[defeated]

Hi

Ok, so, i might be coming across as possessive and as though I am trying to keep my husband on a tight leash, but really this is not the case.

The problem is more the general anger and hostility and feeling as though i never know what i'm going to say that will blow his fuse. We don't have any physical contact and haven't since around Christmas time.

When my husband was made redundant a few months ago and given a fat payout and had time off, i encouraged him to do something that he would love to do and suggested he go off on a 'trip of a lifetime'... he came up with fishing in Mexico for 10 days. I hadn't expected something quite so extreme, as i know i wouldn't out of choice be away for him and the children for that amount of time... but i was still behind him going and encouraging him that it would be good.
As we hadn't been getting on for a long time and I had been hoping that it had been a lot to do with his work, i thought that some time off to breathe, relax, have a change of scene and let go of every day life, might recharge his batteries and he would come back refreshed and happy and we would then get on.

Unfortunately, as i mentioned, we were burgled two nights before he left, while we were all asleep upstairs.

I didn't want him to cancel his trip, but i was completely rattled and had hoped that he might at least have a flicker of thinking that it might be more important to know his family were safe, rather than just waving and skipping off to go on his trip.

Like you suggested, I had hoped that he might go off and reflect on stuff and value the fact I'm so supportive of him suggesting the trip, and also the fact I've supported him so much - moving to America, dealing with things like the woman that had caused us so many problems.

Anyway, he went off to Mexico and rather than checking in to see how i was and how we were all doing, he was posting things like 'had the best day of my life and finally caught a Marlin' on FB. When i spoke to him, usually in tears as i was a complete wreck as the burglars had returned a couple of days later, and had the police at our house non stop and at the same time was pretending everything was fine to the children and not sleeping, he didn't want to know, but told me about how he'd been so happy and actually cried about catching his dream fish.
(I'm sure i sound very bitter, but I am resentful... not because he had a wonderful time, but if there had seemed like a glimmer of care about what i was going through I wouldn't have minded).
There have been a number of instances that I've felt really hurt and let down and he just can't see it...

The instance with the woman from work was 5 years ago when when were liiving in America. He was so desperate to defend her when i was saying i was uncomfortable about the fact she was bringing in photos of herself when she was a swimwear model and talking to him about her marital problems and crying on him at work (he was her boss). Things became extremely difficult when on Father's Day, she invited us all over for the day to her house. I was in a foreign country with a little baby and pregnant, and said no, i didn't want to go to her house and watch him go off fishing with her on his lake... he said it was 'his' day and father's day should be about doing what 'he' wanted and he wanted to go fishing with her. I was extremely upset and said that father's day was about being a father and spending it with your family and being spoilt by them..... he went off for the day fishing with her alone. I did let it go, but my resentment about it has resurfaced as I remeber it being another example of feeling unloved and unimportant, as I generally feel now.

Another instance is when I was having my twins. I had organised for a few of the male friends we knew to go out for a boys night to 'wet the baby's head' for him. (Looking back, i can't imagine what i was thinking - as if i didn't have enough on my plate, having two tiny children and about to give birth to twins), but i just always want him to be happy.
Anyway... the twins happened to arrive on the day that i'd organised the drinks for him. I asked him if he'd contact the guys to rearrange the drinks, but he refused, saying i'd organised it and so he had to stick to it... and so when he brought me back from the hospital with our new twins he promptly went out drinking - the same night i returned home with new twins. I still can't believe it looking back. Again, something I just tried to let go of, but it's resurfaced as I'm feeling as though generally I should be getting better treatment than I have and am.

Anyway, to come back to more recent times. When he returned from his Mexico trip in October just gone, things were still terrible and he seemed just so angry towards me and still sleeping all the time and uncommunicative and wanting to play his playstation the whole time.
I kept on suggesting we go for coffees together and do some nice things, or that he come for a swim with me at my gym and he refused every time.
In the five months he was off we went for one coffee together.

I think went away for a week with my sister, hoping again, that absence might make the heart grow fonder and though i would lose my mind if i didn't have some time out. I thought he also might see what a lonely existance I have being in a place with no old friends or family close by and looking after four demanding lttle ones, aged, 3 (twins), 6 and 7. When I skyped home when i was away he was still hostile and when i returned, arriving at about 8pm he'd locked the front door and took ages to open it, saying he was asleep... not the big reunion and welcome home I'd hoped for (he said it was because of being worried about burglars, but i'd called him from the airport to say what time i'd be there).

Another recent instance was for my brother's 40th in January of this year... my sister asked if we wanted to stay at hers, which was close by, but i refused and booked us a lovely hotel close to the venue, thinking again, we were having a rubbish time, but a nice hotel with no children would be a nice little romantic break for us. We had an argument over my sister and the fact she and her husband are having a tricky time and so were having a trial seperation and so she was bringing a friend (male) as her plus one. He went mad, saying how wrong it was and i was saying, it's not our business, and to just relax about it and if my brother doesn't mind and it's just a friend, then there's no problem and it's out of our control... anyway, he was really frosty and cross about it and ended up arguing about it. I decided i didn't want to let it ruin our night and so we went for a wander arond the town (where he was saying how the town wasn't very nice) and then we came back to the hotel room (about 2.30pm). He then promptly fell asleep until it was time to get ready. Ofcourse i was so disappointed as I'd hoped we'd have time together and possibly have some affection.
When we went to the party, he was sitting further away from me, and i was having fun catching up with my family... and half way through the night we went outside and he berated me for 'humiliating' him. I was so shocked. I knew it was tense between us, and know that i made a quip at his expense about us being 'loves young dream' as i'd been lying next to him snoring all afternoon, but apart from that had said absolutely nothing. My brother and sisters and brother and sister in law all apparently said they were so sad for me as they didn't think i'd done anything wrong at all and i hadn't humiliated him in any way. Needless to say he had no interest in sex and in fact just carried on about me humiliating him when we got back to the hotel room and how he didn't want to sleep with me and we drove back home in the morning in silence.

We have the odd times when we laugh together and get on brilliantly and he seems really lovely. He was absolutely lovely on Christmas day and I thought that maybe it was the beginning of something brilliant, but the next day there was this tension again, which I don't understand.
It really feels as though he doesn't want to be with me, as if i'm an irritant, but i also think he loves me deep down. I keep on trying to explain to him that i just want to be his friend and i'm on his side but i need to feel like he wants to be my friend too and just need some kindness from him.

It's so horrible and bizarre.. and such a headf*ck of a situation, which is why i got to the point of writing on here and hoping for some sort of insight from others.
The main arguments seemed to stem originally for me saying i didn't feel that he loved me and it would just make him really angry, to the point of it getting out of control and him removing himself to sleep in the spare room for weeks. We'd then somehow seemed to go through a nice phase, but it would happen again, when i said i just didn't feel like he even liked me, letalone loved me.
I don't understand what's going on or what he wants.

He never really tells me what he wants, apart from when i bring it up and ask if he's depressed or grieving and could that be the reason he seems so stressed and angry so much of the time.

Anyway, this is so long and probably doesn't make sense, as i've been writing it whilst screaming at the children to eat their supper (oh my glamourous life).

He's now gone off to South Africa for a week and must say, just him being out of the house feels so much better than the tension of him working from home today and us creeping around trying to avoid one another.

Thanks for taking the time to read it. I am really open to people's opinions. If you think i'm over-reacting and actually being too sensitive then I'll take it on the chin.

I know i'm not perfect, i know i'm sensitive and I have no doubt that we react to one another and I have things to work on, but it feels unfair to me and as though this general anger and distance and stress and hostility that I face is not of my doing. But who knows. A man may have a different opinion and understand why he may think i'm whiney when I try to give examples of why I feel unloved.

I, as everyone does, thinks that they are in the right, but i do honestly like to think i'm open to advice and critisism and accepting of others opinions.

I don't want to paint him as a bad, evil man, as he's far from it. I would never have married him if he didn't have more qualites of who i wanted to spend the rest of my life with, than any other person i'd ever met. He is incredible, hilarious and strong and principled and handsome and apart from lacking in empathy and missing an emotional chink everything i could have wanted.

Unfortunately I suspect that his demons from his past have taken over the good and consumed him and I can't help him if he won't help himself.

Any advice or opinions are extremely gratefuly received.