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Old 8th April 2012, 07:58 AM   #57
1aokgal
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Re: Make love to your wife or masturbate ??? my husband prefers the later choice

Dear Golden Lady54...

You have my great sympathy for loss of intimacy in your marriage. It is his problem, but it submerges most of the joy that could be there for you if you worked to change the situation together. Unfortunately, that behavior you describe is likely already set, and addictive for a man. That means there is no acknowledgement, on his part, that there are other ways to bring sex into the marriage. Intimacy might be somewhat better by various treatments. There are pills, penal implants, and other apparatus, and sex can still be fulfilling for you if he would choose to explore the options. There is also sex if he put other parts of his body to the task.

Masturbation is a selfish, infantile way to handle his own release, with no though to how he robs his partner, psychologically, emotionally and physically. It also becomes addictive for the man and it is always available. The more he uses this sexual method, the less sensitivity to your touch, and to any coitus in the marriage. MB robs the man of his performance with his wife and sets him up to complete reliance on self stimulation. He also probably uses porn to bring th eadded dimension to fantasy of other womens' bodies. Not easy for a wife to compete with 20 year old scantily clad porn models in the hard core mags.

I know well what you deal with as it began that way in my marriage 20 years ago. So I live in a 20 yr time sexless marriage devoid of intimacy. We are married now 32 years. Since the celebacy is not of my choice, there is anger, resentment and one becomes...shall we say it..a bitter person, unless you have a lot of coping mechanisms. One can have an affair or other other non-gratifying modes. It is quite terrible to lose intimacy with a man who verbalizes his love, but leaves a wife to rot in the sun, so to speak. Personally, I know the rage, sadness and emptiness that comes after you are robbed of a normal marriage.

When a man meets his own needs, he will always fall back on that method. It is easy and always available. Why should he exert effort to exert himself for another, when he is all self reliant! I practised salavation for myself when I made him comfortable in another bedroom a few years into this situation. My husband did not have ED, he simply chose his own way. I read numerous books on the problem and according to experts, even with long term psychiatry, men with this problem generally do not change. Most don't acknowledge there is a problem. The fact is ..they have no problem. It is a narcissistic tendency and most of these men have lived their life pretty much the same.

One thing you should never do is to accept the blame that one may feel you have done something wrong as a woman or a wife. It really has nothing to do with you! So don't internalize that you are not attractive enough, sexy enough, slim enough..because none of that seems to matter.

A woman will take out some self-punishment because one does feel the rejection and the loss. What a woman in such a marriage has to do is decide whether one stays married and if so, how you deal with what is usally unchangeable. The drinking, eating, smoking and other behaviors is not the way to deal with the problem.

You must find your own way to do things that are rewarding, bring peace, and some measure of happiness. I paint, sew, stay close to family and keep busy. I made sure I made him comfortable in another bedroom years ago. That is my space, and I will choose not to share space with someone who has rejected me as a woman.

I don't feel judgmental to a woman who chooses to have an affair under such conditions, but most feel the loss of emotional outlet more than loss of the sex. If there is a sin, it is for a man to steal the intimacy from the marriage. When a woman loves that man, it is an even greater hardship. You will have very lonely years unless you take control of how you live with this problem. I doubt your husband will change because this works for him.

It is very hard to see some of your best and most attractive years become empty and devoid of passion. So you must find passion in ways that you find fulfilling. If you find you can't live with this man than it may be time to say the marriage is broken beyond repair. If he is unwilling to get counselling and work to change things, before the pattern is too ingrained to alter. I offer little encouragement because generally such a marriage is like two people living separate lives.
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