He makes a very good living and we are married 35 years. I would put him first every time! My mother-in-law dotes on me, because she knows I put her son first. Love is about putting the other person FIRST, before yourself.

I do not mean to hurt you, but I think until you put the focus on the most important thing..your love for him..you will not be happy. Never say things you will regret nor try to "make him sorry." I think you have made some serious mistakes in the marriage. No, it sure is not ALL your fault. It takes two to mess up! You see things as a person who needs approval so badly, you will destroy the
life you have together unless you change. See if you can get into counseling with him. Easter might bring a rebirth if you learn to see things not all about YOU...but about the two of you.