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Old 30th May 2014, 04:29 AM   #11
Posts: n/a
Re: Am i sinning and how do i stop?

Dear Lady...

It is difficult isn't it, to try to stay on emotional even keel when some stray thought will drag up the memory of love or the intimacy no longer there. This recall brings such sharp pain and longing for the yesterday of youth. I love my husband with a great passion that covets his face, smile and sound of him yet, we two live like wind up dolls programmed for mundane tasks without emotion.

I hear in your writing the difficulty you have to detach and find some acceptable way to live life on the terms he has set in your household. So long as you never speak of this loss or reach out to him, fearing his rejection, you have reached some compromise that gets you through the days. I could go along for months at a time without anger living this charade. The vulnerable time for me is rising in the morning, with sleep still holding me, and the face in the mirror has very sad eyes. I have not put on my practiced look that says everything here is fine.

My husband and I are good friends. We enjoy our activities and companionship. He enjoys to see me active and encourages artistic pursuits. To observers, we seem a devoted couple. He always has my hand and at a restaurant table, we are the couple with the animated discussion, and interested in each other. We don't argue, have scenes or displays of impatience. He open doors, pulls out the chair and he is a kind man. I treat him with respect and love him. We just don't sleep together for 22 years. He is sad about that, as he would like to share the bed, and sleep there. He has his own bedroom as I took back control of my space. I did not need to feel rejected or lie beside a man who has shown that he has no desire sexually with his wife. Would I lie there seething, while he slept? No. That separate space released my negative feelings. It was a relief to feel calm. As a child I was taught it was unacceptable to express anger. I lived in a household of fear. Repressed emotion can make a person physically ill. I am not an angry person. You must not be an angry person. That emotion can kill every cell in your body.

I do understand about your marriage. Buy a notebook and begin to journal your days. That writing is cheap psychotherapy! When you express your feelings and read later, clarity follows. It is amazing what you learn when you document events as they occur. If you hate, express it. No more emotions seething behind a fašade of indifference. That despair, longing, anger and fear of being alone makes you the walled up child left to cry, and no one hears. As you pray for him to notice your pain, he is oblivious. That can make one feel very angry to be ignored. Don't waste your time/energy to wonder WHY he is this way just accept it is reality.

The only change in this marriage could be you get so angry you eat, drink, or become bitter and shrewish, as you internalize rejection from a hopeless life. That would be a huge waste of a wonderful person. Turn this around and take control of your bedroom, your time and energy. Cut him lose to do what he wants and stop hoping for what he won't offer...himself. He is a shell, he can't be what you want him to be. Men like this often love a woman enough to win and woo her, and for awhile they function. It is especially true of driven, narcissistic, high performers who are solitary in their career pursuits. My husband works in an environment where he can be alone some hours as he does his work, yet oversee others.

Recapture your own space, so you are not always waiting for HIM to act, so YOU can react. Take up a passion that will captivate your heart and mind. Write, paint, learn a skill or hobby, take some classes as photography or some discipline that brings reward and challenge. Go reinvent yourself, so you like yourself again. If the exterior is not pleasing, CHANGE it. I say this because women are very hard on themselves. We lie or take the blame for the sexless marriage. Most women don't share this secret. It is hurtful and shameful to admit we are not desired by the person we love. I never told my husbands' mother he has a problem! So, we cover, don't we? How loyal is that? Very!

I do tell my husband that I love and respect him. I never tell him that sometimes I don't like him. Why should I? I deal with my emotions and get rid of the negative which can only bring harm to me and my cells. He loves me but shuts himself away from any real physical contact. Some men are asexual. I think the nature of the problem doesn't matter to me. I just accept he is broken. I went past making this my quest in life! It cost me too much energy. Put your heart into making things better for yourself. Indulge yourself with things you enjoy to do. Get a couple friends and go away for an art weekend.

I have my husbands' love as he is capable to give. As he is broken, I pity him. I am particularly kind to him. We have remained mostly happy together for many years. There is more to love than sex! One day as we age, sex fades. I am not there yet. as I remember my parents had robust sex into their 80's. They didn't like each other, but the sex held.

You must heal yourself. You won't leave the marriage, you make it better. The contract has been rewritten, so based on the experience you have, you nourish your family with all your heart. Hold nothing back from your husband, but spare yourself the hurt of rejection and live it on your best terms. It works, it just takes awhile to navigate the shoals of anger or unresolved issues. Be an alive and vital person. Make happiness your goal without depending on him to set the tone. Lighten up.

Now, if you find he lives a double life and you learn there are other problems, then that changes the game. Vow to be a happy person and you will find it works.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 6th August 2014 at 06:26 PM.
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