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Old 26th February 2012, 05:55 PM   #8
Forever
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,408
Re: bipolar, an affair and baby!

Greetings KK,

I would think that you should regard this child much in the same way (at this point) as you would the child of any "EX" who needs to be considered. This child will, by default, become the half sibling of any children you have with your husband and should not be shut out wholesale regardless of how that came to be. While this may not seem fair or tolerable to you given that the OW was involved in an affair with your betrothed at the time, God is still nevertheless, concerned for how the fatherless are treated as well as He is for you...a very delicate balance now at hand.

Your biggest issue may well be forthcoming because your husband may go on to have other "bi-polar episodes" and get "involved" with women again (if that is his weakness), long after you have had a family of your own...especially if he decides to mess with his medication as is often the case. I have never seen where marriage to a person with bi-polar disorder has ever been especially stable for the long term...what is clear and makes perfect sense to them at one time, seems obsurd at another with the resulting "turn about" in behavior. Medications are often changed as new or recurrent "symptoms" become apparent.

He cheated when you were heading towards the altar....but instead of postponing the wedding, you set "terms" in order to move forward...terms which he is now wishing to alter without a revised solid agreement between the two of you given his change of heart. That is two solid "strikes" in my mind against the stability of your marriage...and, by the way, both of which you personally could have avoided if you had received (and heeded) solid Godly counsel from the beginning. But we do not always see clearly when we are in the middle of things do we?

Remember Sarah and Hagar? This is much the same sort of mess that happens when we step outside the Will of God with human reasoning and remedies.

If I were you, I would yield and allow for your husband to follow his natural inclinations to attempt on some level to be a father to this child as any decent father would, since you already knew of this reality before marriage. This may or may not produce a viable relationship with his child which may be needed in the distant future, but it is impossible to know at this point... at least you will not be the one accused of standing in the way and embittering him. We cannot blot out the needs of a child simply because they are an inconvience or a stigma in our relationships can we? And should one totally disregard the reality that tugs on the heart of this new father which he probably could not have foreseen when he made that agreement with you?...He is now torn...and he should be...and that baby knows nothing yet needs everything. Yes, he gave his word...but neither of you could have understood the power an innocent child has to make someone "rethink" other alternatives.

I would tend to "govern" his contact with the OW rather than with his child...because at some point he needs to be held accountable and responsible for any possible future heartache that this might cause you outside of his involvement with this child. If you can see it through, I would insist that any contact with the OW be done exclusively through open emails and the exchange for possible visitations be done exclusively by a third party to avoid additional suspicion or pain being inflicted on you. If he cannot agree to that and stick to it, I would seriously rethink being married to him at all, and move on so that your future is not so wrought with pain and morality issues that have no acceptable resolutions...God is not expecting you to live your life as a perpetual victum...is He?

The fact that there is resistance from the OW and her family to his involvement now, does not mean that given enough time there will not be an acceptance of it later...especially if he wins that position through the Court or through the power of persuasion. The OW will likely not take kindly to your husbands attempts to be in the childs life however, but that decision will fall on her own head if that is what happens long term.

I would not be rushing headlong to have any children with him for a few years in order to see how this evolves, as well as to see if he has any inclinations to use his bi-polar issue as an excuse for a continued slippage in moral character...This will surely make you feel robbed of your priviledges (to have children of your own) as a valid wife which will be yet another strike against the marriage. I would see if you can tolerate the situation in the reality of what your husband wishes to do regarding that tiny child, and if with God's help, you are able to make any adjustments.

We all want immediate resolution for problems...but you will not be having it under these particular circumstances I am sorry to say...your life will be lived on a perpetual "wait and see" mode.



Kindest Regards

Last edited by Forever; 27th February 2012 at 04:33 AM.
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