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Old 29th October 2009, 08:22 PM   #11
confused555
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 19
Re: What is the right thing to do for my wife right now?

AgeingGrace,
I would like to know HOW to apply what I have learned about my wife’s pleasing to communicate with her. Just last night she came home from my daughters dance practice and said I was mad at her for not getting home at a certain time. I had no expectations plans or anything. I figured she would be out much later than she was so I was of course not mad. I tried to reassure her of this, but it’s like she thinks she knows what I want. I admit the my old self would of expected her home earlier because I know what time dance practice ended. If she got home later than normal I would have asked where she was. I don’t know what is controlling and what is not right now. I am trying to learn the balance between assertive and controlling statements. I am hopeful making progress, but she told me last night she went looking for apartments. She says I make her feel guilty anytime she sees me.

Raymond,
Yes the whole story is very confusing. Yes the son of this lady is the man she was texting. I have asked once what went on with him and she said just a friendship and she should not have been confiding in another man and she would stop. She never said what went back and forth on the texts of what else they did together other than it was not sexual. Just the other night the older lady called and said she was going over to her sons (the texting man) house to take something there. My wife asked her if she had been drinking (she said she sounded drunk) and the lady said yes. My wife said I am going to go take her cause I don’t want her driving drunk. My emotions kicked into overdrive but I resisted the urge to say anything. She looked at me and said I can tell your upset what’s going on (she can read my facial expressions like a book). I said “Its Just” and then stopped. I said we can talk about it later. The older lady called her back and said her husband would take her so my wife did not go. Later my wife said I felt like you were being controlling earlier and I told her that I was struggling with that issue and I know I did not handle it properly. I explained that I did not think it was appropriate to go over to this mans house at night. She said she did not want her friend driving drunk, and she could not believe that I did not trust her. I said we both need to work on our trust (because she does not trust that I won’t continue to work or overcome my control issues). This really upset her. She went off about how this won’t work if I can’t trust her, and how 2 weeks of a friendship does not compare to the 18 years of pain I have caused her. She said it’s over. The next day she went to look for apartments. When she came home I asked her if she signed a lease or she was going to sign a lease she said she does not know. She seemed a little more open to talk, but says she is really bothered by my trust issues. I don’t get this because if the roles where reversed and I texted another woman 60 times over two days she would leave me in a heartbeat.

She did not like the counselor she saw on Monday. She is going to see the same counselor I am seeing tonight. This will be the second time she has seen her. The first time she thought she was good but did not want to use the same counselor as me. Now that she has tried 3 other counselors she is going back to the one I use for the second time.

I am trying to show her love and patience. I am being treated like a doormat and don’t like that. I know that if I were to ask for respect or anything it would be turned into a controlling issue and push her further away. I don’t know if it is right, but I feel like my only hope is to hang in there until she gets several sessions of counseling to help her overcome her passive tendencies, and handle the grief of her mom and dad.
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