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Old 29th July 2005, 11:32 AM   #5
Helen
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Re: Wife not interested in sex

Do you and your wife have an intimate relationship outside the bedroom? Do you communicate with her openly (in bed and outside), nurture her, make her feel wanted and desired? Do you support her at home, grouch about her job, leave the housework and child rearing to her after a hard day at work? My husband didn't do any of these things (oh, that's not true - he did bitch about my job!). We are now at the end of a 20 year relationship. I didn't have sex with him for the last 2 years because he withdrew from me emotionally (we are now separated). For much of the last 5 years, my husband has shown me no affection at all. That said, he wanted me to go to bed with him when he wanted and didn't see why I had an issue with that (I too am touching 40 but he always told me that I was beautiful). But this wasn't enough. I needed that emotional connection with him - without it I felt like a fraud in the marriage and a whore in the bedroom. Rather than make the effort to build a strong, emotional connection with me, my husband withdrew from me. After 2 years of absolute BS, we separated, he slept with my brother's wife, (not in that order) and I am now in a world of misery over a man who treated me like a whore and destroyed my family.

Sometimes women have problems with sex because there are intimacy issues. For women in a monogamous relationship, sex is going to be increasingly emotional experience. That is not to say there will be no physical lust involved. But she will desire you more if she has a close emotional connection with you. If you don't have a close connection with your wife, build one. Take her out. Buy her flowers for no reason. Call her at work to tell her you love her. Make her a nice meal. More importantly, talk to her about any issues you have with the marriage in an open, non-judgemental way. Be receptive to what she says (you probably won't like it but try). Don't pressure her for sex. The more pressure you put on her, the more she will pull away. Tell her the sex is important but not more important than she is. Not saying this should be one sided. If your wife cannot get the openness and intimacy and space she needs from you she will find it difficult to resume an intimate relationship with you. Do not confuse this for a lack of love. It is possible to love someone but not have sex with them (as I know to my cost).

On the other hand she might feel lousy and not want sex. Periods and PMT, a job, running the household and raising kids are difficult to deal with. Not only would she be struggling with guilt for not being at home with the kids, she will feel guilty about not being a superwoman. If this is the case, believe me, she feels bad about denying you sex. Again, don't pressure her for sex. The 'cure' is to nurture her and tell her that she is doing a great job with your home, your kids, etc. Build a relationship that could survive without sex.

Of course, the other thing to consider is whether you think she is getting sex elsewhere and doesn't need it with you? Not saying that she is (and I know you have said you are almost 100% certain she isn't). Only you and she know for sure but it might be a possibility.

Last edited by Helen; 29th July 2005 at 12:08 PM.
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