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Old 11th October 2011, 03:47 AM   #22
1aokgal
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Re: Wife wants "space" and is moving out

Dear Loving,

It may not seem so at this moment but there is a life after a terrible mishap in a marriage or relationship. You were both so obviously on different paths and hers is colored by an illness, so events are deeply precious. When you see time is but a door with a short path you move heaven and earth to make every minute sweet. There is no replacing a childs' smile or early moments not to be repeated in the heart of a woman. She saw you valued everything more than this dear wish she has to be close to this child in the early years.

Perhaps you see success as money in the bank or things you own, and while all that is needed for security, there is precious worth in the small moments that pass like a whisper. She feels you didn't know her heart or hear her desires.

I didn't get the plan to adopt quickly another child as that means the first child doesn't get the full course of attention from a parent. Most parents see kids spaced a few years apart as a smart plan. A ill woman would have enough to sap her strength with one infant, let alone a second child. It also would have been less than prudent to have more kids when one parent has such a serious health issues. The emphasis might need to be on her. Well, that is hindsight at this time.

That is where the road may have parted, because your goals in life were split. The best thing you can do now is be the best man who can assist the smooth transition to the next part of living for the child and your relationship there. I think separations generally mean that marriage is a dead issue. History says she won't look longingly behind her, but will forge ahead with gusto.

She sees time moving faster so she will live life accelerated by the desire for peace and security. If she didn't find it with you, she will search for it elsewhere. I speak as a person who lives with similar health issues. It changes the outlook.

Seriously, don't try to rewrite your couples history and discover the flaws which might run deeper than you know given her health. You must work on your own issues and not beat yourself up with what is too late now to alter. We can waste a lot of time in sad moments doing self destructive things as drinking, smoking, eating, crying or get hold of yourself and set about to improve the other parts of your life still needing work. All the work to change will come back to benefit you in future. It might be a good time to take a course, think about a better job, or improve other things you can now.

I think she made the decision longer than a few months ago because there had to be a basic dissatisfaction for a long time to move so quickly on her move. That has been an issue longer. Perhaps the idea of the child was to fix a bad marriage and it doesn't fix it..it adds more stress of a different kind.

I'm sorry that things worked out this way but I do think that when one door closes sometimes the better one will open. Perhaps that makes me the eternal optimist! I do think sound as if you have the strength to make good decisions and can adapt and make a good life ahead. Hope you keep in touch. I want you to know we care and can listen.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 11th October 2011 at 05:32 PM.
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