1aokgal

Dear Loving..

In no way were you "bashed " or should you feel less of a man by what was said here. Perhaps your sensitive feelings have something to do with the issues in the marriage? I can imagine you are pretty raw right now but I try to address what you said about these events. That is what would be discussed in counselling. Perhaps this subliminal feeling you have has a lot to do with your need to control in the marriage?

My husband knew before he married me he would never father a child if he married me. I had children and at 35 had a tubal ligation by choice. He is the eldest son of German parents.They are big on family, so that would be an issue here if it was not agreed in advance. Your wife knew the situation as my husband did. You interpret what I said and then you jumped right in to say you felt less manhood. That may be one of the issues for you. Perhaps that feeling explains some of the control or dominance in decisions which did not respect anothers rights as a partner.

If that is the subliminal feeling you have, this could mean you reacted to be less giving and pulled inward and showed less affection. We are also very much influenced about how we were raised. Some men think it is a weakness to show loving gestures. If your parents were not openly affectionate maybe that is the love style you learned. Did you feel it wasn't possible to give of yourself? I think you came to this site to hear truth? Neither I, nor anyone, wants to beat up on someone who came in faith to seek help and admits mistakes. Perhaps some of these suggestions might be helpful to you.

I thought a few times my husband might have some regret on not having his own kid. He laughs when I asked him and said this daughter he loves and raised is as much his as could be. It is not the seed that counts so much as the input of all the wealth put into the child that makes the parent. My daughter met her real dad years later (she hadn't seen him since age 4). He didn't keep in touch or pay support. She travelled to meet him and spent some vacation time with him as an adult. She asked me what I ever saw in that guy! That is because she loves the dad who has always been there for her. He has been a super dad to her. We are married 31 years, October.

I think it shows a great love to make that choice as he did, and your wife made as well. I would think a man would feel more of a man that a woman loves him that much. People who love each other can sure say and do a lot of stupid things. I sincerely hope you can keep calm and let her know how much you regret some things. This is right now all fire and thunder. When a woman sits to think alone she can see all the positive things and not just the problems. That's where that "space" comes into it.

Perhaps your marriage can be salvaged if you will go deep into some of these issues. Have you been able to sit down with her and talk at all? Perhaps you can call her and suggest you meet in a neutral place just for coffee. Why don't you ask her what you can do to change how she feels. Maybe she will tell you what can be done and you can get her to agree to go to counselling.